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How to disclose after having had sex and the issue of trust


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Hi,

I am hoping that anyone can offer any opinions or thoughts about the predicament I find myself in.

I was diagnosed with HSV2 exactly a year ago, and it's been incredibly difficult for me. I'm a gay guy in my 20's, and it hasn't been easy for me to embark on a healthy relationship due to some of my own internalized homophobia. I've also dealt with some depression and anxiety for several years, which led me to some unhealthy sexual behaviors. Long story short, I got HSV2, and since then it worsened my self esteem (which was pretty low to begin with) and my sense of worth as a person, and I was celibate for the first 6 months of diagnosis, and also got on daily valtrex to make myself feel better, because for some psychological reason, it made me feel less "dirty" even when I wasn't having any sex.

 

Recently, I met this guy who I find attractive and have a really great connection with (which is incredibly rare for me), and we've gone on 4 dates so far. Problem is, we ended up having unprotected sex (once anal, twice oral) before I got a chance to tell him, and now it's eating me away with guilt. I do not know how I can get out of this situation now, and I do not want to lose him. We've already talked about how much we like each other, and now I really feel like I dug myself into a hole that I can't get out without looking incredibly selfish and not-trustworthy, and I hate that. I've also never been in a long-term relationship, and it makes me nauseous to think that my inability to disclose this to him will irreparably damage his perception of me as a person. I also feel sick that because of my own weakness, I have now exposed someone I really like to the virus, and it makes me self loath even more. Worst of all, I haven't told anyone about my diagnosis so far, and I do not know who to turn to for help and advice. Please help!

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  • 2 weeks later...

I was recently in a situation very similar to yours. It's so important not to blame yourself, the guilt and shame you can carry is toxic. My own unhealthy actions also led to my contraction, but I took it Asa's sign I needed to do some serious healing, emotionally now physically aswell. Try not to to let the virus take over your life, take over its life within your body. When this situation happened to me I had also never had a relationship before. The man I told was upset, but supringingly understanding. The bottom line is you never know how people will react, it could go badly or it could go great. But you have made the choices and cannot ignore the facts. If he leaves he leaves, and you will heal learn and grow from that too. This disease changes your perspective, and once you adapt you will see how it helps to really love and understand yourself. Radical love , radical gratitude will get you through.

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  • 4 months later...

I went through this very recently like 3 days ago. I’m a girl who slept with a guy, unprotected sex. There were no questions asked from either us; very stupid on both our parts. Everything happened so quickly leading to sex. However, after the afterglow the next day, I dropped the truth bomb. I couldn’t let that sit on my conscience because I know myself and get really bad anxiety. Our communication had all been over text so that is how I disclosed. I haven’t heard anything from him besides asking about transmission rates. I was worried about not hearing from him but now I’m at peace about it. I have made all efforts to let him know I him for if he needs to talk or more questions. I know this thread is old, but I want to get across, it’s scary to disclose after the fact but if you accidentally put someone at risk they deserve to know especially what to look out for and oddly you feel good too because now you know you did the right thing.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I am in a similar situation now. We live in different cities and I'm wondering - should I disclose via text, which seems a bit cowardish, or in person, when it might be difficult for him to get some personal space if he will need it after the talk? The problem is, that I panicked and told him I have herpes - but not the genital one. So it feels like double lying now... But I need to tell him the truth, I am only digging myself a hole of shame and hatred with all of this lying.

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  • 9 months later...
On 6/18/2018 at 7:01 AM, grlunicorn said:

I went through this very recently like 3 days ago. I’m a girl who slept with a guy, unprotected sex. There were no questions asked from either us; very stupid on both our parts. Everything happened so quickly leading to sex. However, after the afterglow the next day, I dropped the truth bomb. I couldn’t let that sit on my conscience because I know myself and get really bad anxiety. Our communication had all been over text so that is how I disclosed. I haven’t heard anything from him besides asking about transmission rates. I was worried about not hearing from him but now I’m at peace about it. I have made all efforts to let him know I him for if he needs to talk or more questions. I know this thread is old, but I want to get across, it’s scary to disclose after the fact but if you accidentally put someone at risk they deserve to know especially what to look out for and oddly you feel good too because now you know you did the right thing.

Thanks for this. What did you say in the text? I’m going through the same exact thing. 

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