inspired32

hi just to update you, unfortunately the guy i was seeing stopped talking to me abruptly one morning a couple days ago. I found out my giver told him about my herpes and he told me he is grossed out and doesnt wanna talk to me anymore. I am upset but when talking to my mom she reminded me you need to put yourself in his shoes (before you knew the information about this and knew it yourself) you thought the stigma was negative and gross and you would feel the way he does and need to understand why he feels that way. I am only still upset my giver told him and sabotaged me but i guess he did me a favor. what a bummer, just hope it doesnt get in the way of me dating other guys but realize i can't see anyone connected with my giver ever again.

Thank you, I am feeling a little trapped especially because of his connection with my giver.It is trapping feeling when you feel like others do not understand your emotions since they don't know you have herpes. I agree with you that taking it slow is a very beautiful thing and I do plan to continue doing that. I used to be that person even without herpes, but now that I have it I realized how tempting sex is and that it is something I could have dived into without herpes (since I am on birth control). It is good that I have this and use it as a stop sign. I just hope one day, if we do get serious he can accept me. My only fear is that it could either make him hate his friend (my giver) or make him take his side and not believe me. Until then, I will take things slow and feel out the type of person he is. Thank you! PS: I notice now that the only times I really remember I have herpes is when I run into my giver or am reminded of him consistently. As long as I try to maintain distance from him, I tend to feel better and more free. It also doesn't help my one year anniversary of herpes is coming up! :) :(

i have been seeing a new guy for a month now (not officially) but we have discussed how we see each other seriously and he has told me he may want to pursue me later on. One issue I have is that this boy is friends with my H giver. it has been about a whole year since my diagnosis and falling out with the giver, but it is hard because i feel trapped. I like this new guy a lot and i know how much he respects me. We have not done anything physical yet, he knows i am full of hatred toward (his friend) he doesn't get why but all i say is you don't know him like me, it is something i can't and do not want to talk about. I don't think it is right to tell him because i am not close enough yet to this guy and sex is not something i am even considering anytime soon. Has anyone been in this situation before and has advice or thinks its a bad idea? Me and the giver's "relationship" is now completely gone we don't talk and if we run into each other he won't even look up he keeps his head down and looking in another direction. i ran into him at my new guys house recently and it was very uncomfortable (my giver wouldn't look up) very disturbing to me and obviously he knows i am seeing his friend now. I just want some support because this new guy is great but i do still feel lingered in the aftermath of my "trauma."

That is completely understandable and I'm so sorry that is happening to you. I can relate with you about your now ex-boyfriend because with my situation he denied it all the way too and acted like we would keep seeing each other only for it to fade off a month ish later. For me it was right before summer and we live in different hometowns so i wouldn't be seeing him for 3 whole months. It was very hard but we kept up through texting and the phone and he claimed he would get tested and never did because he lied that his test was negative. i know he lied because my gyno told me he 99% gave me it. He and sounds like your guy too are cowards, they can't and are not ready to admit they could have passed ons something devastating to someone they cared for. Until then, they won't be able to successfully date either, it just may look like they are. I still struggle (its been almost one full year since) and it is very difficult. It has taken me longer to open up to boys (just about anything) because i feel vulnerable and afraid. I notice i can't have stressful people in my life so i am able to weed away the douchebags easily! :) I have not disclosed to any new partners (i never even had intercourse with the giver nor since a few years) and feel to do that i need to disclose. I have disclosed to a couple best girlfriends and my mom and sister and that is all for now. I am writing this so you do not feel alone because i feel alone on some days and i know it is very scary. This does happen to people they just don't talk about it because society shuns this topic. I am sorry this happened to you but we both cannot sit here feeling bad for ourselves when it is just a virus it doesnt change who we are as people. Only special people who come into our lives even DESERVE this personal and private information and when that happens i believe the connections we will find will be so strong and exciting. I can't wait for that, but, until then, we must stay very strong in this because we are only innocent victims.

i found this to be a very genuine post. I am a very spiritual person and completely agree with everything you have said and feel the same way about it. After being told i had herpes, i also realized my life changed not only based on my emotions. I noticed that i needed to keep my immune system very healthy (i take L-Lysine) and that it is very important to stay healthy. Moreover, i realized that i cannot be around stressful, negative, people. i can no longer have friends who cause drama and make me feel stressed out and angry because they, by doing that, can trigger an outbreak for me! I have felt that i now surround myself with loving people and it keeps those "bad ones" out it is not only for my mental health and because those people suck, but its for my herpes. i love this site because i honestly think it turns a not so good thing into a positive situation, everything happens for a reason and for some reason we, the people on this site got herpes.

