How do I move on from my giver?

[cantgetoverthis]

Hi.

in all honesty im just sad. Someone messaged me today and it just triggers my emotions. I’m sad.

this guy who messaged was one of the first I met just before diagnosis, when I had the virus in my system, I threw up 13 times that night. 

But what bothers me honestly is how do I move on from my giver? My first boyfriend, my first love, I gave him everything and in return he gave me this, not only using me for my body only, but just really mind fucking me, acting as if he likes me and doing exactly the shit he said was on me. That I’m to blame, that I wanted the relationship etc when he never did. Blaming me for everything.

 

so how the fuck do I move on? How do I stop wondering why I must still love him so much? They don’t understand. People don’t. Why I still feel this, why I can’t let him go. I always felt like letting him go means losing myself forever. I gave him every single fucking piece of me, and he took it all. He ruined me. He basically killed me and honestly I struggle to even come back to where I am. In a second I can break down and everything means literally nothing.

how do I stop feeling like I love him? Do I even love him? I don’t think I’ll ever stop loving him. 

It wouldn’t even change because technically he’s with me forever, and that’s not fucking unforgivable.

 

really, I guess I just needed to rant and vent. That after years... I’ll never move on from him. I don’t know if Iran because I love him, or because he gave me herpes. How could I ever be so stupid? ... how...

[cantgetoverthis]

You know what? Honestly. Fuck it. I am just so fucking sad. I will never ever fucken get over this. I try pretend I will but honestly, the fucken effect it has had on my head I will never fucking move on. 

I think I know myself well enough to know I will never move on. The fucken impact its had on me. Being so suicidal, now I can be suicidal and be so fucking clear minded, my head clear, I cry. I cry because now it’s even more clear than when I used to cry uncontrollably. i fucking hate my life. I fucking hate this.

im going to be so honest and so raw with my emotions. This is a reminder for when I’m ok and I see this. That in all honesty I know deep down no matter how much I think I’m ok, I’m not. Maybe some of you know how it feels, but now I’m just so done trying to convince myself and others.

i always think about writing I can stuff here from my experience and how to help people move on, but look at me... inside I’m just fucked up all over. 

[100918]

7 hours ago, cantgetoverthis said:

You know what? Honestly. Fuck it. I am just so fucking sad. I will never ever fucken get over this. I try pretend I will but honestly, the fucken effect it has had on my head I will never fucking move on. 

I think I know myself well enough to know I will never move on. The fucken impact its had on me. Being so suicidal, now I can be suicidal and be so fucking clear minded, my head clear, I cry. I cry because now it’s even more clear than when I used to cry uncontrollably. i fucking hate my life. I fucking hate this.

im going to be so honest and so raw with my emotions. This is a reminder for when I’m ok and I see this. That in all honesty I know deep down no matter how much I think I’m ok, I’m not. Maybe some of you know how it feels, but now I’m just so done trying to convince myself and others.

i always think about writing I can stuff here from my experience and how to help people move on, but look at me... inside I’m just fucked up all over. 

You WILL be able to move on. I was in a relationship with my giver for 9 years, married for 5 of those years. He also was a mind-fucker, made me feel like no one else would ever want me (and I didn't even know that he gave me H until 9 years after I left him because I am asymptomatic). Although I certainly did not love him anymore when I left him, and have no feelings for him now either, it was hard for me to move on and feel like I could date. He did a number on me, just in a different way than yours did.

What I did was talk to a counselor, and then I gave myself time to get right with MYSELF. I took literal YEARS to just be by myself with my kid. I learned how to be Happy by myself, and happy with myself and my life before even considering letting a man in. And when I finally decided to date, I did so with the intention that dating is not something that I am doing to COMPLETE my life...it's something that I am doing to COMPLEMENT my life.

And I started dating someone that had potential. And then I got tested because I was requiring it of him as well...and I was diagnosed with H. And it was devastating. And he rejected me. But, then I had to go back and remember what I spent the past 9 years doing...being good with ME, and knowing that no matter if I have a man in my life or not, I have a GOOD LIFE, and I am HAPPY. And finding out that I have H does not change any of that. The guy who rejected me only stayed away for a couple of days and now we've been talking almost daily since then (just over a month). I have no idea what's going to happen with him, if anything. But no matter what, I am okay.

And you will get there too! It will take time, yes. And you will probably have some rough days. But counseling can help with this tremendously, and also meditating and self-reflection. Your life is NOT over...you just had someone fuck with it. You can get your life back, and it will be better than ever, but you have to be open to knowing that it is possible.

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem...and even though H is a virus that lives in our bodies for life, it is not a virus that will control our lives. It's a nuisance, just like a period. It comes around, it's uncomfortable, and then it goes away. NOTHING in this life is ever bad enough to take our own lives. Please find a counselor to talk to so you can begin the work on yourself. You are worth putting the time into, and life can be SO GOOD! 

[sweetlove884]

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I wish there was something I could do to help! 

I went through some of this nearly four years ago. It wasn't related to herpes. I only recently was diagnosed. 

There was a guy I had a short relationship with. He fell in love with me. Several months later I fell in love with him. But just three days after I realized I loved him he broke up with me. 

I took it really hard. I grieved for months. I cried and cried. Then I had a nervous breakdown. I became manic (bipolar). It was the first mental problem I had ever had in my life at age 52. I don't know that the grief caused it, but I suspect it did. 

I had two manic episodes that were 3 months each. I was committed 5 times. 

Love is a powerful thing and just because other people may get over heart break quickly, not all of us do. The heart break was the worst pain I've ever felt in my life. So I sympathize with you so much. 

I'm still not over him completely. And just a couple weeks ago I found out he is dead. I grieved again, but not too terribly. I wonder if I'll always feel a stab in my heart when I think if him.