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Sexual activities that are safe

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I have HSV 2 for over 20 yrs and have been with my husband that enitre time. We are fluid bonded. But we just opened up our marriage and I now have a new partner and the two of us are also deeply in love. I disclosed my HSV 2 status prior to us meeting in person and he didn't have much of a reaction. Now that we've gone on a few dates and have done some making out, I brought it up again to ask what he's comfortable with and what his thoughts/questions/concerns are. He told me he dated someone with HSV2 a while back and his wife wasn't ok with him exposing himself to ANY risk. So he wants to navigate this carefully. Here are my quesrions:


1. What are the sexual activities we can do that won't put him at risk at all? For example, I can use my hand on him. Can he on me? What things can he do to me with 100% safety?


2. Can anyone give me a link to reliable statistics on risk with using condoms? And dental dams?


Thank you everyone. We're deeply in love. We've known each other years. And now that we've finally gotten together we want this to work in a way that makes him AND his wife feel safe.

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I would point you that you mentioned this guy's wife doesn't want him to be exposed to risk like HSV.

Putting the shoe on the other foot, if you had made clear your expectations in your open relationship and your husband ignored your stipulations, what would you think of the woman he had done that with?

Because it is likely that you will feel this way about yourself if you enable this guy's actions.

It might be a good idea to pre-emptively absolve youraelf of responsibility by abstaining with this guy. Or, at least recommend that he inform his wife that he intends to have sex with someone who has HSV, thereby relieving yourself of a measure of responsibility.

In fact, you aren't subject to such rules, but he is, he has told you, you are aware, and you have a choice that bears a level of moral implications which likely could impact your self-image and self-respect.


If you are certain about your decision to go ahead and cross that line,

Consider taking supression medication like valacyclovir or equivalent several weeks before having sex with him, and be sure to use condoms correctly. Also (obviously) abstain whenever you migjt be experiencing symptoms leading to, or resulting from an outbreak. These are the only clinically proven methods to prevent transmission and they are effective in reducing risk. However, risk will always be present, and you need to be prepared for what might happen if he does contract the virus.

If that means moving to a new town and hiding from this guy's wife because she would likely be on a vigilante war-path, getting your passport, savings, and family prepared is probably worth while.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Ok, whoa. No, we aren't going to do anything without him first talking to his wife. My question was what activities can we do that won't transmit HSV 2. Yes, I'm on suppressive meds and I know with condom use the risk is low. But it's still there. And if his wife isn't ok with taking on that risk, I respect that. But there has to be some things we can do with no risk. For example, if I were to give him a hand job that is not going to transmit HSV 2 to him, correct? Aren't there other things he and I can do that are sexual but no risk? Another thing I can think of is spanking. We have a D/s dynamic. I'm looking for suggestions like those so that he and I can still enjoy intimacy but maintain his wife's boundaries if she tells him she wants them.

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You'll have to communicate with him about what kind of risk is acceptable to each of you, and understand that those opinions can change day to day.

It's a good thing that your goal is to prevent any regret or shame, because nobody should have to feel that way about sex.

I think it would be somewhat foolish to assume that transmission can't happen if you do act x or act y. There are so many complicating factors involved.

For example, a handjob seems totally safe regarding transmission. But, there is risk from possibly having touched yourself, too. Compounded by the fact that it is actually possible to contract hsv in any mucus memberane (while some places might be statistically less likely, risk still exists and it does happen).

What you're likely to run into is more a matter of each of you consenting to a kind of behavior that you are each comfortable with.

There simply isn't any solid medical research that can guarantee that act x is this percentage safe, compared to act y which is this other percentage. Unfortunate as it is, you'll have to feel things out and put some due consideration into what might happen.

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