Devastated

[SoManyQuestions18]

Two nights ago, I found a bottle of pills in my boyfriend’s car and googled to see what they were. I was completely shocked that they were herpes meds. We’ve been together 4 1/2 years and knew each other many before that. He admitted that he had been diagnosed in 2005 and was afraid to tell me. He had every opportunity...before we had unprotected sex, when we had the STD and sex health/history conversations.... every day before and every day since he had opportunities to come clean. He had promised me so many times that I had nothing to be concerned about. He now told me he “didn’t know how to tell me” and then every time he wanted to, he felt like the damage had already been done and feared losing me. He claims that he was going to tell me before we got married so that we didn’t start off our new life together with lies. I’m waiting my results but my doctor agrees that it is highly unlikely that I do not have it. I’m completely devastated. I feel like I’m responsible for this happening to me. And I now hate the person I loved deeply and planned to spend all of my life with. It feels even worse when the only reason I know is because I was looking for a Kleenex. Something about lies is the slightest bit easier when they come clean. I guess it seems like they care and are sorry for the mistakes. Finding out the way I did was so hard.It isn’t bad enough to learn that you have something that you will have every day for the rest of your life but to also learn that you had been lied to every day of your relationship. I don’t know what to do. I have to deal with this news, find a place to live.... so many things. I don’t understand how a person can not disclose that information and take away my options. I straight up asked and discussed numerous times before we ever stopped using condoms...I feel so horrible that he lied to me. If you love someone so much that you fear losing them, shouldn’t you also love them enough to protect them? Part of me feels like I have no choice but to stay with him. I don’t want to learn to date and live like this. I’m damaged. I’ve never felt so low and lonely in my life and it’s a very scary place.

[HeyTotoro]

How long have you guys been sexually active without condoms? I only ask because if you haven't already had an outbreak by now and you have been together for this long, then that's a good sign...

 

I'm so sorry this happened to you. You are not alone in feeling lonely and scared. I think the most important thing for you to do is first, wait for the results and try to find a way to keep mentally calm (very hard to for most and easy for some) until then. There are several people here who are well experienced and can be super helpful!

 

 

[SoManyQuestions18]

HeyTotoro,

Since roughly 9-10 months into the relationship. I worry that I could have had an outbreak and not known. I hate to sound so ignorant... I have super sensitive skin and am prone to terrible razor burn. From reading, it sounds like maybe I could have mistaken it for razor burn but... I also feel like I would have known if it was different. I think I’m very aware of things like that but I just don’t know anymore. I guess I should have been more familiar with signs but this far into a serious relationship, I never thought I had anything to worry about. He told me he has outbreaks one or two times a year. He doesn’t take meds daily, only during an outbreak. Obviously he went about hiding those from me well. He also didn’t know anything about shedding until I brought it up. I’m pissed that he has lived with it for this long and seems to be less educated than I’ve become in 48 hours.

[Lifegoesonn]

That’s the thing with men they do not care smh, they will flat out lie about the because they don’t care about it does he know which one he has ? I doubt u have it u will find out once your results come back and just to let u know , he was NEVER gonna tell you , god forbid u got it and told him he probaly would have turned it on you if he’s that much of an ass or say he didn’t know or maybe just come out how old are you and him ?

[SoManyQuestions18]

Lifegoeson, Of course I didn’t believe the b.s. about telling me. Makes no sense to tell something then if you couldn’t even do it before things were so serious and emotions were involved. If he knew I would be upset and leave him, I just don’t know why he let it go on. Let me become involved in the lives of his children and let me move in recently. To add to it, I asked if his ex-wife knew. He said she found out 6 months into their dating when she had an outbreak and tearfully confessed to him. That’s when he told her that he gave it to her which actually surprises me. Can’t believe she continued dating him and married him but maybe she felt like I do...like she was broken and no one else would want her. I said the same thing to him... that he would have let me take the fall for it. I’m 31, he’s 38. I guess I can’t really be mad but she and I actually get along very well. Woman to woman, I wish she would have told me since he didn’t tell her either. I know it would be uncomfortable but I hope that I could stop it from happening to the next one. You truly never know anyone the way you think you do no matter how long the relationship has gone on. My emotions are all over the place. I’m furious and then I have hysterical crying.

[SoManyQuestions18]

He has 2... forgot to say that during my rant

[NewReality]

Hey @SoManyQuestions18, I completely understand your thought or at least your reaction is what I would expect of someone. I was recently diagnosed with HSV2 like a month ago (asymptomatic and it was a huge surprise to me). This is the exact reason why I want to disclose. I don't want someone to feel the way you do and doubt so many other aspects of a relationship. It just isn't worth the headache. Given that you're already in the situation, I think it's more of a relationship issue versus an HSV issue. You need to decide if this is someone you really can trust given the alleged magnitude (at least social stigma wise) of what was hidden. The HSV issue can be managed for the most part and if you did contract it, it's a moot point worrying about it.

 

And @Lifegoesonn, "That’s the thing with men they do not care smh". Your generalization is disrespectful...similar to how people genarlize about HSV. Grow up.

[SoManyQuestions18]

@NewReality, I’m angry that I didn’t have a choice. He had choices and made bad ones. He chose to not tell me, therefore choosing to lie and think it was somehow okay. I don’t think having HSV changes a person so being told in advance and being educated, I believe we may have still had this relationship. I don’t think it would have been a deal breaker for us. But I should have been told and given the choice of deciding for myself and have the choice to accept the risks. The negligence of not disclosing, and in his case, not being properly educated on something he’s lived with for 13 years, is unacceptable. Maybe if he had made informed decisions, he would have handled it differently. And of course a relationship built on a lie is not a good one. I’m disappointed that he didn’t make wise choices. You’re absolutely right about telling someone upfront and avoiding the mess of feelings and questioning the value of the overall relationship. No one should have to find out the way I did. He unfortunately made his HSV secret the root of the problem.

[NewReality]

I really appreciate your view point and that you aren't in denial about his actions. They sucked and he had every opportunity to bring it up. You even had specific conversations on the topic with him. You seem like an intelligent and confident person, I'm sure you'll make the best decision for yourself once the dust settles. I just feel bad that you found out the way you did. In my case, I'm not necessarily sure who to be mad at. Maybe that made it easier for me and it didn't seem worth questioning people who I would hope didn't know they had it. Also, I'm still holding out that the lab technician running my results just screwed up as not having symptoms and only a number on a test makes me skeptical, but oh well. Anyway, good luck and I hope talking about any of this has been beneficial for you.

 

 

 

 

[HeyTotoro]

@SoManyQuestions18 I've always wondered how people can choose to be ignorant about something in their life that impacts other people. How are things between you both currently? Are you taking time apart until you can get your head wrapped around everything? That would be my number one recommendation is that you take however much time you need (and that is required obviously with the testing and waiting) to take care of your self-mentally, emotionally, and physically.

 

 

[Lifegoesonn]

@somanyquestions18 yeah because I hate when I read stuff and the giver say I was gonna tell you or blah blah , it’s soo crazy to me it’s so frustrating

 

And @newreality , shut up, you make no sense your disrespectful for not respecting my comment..

 

 

[SoManyQuestions18]

My lab results are official now so I guess at least the anticipation is gone, if that supposed to provide relief.