Feeling overwhelmed in disclosure

[Freakingoutbad]

I realize in writing this that I'm going to be judged...I would just ask that you realize that I'm in a bit of shock and trying to process a lot.

My wife and I have been married for 20 years and have been happy, although we've had our bumps like everyone.  For the last several years, our sex life has declined to where we could go months without having sex.  About 2 weeks ago, I was feeling down on myself for that and I made a terrible mistake.  I was out of town and met a woman at a conference.  She was very flirty and after a few drinks I got up to go to the bathroom and she followed me in and gave me a blowjob.  A few days ago, I developed 4 small painless blisters, they showed up and were scabbed over in the same day.  After researching everything I could find on the internet, I'm convinced it is herpes.  I obtained a Valtrex Rx online and began taking it the day after it appeared and the scabs are almost gone, 6 days later.  I got a full STD test as well but i realize that it will be a few months before it is positive.

So here is my terrible question that I'm struggling with.  I made a mistake.  I knew instantly I shouldn't have done it and regretted it since.  I chose not to tell my wife because I knew I would never do it again and I'm near 100 percent sure she would leave me for cheating....moreso for cheating AND getting herpes.  We have a happy marriage - since we were teenagers with grown kids.  Just starting to enjoy our empty nest years.  And now I'm scared it's ruined from a 5 minute mistake.  So I contemplate not telling her.  From what I read, if I don't have sex in an outbreak and take suppression anti-virals, the risk is about 4 percent that I would give it to her....maybe less since we probably wouldn't be having sex as much as an average couple.  Then, if she did happen to contract it, like 70% of people who get it never have symptoms and know they have it.  So, 4% chance she gets it and if she does, a 70% chance she has no symptoms and lives her life and never is aware she has it.

I totally agree with her right to consent and know....but the consequences will be huge - for both of us if I tell her.  We will lose each other.  I know some will say she will understand but I know her and she won't.

So I don't know what to do.  She's out of town for the next several weeks so I have some time to decide but not much.

[RegularGuy]

The fallout doesn't disappear by ommitting the truth. The damage is not undone by lying.

Realistically, there is nothing to be gained by avoiding the conversation. Your silence and avoidance will only compound your guilt and her anger.

You have to start that conversation so that you can regain your own self-respect. Otherwise, alone or married, you will continue to undermine your own happiness and hurt the people close to you.

Your actions and your decisions do matter. You may have felt like there would be no, or minimal impact from choices you made. But your decisions and your choices are very powerful.

Use that power to try to do good, to try to do right by yourself and those closest to you.

There are a million reasons not to do the right thing. Spend enough time racking your brain on it, and you'll eventually find a few things that temporarily make the wrong thing more comfortable. But it won't last and your silence will continue to erode your own ability to find contentment.

[bird]

As a person who failed to disclose, I can attest to the dishonesty not being a preferable option. I had that eating me up inside. I was a shell of my normal happy genuine self. Trying to suppress the guilt is not healthy, worthwhile, long term option. I believe it will affect your soul/character in permanent negative ways you may not yet foresee.  It took me about a week to come clean. He was hurt, sad, disappointed, scared and outraged. I took his fury (which was surprisingly fair and controlled for the most part). I just listened and agreed and apologized. 

I have done some serious emotionally painful soul-searching, but I can now start to move forward.  I'm even starting to feel a little more back to myself. I won't soon forget this mistake and hope I learned from this horrible experience and everything he said to me, so that I can avoid this disaster in the future. It's heart-breaking losing a really good man. I'm sorry I blew it.  But I don't feel entitled to people and I want him to be able to live in the truth/honesty, even if it's not me. 

Granted I wasn't married or even hadn't been in a long-term relationship. But I think you need to stop thinking about yourself. You owe her the truth. Things will likely go topsy-turvy, but if you are otherwise a good man to her and your family, and she sees you came forward with the truth, she may likely be able to forgive you (though on her own terms & timing). 

[organicmama]

On 7/18/2018 at 5:18 PM, Freakingoutbad said:

I realize in writing this that I'm going to be judged...I would just ask that you realize that I'm in a bit of shock and trying to process a lot.

My wife and I have been married for 20 years and have been happy, although we've had our bumps like everyone.  For the last several years, our sex life has declined to where we could go months without having sex.  About 2 weeks ago, I was feeling down on myself for that and I made a terrible mistake.  I was out of town and met a woman at a conference.  She was very flirty and after a few drinks I got up to go to the bathroom and she followed me in and gave me a blowjob.  A few days ago, I developed 4 small painless blisters, they showed up and were scabbed over in the same day.  After researching everything I could find on the internet, I'm convinced it is herpes.  I obtained a Valtrex Rx online and began taking it the day after it appeared and the scabs are almost gone, 6 days later.  I got a full STD test as well but i realize that it will be a few months before it is positive.

So here is my terrible question that I'm struggling with.  I made a mistake.  I knew instantly I shouldn't have done it and regretted it since.  I chose not to tell my wife because I knew I would never do it again and I'm near 100 percent sure she would leave me for cheating....moreso for cheating AND getting herpes.  We have a happy marriage - since we were teenagers with grown kids.  Just starting to enjoy our empty nest years.  And now I'm scared it's ruined from a 5 minute mistake.  So I contemplate not telling her.  From what I read, if I don't have sex in an outbreak and take suppression anti-virals, the risk is about 4 percent that I would give it to her....maybe less since we probably wouldn't be having sex as much as an average couple.  Then, if she did happen to contract it, like 70% of people who get it never have symptoms and know they have it.  So, 4% chance she gets it and if she does, a 70% chance she has no symptoms and lives her life and never is aware she has it.

I totally agree with her right to consent and know....but the consequences will be huge - for both of us if I tell her.  We will lose each other.  I know some will say she will understand but I know her and she won't.

So I don't know what to do.  She's out of town for the next several weeks so I have some time to decide but not much.

My son's father did not disclose to me. He slept with other women and contracted HSV-2. He knowingly passed it to me. I will not speak to him anymore. We have not seen him in months. He did not give me BASIC human decency. According to my therapist (who is a social worker), I could have charged him with sexual assault. I definitely thought about it. Having HSV-2 is the worst thing that has EVER happened to me. Your wife does not deserve the anxiety that HSV causes. She did not do anything to deserve that. You also do not know if she will have symptoms or not. Some people get painful, awful, recurrent symptoms. It is not your choice to make. It is her choice to make if she wants to be with you after what you did.