DeeDeeMe

Dancer - You inspired me to come out! I've been on the site since I found in September but after reading your posts I posted my pic & changed my username to my real name. I've already told my close friends & family - and nothing but support! I agree it would be amazing if everyone came out at once! xx Candice

Same with me! Want to change it from Josie to Candice :)

I am so thankful for having found the H Opportunity and most importantly, Adrial. Although he says that only I can save myself, I truly felt that Adrial came into my life at a crucial time, when I was without hope and in a lot of pain. For that I am truly grateful for you Adrial. Thank you for creating this beautiful place of acceptance and love. I adore you. I am so thankful for my small but growing business, my wonderful group of friends & family who I confided in when I was diagnosed recently and have shown unconditional love (in fact not one person has batted an eye but instead said "Oh I know someone...". You all know the end of that phrase ! :) I am thankful for being able to dance, which brings me unlimited joy and is my never-ending source of happiness. And I am thankful for my little fur babies Beau & Charlie, who have given me such joy in taking care of them. I am thankful that through herpes, I have finally looked my fears and limiting beliefs in the eye and realized, with Adrial's help, that I don't have to 'fix' anything. I can just be. Happy Thanksgiving all! PS my real name is Candice ;)

Thank you Rogue for writing you perfectly encapsulated what I am feeling. This is my first day on here - I was diagnosed yesterday - although my ordeal initially started 5 years ago. I was initially diagnosed through a blood test when some symptoms started after I slept with my boyfriend for the first time without condoms. Then I was told no I didn't have herpes - but that it actually was an autoimmune disease. That was about a 2 year period of the uncertain phase where I visited 9 doctors until a specialist said I had an autoimmune disease. She put me on medication and I thought I had been successfully treated. Then no outbreaks or symptoms for 3 years until one day a few weeks ago I had an outbreak - but it didn't feel like the normal autoimmune symptoms. So I went back again and was told it was in fact herpes. Oh my god all of the angst and worry and devastation from the first diagnosis came flooding back. Having lived through this once before I can also tell you I'm having the EXACT same thoughts as you are, Rogue. It's like you took the words right out of my mouth. I too, am so mad at myself for lowering my standards. I just wanted to be loved but even when I would find evidence that my boyfriend was cheating or lying he would insist he wasn't lying. I would say "just tell me the truth and we can work on whatever it is" and he would always insist he was telling the truth. I was always so careful and told him before we slept together without condoms that we both had to be tested. He then told me he had been tested and was clean. Little did I know he was lying - he knew he had herpes. He even had an outbreak that he lied and told me that it was thrush or something and that he'd had it for years. I ended up finding out the horrible truth about him years after we broke up - from his current wife. (Yes shes got even worse self esteem than I do.) She found my number because he had been cheating on her - when we both compared notes and she confronted him, he finally came clean about his years and years of lies. He admitted he'd cheated on both of us with multiple girls, that he was a sex addict, had a lying problem, etc etc. I was horrified - I'd had a good upbringing, traveled the world, was educated, spoke several languages, had a great job - how the hell did I fall such a low life? I'd never been confident dating - for some reason I always suffered from low self esteem. I always suffered from feeling "less than" others. After years of therapy I know it came from the way I was treated by my parents although it wasn't anything too severe. They didn't abandon me and they always gave me everything. They loved me and were good parents but never really instilled confidence in any of the kids. We argued a lot, they were very strict, and they were very punitive. I too felt like damaged goods. For whatever reason all 3 of the children in our family lack confidence where are love lives are concerned. We are all in our late 30s and early 40s and single. It's so sad as my siblings are amazing and kind people - we just didn't get that kind of positive reinforcement or validation that creates self worth. The worst part is that I dated this shady guy from ages 36-39. I too was afraid of being alone and wanted children. Im now 42 and feel like the old unmarried spinster doomed to die alone. I've always wanted to be a mother and all of my friends (with children) tell me what a nurturer I am and what a great mother I will be. I guess the horrible thing about herpes is that the fear of our future is the same whether in your early 20s or my age. I feel like "who's going to marry me now, the 42 year old never married spinster with herpes?" I was holding out hope that I would eventually win out over my longstanding insecurities and meet someone, settle down, and hopefully have children (or adopt) but I feel like this happening to me is the final blow to my dream for my life as well. Thanks for listening...