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I don't know what to do, I feel like I'm stuck in a rut!! :(


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I contracted herpes at the age of 14, when I was molested by mom's friend's husband. My mom was a single mom and she used to leave me there when she went to work. This happened for years, and I was too afraid and threatened to say anything to my mom. I knew something wasn't right and I went to the clinic to get test and I came up positive for HSV-2. I moved to America after this whole thing happened with my dad and tried to move on from that. I have always had issues getting over this and I blame myself for this and everything. It ruined my childhood and everything. I am 30 years old and have only had one serious relationship, which ended in a marriage proposal but I said no (this was about 5 yrs ago and he knew that I had herpes). I just didn't understand why he would want to be with me and now I know it was my low self esteem. I push everyone away from me, and I feel like I don't deserve love and have really low self-esteem. I have tried everything, going to a therapist, church, etc and I still feel the same over the years. I actually have come to the point that I am okay with being alone for the rest of my life. I found this website on youtube and thought maybe this would be a great place to get support.

 

Thanks for reading

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I just want to give you a big hug and say i am so sorry this happened to you...you had no choice and have had to deal with the emotional aftermath. I know you feel like it is your fault....it so wasn't and I wish you could let go of that blame you dump on yourself. You were a child...and your trust was violated, your innocence taken away. I can understand why you put up emotional walls to protect yourself, you had to...and now you want to take them down.

 

You totally deserve love and heaps of it...it's very sad you turned down your marriage proposal. Were you able to talk about the reasons why and did he understand? Do you still have contact with him, were you able to stay friends?

 

I understand your frustration with therapy and church...they are outside things that help but it is your core belief that you are unworthy that is stopping you from healing. And you are worthy...your past is not you. It is something that happened to you and you did the best you could in the situation. I am glad you found this site...we all understand the feelings you have and everyone has a story about how H became part of their life.

 

You can vent and question all you like on here :-) Big hug. x

 

 

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Thank you for opening up with us, shernil. You didn't deserve what he did to you. Not one bit. Please don't blame yourself! Children are supposed to be safe with adults. And when an adult violates that implicit safety and trust, that's something seriously wrong with the adult, NOT the child. Unfortunately, the child tends to take it on as something wrong with them. But it's simply not true. I hear that you have been alone a lot. AND I see that you are reaching out to us right now ... this takes you caring about yourself enough to reach out.

 

Also, I recognize your self-awareness ... that you see yourself pushing others away ... that you recognize you have low self-esteem. In my experience, that level of self-awareness leads to greater and greater levels of self-care. You notice more and more the power you have over your own experience, how you choose to see the world. And that leads to you shifting that so you can feel better. I can hear the deep desire in you to really feel loved ... and I honor that part of you that is dedicated to finding that. Thank you for taking a step towards that self-love here with us. You will only be alone for the rest of your life if that's what you decide. And you're not alone right now. We're here for you.

Notes:

  • My mother is now in hospice with end-stage cancer, so I am at her house a lot these days helping where I can until she passes. Thank you in advance for understanding if I am not as quick to respond as I normally would be. This is a precious and bittersweet time …
  • This content is for informational purposes only. This information does not constitute medical advice or diagnosis. I'm not a medical professional, so please take this as friendly peer support. 

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