I Messed Up

[butterfly2018]

In January, my boyfriend at the time did not disclose and he gave me HSV2. To this day, he won’t admit to doing so. 

I stayed with a few more months out of fear that I’d never be able to find someone to love me. Once we broke up, I started dating a previous ex. I fully disclosed to him. I’ve disclosed to anyone that expressed interest to me and no rejected me luckily. 

Except once. I’ve been talking to this great new guy and he made me feel amazing. How I felt before herpes.... we unexpectedly hooked up one night and since we hadn’t been on a date or spent any time together prior, I didn’t disclose. I feel so stupid. That was about 21 days ago, he hasn’t shared with me that he’s had any symptoms. But, today I disclosed to him fully and he’s now speechless of course. 

We started out protected, but ended unprotected. And I do take valtrex, but not consistently smh. I know he needs space but just looking for advice to possibly fix this? It’s been eating me up and I’m glad I’ve disclosed now.. but I’m terrified he’ll want nothing to do with me and I’ll be only able to understand. 

Any advice on what I should say from here? To get back on track or not do too much? 

[organicmama]

Hey, this is coming from someone who got it from someone who did not disclose. I'm glad you finally did disclose but in the future you definitely need to tell them in advance. My son's father did not disclose, was on medication, and gave it to me only after a couple of times of being intimate. We broke up for a period of time, which he slept with other women (obviously), and then we got back together. I have completely cut him out of my life because he did not give me basic human respect of allowing me to make the choice. I will never forgive him. He effected my health and my body image. I just don't think that's right. I am not trying to make you feel bad AT ALL because I am sure you feel bad enough but not disclosing is wrong. I think you just need to give him his space, be understanding, and learn from this.

[bird]

On 9/29/2018 at 12:46 PM, butterfly2018 said:

...

Any advice on what I should say from here? To get back on track or not do too much? 

Hi Butterfly2018.   

I too fell in love with a man who was beginning to make me feel, as you've put it, "How I felt before herpes" - which was like I was this magical wholesome person and I just wanted to be free & blissful with him.  Most of my disclosures resulted in them choosing to be with me. But the BIG difference was I gave them the choice ahead of time and thus we could manage risk in a controlled together fashion. I think one of the many factors that led to me failing to disclose to this guy was just how impressed I was becoming by him. I've been starting to wonder that it has been easier to tell someone I'm not that swept away by, and, conversely, more difficult with a very impressive person that I wasn't sure I was good enough for. Sad truth, he would've accepted me had I disclosed in advance, but now he can't forgive me (heck, I can't even forgive myself).

Here is a statement I've posted elsewhere:

I don't think it's necessarily "horrible" to disclose anymore.

In my experience, the fear is the worst part. Looking back, I allowed the fear to let me feel unworthy and it eroded my self-esteem, which in turn eroded my ability to talk normally and maturely about it. The sooner you tell, the easier. Because I've lived the opposite route multiple times. As more time goes by, the more it feels like I was being dishonest, even though we hadn't even had sex yet. I too struggled with when was the too soon ("Hi, My name is _____, and I have genital herpes." versus too late (Uh oh, he's got his hand down my pants!). I read an article recently where someone tells them after the second date has gone well and it's obvious there will be a third. I've just decided that's my plan of attack for the future.

I have also recently gone the route of not disclosing, while I *knew* I had it, to a good man I was starting to fall in love with.  I think in my mind I tried to deny the reality of what I was doing to avoid the embarrassment and awkwardness. But the reality of what I did, when I knew I had to tell him, and after I did finally tell him, was the WORST.  Dishonesty is never a good thing (I'm unfortunately still learning), as tempting as it can seem. I have more shame now in having potentially exposed a totally innocent man and making his life unnecessarily more difficult than it already has been for him.  I could've avoided it all with a simple, mature discussion. 

I'm here to WARN people NOT to make the same mistake I have made. 

 

[New2GH]

@bird, thank you for sharing your experience with this forum.  I think it is really important to understand the consequences of non-disclosure.  Lately there seems to be more posts here about disclosure vs non-disclosure.  I hope the one's that are considering the non-disclosure route get something out of your story.