I wrote earlier in this conversation and love how much it has expanded. I want to now add in my current dilemma which i still feel i have the answer to. I am still seeing the guy i mentioned above and have been hooking up with him for about 5 months now. We are casual because he is graduating in a month and a half and just love spending time with one another. I have chosen NOT to disclose to him because we are never going to be officially dating. Also, i abstain from allowing him to go down on me and keep our hook ups clean. We have not had sex because i usually never (and have never) had sex with a guy who was not my boyfriend. Also, i feel too guilty not disclosing before sex even though protected sex is much more safe than if i were to have oral sex with him. (i have type 1) anyways, it has gotten really heated between us lately and i am able to not have sex but i want to so bad! i could do the non-disclosure thing that has been mentioned above, but i care for this guy, and feel wrong and also he is graduating in a month so having sex will only make me more attached to him?? what do you guys think?

Thank you for your insight as well. I appreciate you sharing both sides to your experiences. It is a complicated matter because there is more to it, but at the same time it almost is not only the herpes part, but also this guy i am seeing has never had a girlfriend and specifically told me he does not want a relationship right now. It may seem hard to understand why I am still seeing him, but ever since i have left my herpes burden down, i noticed already that I feel i can relax around him both sexually and emotionally. I enjoy my time with him so much that i care a lot about him. I do not get communication from him about how he feels about me, that he likes me, or thinks I'm pretty, so that makes me unsure if the deep feelings i feel are mutual. I refrain from sex for those reasons and including not knowing if he really truly feels the same way. I do want to mention, though, after my first virtual phone group, (februrary 22) i did disclosed to my best friend who I live with. It felt so good to say it even with a few smiles on my face. As soon as i told her i could tell she could not relate, but i knew that was not what i was asking of her. She immediately told me how she wished I told her earlier because NOW it makes sense why i hate (that guy) so much and her letting me know that he now is the one person she hates more than anything in her life was definitely showing me how much she cares about me. Nothing has changed since I told her, I only notice her having more of an understanding about my new boy situations or "sex" life.

i am so glad this was brought up! i was sitting here in my room just thinking about a disclosure i may or may not have because this guy is not my boyfriend, and was going to make my own discussion asking this but now ill comment on yours! i have been positive herpes type one (genitals) for 10 months now. i have been seeing (hooking up with) this guy for about 4 ish months we are not in a relationship, i wish, but he is graduating college in a month and a half from now. he does not know i have herpes because i have refrained from allowing him to go down on me. i don't tell him why i just say no not tonight and he obeys. we have done pretty much everything but oral and intercourse sex. i, even before having herpes was against sex unless it was with a BOYFRIEND who i had deep feelings for. its very hard for me now because i have deep feelings for this guy but know we are not bf gf and will never be. also he is leaving me upon graduation very soon. just the other night he asked if i was on the pill (BC) and actually i am, so i said yes, but for other reasons besides sex. and all he said was oh ok. and still acted fine but i have 2 dilemmas, one is that i would love to have sex with him but feel i can't because he is leaving so soon and is not my boyfriend, and a second one is that i feel IMMORAL not disclosing to someone before sex even though that is safest for me to engage in (protected of course). i have not had intercourse in 3 years and see it as special so i am unsure what to do because i do not want to disclose to someone i know is casual and risk losing him for the time i have him around? what do you think about all of this since you have a concern about causal sex an causal flings regarding disclosures?

I just wanted to add in a detail i forgot is that i have HSV type 1 on my genitals which i hear in my generation is much more common now. I don't know how much you both know about this type but i have done some research and found it is second most rare next to type 2 oral. when i did go to my in-person support group, however, i met one on one with the leader of the meeting to feel comfortable and because i wanted to really deeply share my story with her and gain her insight. it is difficult when you don't have many people to talk to and when your mom and sister are the only ones who know besides your giver it is hard. my mom is very affected by my virus and cries almost every time i bring it up which hurts me a lot because i get angry that i have gotten to a point of overcoming the burden, and she acts like i am going to die. i know it's because I'm her DAUGHTER and i'll know what that's like someday (as she says), but it drags me down, so i barely talk to her about it anymore. Anyways, back to the meeting, when i told her about my type she said you know you really only need to disclose to a partner if they DO NOT have oral herpes... and was shocked. she said you are immune to type 1 now and if they already have cold sores then they cannot get it from me by oral. she said your chances of contracting type 2 are still there but are extremely low because type 2 on the mouth is the most rare form... type one likes the mouth not genitals, which makes it only likely for a boy to catch it if they do not have cold sores. she says all you need to ask the guy before even disclosing is do you ever get cold sores? and if they say yes then say oh me too i was just wondering and if not then you can explain it. again, this is still my choice but that made me fee a WHOLE WORLD OF BETTER! also the fact that i shed less and have only had 1 mini outbreak since my initial helps. i am still coping through this, it is a process, but i am "seeing" ish a new boy now and it has not crossed my mind as much as it did when i was with the one right after my giver. i think i am really overcoming this but when the time is right, if he is special enough, i believe 100% in informing him. I hope i can continue like you both to grow through this as strongly as you have!

