Surprise diagnosis/itchy painful mess

[Harley2468]

Hi everyone -

I'm new here....and super new to herpes.

I went to urgent care with intense rectal pain and some bleeding and came out with a herpes diagnosis. That's the extremely short version of the story. Needless to say, I went to my regular doctor at the earliest possible moment and she is doing more tests to determine what kind I have. I'm still in shock and trying to figure out what this means for my future. In the meantime, she gave me antiviral meds, pain meds, and meds for hemorrhoids too. I've finished the antiviral meds, but now am left with a yeast infection, still have the hemorrhoids, and am so itchy....not to mention the nerve pain in my back, butt, and legs. I don't know that I can handle much more of this...or heaven forbid another outbreak at any point.

I'm not sure I have just one question....more like a million.

What have people found helpful for the nerve pain? itchiness? And how on earth do I get myself from despondent to a more positive attitude? I guess also....how do you conduct your sex/physical life with a partner who doesn't have herpes? I'm afraid to touch, kiss, anything.....I read that I can transmit herpes even when I'm not having an outbreak.

....sorry for so many questions. I am a total itchy mess!!!

 

[HikingGirl]

Hi, @Harley2468 and welcome! To start, I highly recommend this handbook for some solid, basic information on HSV: https://www.westoverheights.com/herpes/the-updated-herpes-handbook/ (the author has a full book available on Amazon).

 

You’re most likely to spread HSV to other parts of your body if you’re touching open lesions and then touching elsewhere without washing your hands, especially in the first few months after acquiring the virus. HSV is killed on contact with soap, so just be sure to wash your hands after touching any sores, etc.

 

Do you know which type you have? If not, call the doctor’s office and ask about which test you had and what the exact results were. That’s really helpful information to have going forward.

 

No need to stop kissing unless you have a cold sore on your mouth. The majority of adults have oral HSV1, even if they never have a cold sore! Life is WAY too short to give up kissing. :) Transmitting without an outbreak is called asymptomatic shedding, described in the handbook I linked to above. It’s totally fine to hug and touch your loved ones as long as you’re washing your hands after touching any outbreaks.

 

Condoms and antivirals reduce the chances of transmission to someone who doesn’t already have HSV. Most people have at least one strain, but most people also have no idea because most people don’t have recognizable symptoms. The handbook also goes into more detail on that.

 

Finally, getting to a more positive attitude takes some time. I personally found it very helpful to get educated about HSV, speak to a therapist a few times, told a trusted friend, try to be good to myself (eating well, exercise, getting enough sleep, etc.) and reading a lot on these forums! It really helps to hear the experiences of others and know I’m not alone. I also experienced the typical stages of grief, but eventually it just really settled in my brain and my soul that I am just fine. I am more than a virus, and HSV isn’t not going to stop me from having a fabulous life—only my own beliefs will do that! {{{{hugs}}}}

[Harley2468]

Hi Hiking Girl - thank you so much! I read the Herpes handbook and found it super helpful. I have another appt with my doctor to pinpoint what type I have as my last test was not clear.

Now that my first OB has cleared, I feel like my head is in a better space....until I think about being sexual again. My BF has not been tested yet. He says he is going this week or next. But whenever I think about being intimate with him (which I am not going to until he gets tested!) I am scared of giving him - or any future lovers - the virus. The handbook says (and I read this in a few other posts here as well) that I can pass the virus on to someone else even when a condom is being used and I don't have an OB!! How on earth can I possibly, comfortably, have sex again with someone when all I think about it exposing them or infecting them!?

[HikingGirl]

When I start dating again (right now my focus is on end of life care for my very old dog and selling my house once he’s gone), here’s what I will remind myself of: I eventually came to realize that even with herpes, I am worthy of love and connection. The physical impact is negligible and manageable. There are many things in life that are outside of my control (like giving or getting herpes). For the right person/people, I will be worth the risk. For those who reject me, I’ve really lost nothing, because thanks to divorce and herpes, I’ll never put my happiness in the hands of anyone else ever again. Herpes has changed my perspective on so many things—all of them for the better. {{{hugs}}}

[Harley2468]

@hikinggirl. love that comment- I’ll never put my happiness in the hands of someone else again. I hope to be in that space one day too. I’m trying. Esp since my boy friend has told me that if he is negative for hsv, he is not sure he will be able to sleep with me again. It hurts but I also understand his reasoning. One day at a time.

[HikingGirl]

I hear ya. It still hurts....I can’t deny that! The guy I was seeing when I was first diagnosed (turns out by then I’d had it a couple of decades but was unaware) was really supportive at first, but once he tested negative, he just kind of faded away and we never had sex again.

 

So as much as my mind knows and understands that some people view risk differently than I do (hell, even I view risk differently now that I’m aware I have HSV!), that some people think they have a lot more control over the circumstances of their life than they really do, and that I can’t be everyone’s cup of tea so it makes sense that not everyone will be willing to take the risk of acquiring HSV from me, rejection doesn’t hurt any less. It’s just my hope I’ll bounce back a little quicker when it does happen.

 

I’m counting on someone in this forum to remind me of all of this when I start dating again and get rejected. :)

[Harley2468]

Your comments have meant so much to me- thank you. I hope I can be there for you when you need it!