He left me after herpes rumors

[laurap]

Hey guys well I'm going to give you guys a short explanation which I know it was my mistake. My ex boy friend called me almost a year ago to tell me that he had herpes and that I have herpes as well. I didn't pay attention to him because he had a girlfriend at that time and till today I still haven't had a herpes outbreak.

 

However, I did get checked out not too long ago; I came out positive. I didn't tell my current boyfriend about it, and my ex spread the word to all my friends and him. He left me ... I feel ashamed of myself and alone. I feel like I'm never going to be able to date anymore. I need friends. I need help. I feel like there is no meaning in my life anymore. I feel alone. I know it was my mistake for not telling him. I was just so scared because I love him and I am scared of rejection. Everybody is talking about me and I don't know what to do anymore and how to stop this.

[mr_hopp]

I hear you, Laura! I totally hear you! Thank you for reaching out!

 

The fear of disclosure can be a huge monster telling us horrible things about ourselves! (Damn that monster!) For many of us, it's hard to tell someone you're with those words "I have herpes." And it also becomes our responsibility to do that. Yes, we risk rejection, but it's not that they are rejecting us; they're rejecting herpes (easier said than felt, I know). And it's where we flex our muscles of integrity ... for me, I wasn't told ahead of time that the girl I got herpes from had herpes; I didn't have the option. So now disclosing that I have herpes is so important to me because of that, to turn the tides. At first it's hard to separate these two things ... some part of us wants to say that we ARE our herpes. It's not true. It's just something now that we have a responsibility towards.

 

But I have had beautiful experiences with disclosing that I have herpes. Disclosures that ended with being totally and completely loved and accepted and APPRECIATED for caring enough to do such a difficult thing. And I have also not told people I should have told. I felt horrible about it. My integrity beat me up for not telling. I've seen and experienced both sides.

 

And now you're on the other side of not disclosing … It sucks that people who don't have herpes don't understand how hard it might be for us to disclose, so they shame us and try to make us feel small. If they understood more fully, maybe they would be more compassionate toward you. I feel total compassion toward you. I don't know you, but it seems to me that you didn't tell because of fear, NOT because you are a bad person who doesn't care. We are here for you to support you, Laura. Is it possible to reach out to your ex? What are the options that are available to you?

[laurap]

I can reach out to him i just choose not to he made me feel worthless and he is disrespectful as well as he is talking about me to everybody i just want new friends that will accept me with my diagnose and not judge me

[mr_hopp]

Perfect. I appreciate you taking care of yourself like that. New friends who will accept you for you is super important. And you deserve that. You know, how people react to you having herpes says a whole lot more about them than it does about you. Just like how herpes can be a good filter for the kind of person you end up with intimately, the same can be said for friends; a friend who can see you as the true person you are without negative judgments about you because of some silly little virus has some good friend qualities. I'm excited for you to start finding these people in your life, Laura! And reaching out on this website is a great step toward that.

[laurap]

I want some advice from you on how i can meet people like me and start friends by were im located you know

[mr_hopp]

There are a few things to consider here: Do you want to find friends only with herpes or simply find new friends who are more open-minded and nonjudgmental? ;)

 

Because you don't necessarily need to only segregate yourself only to the herpes community from here on out to find decent human beings who will treat you right. And if that's the case, then it's simply a question of putting yourself out there, doing the activities out there in the world that excite and intrigue you ... friendships naturally blossom out of such shared experiences ...

 

But if you're looking for specific support with herpes, a great place to start is a local support group (ASHA has a good herpes support group page).

 

If you can't find a local herpes support group close enough to you and/or you're not ready to meet in person about this, I facilitate a monthly support group over the phone that you're totally welcome to attend. A lot of great, supportive people show up on those calls. Here's the website (with a 50% discount applied) to sign up for that: http://thehopp.eventbrite.com/?discount=HFORUM

 

... AND if you're interested in me hooking you up with an (h) buddy to simply talk to about what you're going through and connect with them about what they are going through so you can support each other, I can do that, too!

 

A lot of options out there for you to feel better about yourself and surround yourself with the kind of people you deserve to be surrounded by ...

[laurap]

It would be so help full of you if you would find a friend for me to talk to where i live is very hard to find accepting people. And i just want to start a new life

[mr_hopp]

I understand what you're going through, but I'm not going to do all the work for you. If you would like me to link you up with an (h) buddy that you can talk to over the phone, I'd be more than happy to do that. Go find a local support group ... Sometimes you just need to get up and DO. Go find what you love to do in your life and DO IT. Go LIVE. There are some things that others can't help you to do, laurap. This is one of those things. I have faith in you that you can. And that you don't need as much help as you might think. Big hug. Now go.

[dabrat81]

Laurap, if you'd like ... i would like to chat maybe about it, having it, learning to cope

[lelani]

Hi Laurap...H_opp is right...get out there and do new things and you will meet new people. Get involved in things so people get to know you, join a club, volunteer for an organisation - people will value your contribution and H means nothing to them!

 

I really feel for you too, the fear of disclosing is huge and unless you have it you CANNOT make a judgement - for me I have always disclose and i understand the fear and anxiety of tellling someone.

 

Good thing you aren't with your old boyfriend who you got herpes from. Seems that he would have hurt you in other ways if you were still with him. And if your ex is angry, you cannot do anything about it. He has a right to feel how he does and I can also understand how he feels too. It is a hard lesson for you and I can promise you telling someone yourself is not half as bad!

 

And you aren't a bad person so let go of beating yourself up..forgive yourself, your giver and your subsequent boyfriend. Everyone is doing the best that they can in any situation, if you don't the knowledge or experience it is easy to make mistakes...it's just how we learn. They will be learning lessons too.

 

The best thing you can do if anyone says anything is that you forgive your giver and totally understand how your ex feels. If you knew what you know now you would have done things differently...

 

So get out there laurap and start that new life...I did and it is sooooo much fun! Herpes is just a small part of it.

[laurap]

Thank you so much for all the support! Your words gave me an extra push to move on and make a new life and see it a positive way. i still have the same feeling but i know time will make me stronger.