thank you so much for sharing your wisdom and experiences with me. i appreciate that and love that it has worked out so well for you. i agree with you 100% because i feel that way about other things that i share with my friends. it brings you close to your friends and withholding any information in general is isolating. i think that is why i consider myself such an open person with my friends. i basically tell them everything. i do believe there is a time and place for certain pieces of information and that there are some things that do not NEED to be said. However, i will consider your advice, and when i feel like there is no turning back and that i do not care i will definitely start by telling one person and then see how it feels because i know how rewarding it will feel. It was really nice going to an in person support group over winter break when i went home it lifted a lot off my shoulders. One of my friends from home (different state) when in college, knows but she is not a trustworthy friend and we don't talk anymore. it wasn't about this matter, she was not a good friend to me before this and she has not told anyone about this but it did feel good having one person bedsides my mom and sister to talk about it with. when the time is right, i may just tell my good friends. thank you!

i have run into this problem before.. ill shorten my story.. basically i have had herpes for 9 months now (only my initial outbreak plus a mini one about 3 months ago) i have only dated one new guy since the one who gave me it and believe i was "saved" from having to tell him because days before i was planning to disclose (him having no idea) he disappeared and we don't talk anymore... looking back I'm happy because i feel god saved me from telling someone very unworthy. I have FINALLY forgiven and stopped hating the guy who gave me it and even when i see him around on campus i feel free and his presence doesn't bother me one bit. I think i needed that to move on and i was stuck before. i have a few best girlfriends in my life who at this time have boyfriends. one of them who is a virgin talks to me about sexual stuff and her boyfriend all the time. i am known as the advice friend and she comes to me about a lot. unfortunately she gets yeast infections very often and i know that is what my outbreak stemmed from. when i stress to my friends that they can get an std from oral they tell me they are going to get tested. i probably come off as knowing a lot of information about this stuff to them so i hope they don't sense my secret. my friend asked me "so how many guys have eaten you out?" and i said "a lot..." and she goes ok so aren't you concerned and aren't you going to get tested then?!" and i just play it cool and say ehh I'm fine. (deep down i have herpes and got it that way.) it kills me to lie because i am so open but i truly don't think my friends need to know about this. i trust this one friend so much if i told her, but a lot of me feels that it is so unnecessary because what if it did get out? there is that huge stigma and although i am not carrying the burden of herpes any longer and wouldn't mind disclosing at this point (stopped when i finally got over the guys who gave me it), i wouldn't care what she thought of me but i am in college and words do spread as nasty rumors if things got out. i think its best not to tell but what do you guys think? tell some friends or save it strictly for potential boyfriends?

I am 20 years old and got diagnosed with HSV type 1 on my genitals just over 8 months ago. It took me a while but I have, for the most part, come to terms with it. Unfortunately the boy I was being intimate with at the time (never even had intercourse) did not tell me or knew he had it and still denied it when I told him I had an outbreak. It was right before summer break and we lived in different hometowns and we drifted apart that summer. I realized he was being a coward about it and really did not care about me at all. Since then I have forced myself to deal with this problem and am still working on my positive attitude. I met a new guy a couple months ago who is extremely sweet, caring, respectful, and a great guy. Unfortunately, he is graduating college at the end of this semester in just four months and just recently, i am on winter break, he told me he wanted to keep hanging out because he couldn't imagine not being around me, but did not want anything long term. I agreed to this because it showed me how much he cares about me and was willing to be with me even though he knew it may not last past graduation. I have been focusing on getting to know him these past two months and have not disclosed to him or have also not done anything to him physically since I would rather him know about my "problem" it is only fair. It wasn't until now that i feel he is worth disclosing to and i fear telling him. I am an open person, i now feel more comfortable with him, but there is always that fear that he will not accept IT, even though he accepts ME. I hope he will not be mad i waited this long to tell him, and will want him to see that i am still the same special girl he likes aside from this inconvenience. I have one of the most rare kinds that is more rarely spread and am not on medication full time, only when i feel something. I take care of my body take so many vitamins and try to not be stressed. Most of my stress lately has stemmed from the fear of knowing i have to tell him soon if i want to keep seeing him and continue on being intimate. I want direction on how to start this conversation and get him to see me for who i really am; not what IT really is.