inspired32

thank you lelani! that was my point exactly and I guess I was looking for some support. I have only a couple girlfriends besides my mom and sister who know and I know if I ask my friends they will say NO. I think it is something I may do for myself and this will also remove the guilt I have had this whole past year of being intimate with him and hiding about it. I spoke on the phone with Adrial about this issue before coming back to school- that was how serious and close I was to disclosing before. Im thinking he always says things like you know I never judge you.. so I was thinking of starting it off with so I know you always you will never judge me and you don't, i appreciate that, and there s something I would like you to know. and then say it. I have been living with this for a year and a half about.. and its almost like im tired of hiding from people!

I am posting in this same thread so I do not need to repeat the scenario about this guy. Since then I have gone on a few dates with other guys, hooked up (made out) with some and moved on. However, we have remained friends and do talk every week or two. Just recently he informed me he is coming back to town this upcoming weekend for a concert. He wants me to go with him and is starting to talk dirty to me again and made it clear he wants to be with me intimately. The part i am concerned about is, he brought up "want to know something i have never told you before... i have always wanted to eat you out" this made me go uh oh... and lose my excitement because obviously there is a reason i have not let him go down on me. we are not exclusive or in a relationship and are barely even seeing each other. however, i have known him for a year now and we both keep coming back to one another. i do trust him and there were a few times i have come close to disclosing and wanted to so badly but didn't because he did not want anything serious with me and i felt it wasn't the right situation to bring up that i have herpes. What i would like to know is it appropriate to bring it up this time? i feel like i have been hiding from him for so long and it would explain to him why i never let him go down on me. if i did disclose it will probably relieve me in seeing a guy's reaction, but at the same time it could backfire since we are not even "seeing each other really" anymore. it almost feels like this is gods way of getting me to disclose by giving me this opportunity i am confused and would like some advice. Also, i would not be disclosing to have sex or for a purpose other than my own relief and acceptance.

I hear what you are saying about disclosing even to casual hookups. I think my discrepancy is occurring due to the fact that even before I got herpes, I still did not prefer casual hook ups and did not go far with them at all past kissing or touching. Oral was something that took even a few months to get to with my giver. I find oral to be very intimate and now that I have herpes I do not see myself receiving it until I am in a relationship and have disclosed. I have, however, given it, which is something I still have mixed feelings about. The guy I am talking to now- I see it as he does not know me very well as a person- and at the same time I do not want anyone and everyone knowing about my private herpes because to me that is something I only want a select amount of people to know about me if they are "worth" knowing. I don't even know yet if this guy is a good guy for me- and I do not plan to do more than kiss him until I even have the slightest idea of that. My main fear about telling a causal fling quickly is not as much rejection, but the fear that they will tell other people and rumors will begin to flow around/ also them judging who I am based on that. I have only told my best friend here who is my roommate, my mom and sister and best friend from back home. I just do not feel like it is right for a "random" person to know something so private about me without knowing me well. In order for a guy to know me well there should and will probably be a deep connection forming which in turn is not a casual hookup it is the building blocks of a relationship. I hear myself saying that- haha and laugh :) because no matter what I try to do I still am a relationship person just as I was before herpes. Is there some happy medium here or am I already doing it? I still, though, feel a bit conflicted.

i would like a buddy too- can be male or female! I am in the Tucson, AZ area. Preferably someone around college aged and they can private message me as well :) I'm female.

I have been doing very well lately with my herpes status and spend an entire summer soley learning about myself and doing things I love for me. I am back at school (my last year in college) and still consider myself to be doing overall well. However, I know life is all about balance and positive and negative things happening all the time, but I have found a nasty trigger. Just recently I left the guy I was casually seeing because I finally got him to voice it was never going to progress past casualness, and knowing myself that I needed a deeper connection and commitment to disclose and take intimacy further (intercourse) I had to reject him. I have felt good since then, but just recently I have met another guy who is probably just for fun. I have made out with him, but I am contemplating and vacillating on what I am doing. I realized something I keep forgetting. Can I just make out with a guy and have fun? I don't think I really can ... because my integrity catches up with me. I am finding that after a couple nights of just making out (at a bar), I realize I am going to begin expecting a connection and a buildup of courtship since I refuse to be intimate without disclosing. I have never had the opportunity of disclosing with a guy since my giver, but I know that when I do it has to be a serious matter. Can I not really have fun casual hook ups anymore? I am just also upset because I have several run ins with my giver on campus, at the gym, and at bars and this weekend I saw him and his "partner in crime" if you have read my previous post about how I got entangled in a casual fling with his friend. Both of those boys are bad news, my giver even has a long-distance girlfriend now, but when I see them they stare me down like hawks. It really gets to me and makes me feel worthless reminding me I still face a struggle when it comes to sexual intimacy. I am just bumming out and feeling a tad lonely. I just also recently created a super (low key) profile on positive singles with no picture and barely any information. I am trying that out for fun, not even necessarily for a date, but am afraid I will begin to rely on it as the only route toward finding a mate. Is anyone else having these triggers for slight depression? I just want some support :( My roommate knows what I have and who my giver is and supports me, but she doesnt know what I am going through because she doesn't have herpes.

Hi singbluesilver, I just wanted to relate with you and let you know that when I feel a genital HSV 1 episode coming on I don't get itchy or tingly. Instead, my entire vagina becomes extremely sore like all of the muscles are sore and it does sometimes resemble a bladder infection because it's a very internal feeling and this is when no sores are present. I have not had sores since first time either! Thank god we are lucky huh? :) no jinxing :)

I think you telling us your real name and revealing that you have been "lying" only makes you and this site that much more real. The first second I read that I was in class. I got it in my email and got a warm fuzzy feeling. I think that is a huge step because I will admit, I become fearful revealing my real name publicly on the internet in association with herpes. I have told you my real name on the phone conferences, but chose not to on this site. Even with no picture I still have that fear. I think you are an amazing inspiration and even without meeting you or knowing your real name, Adrial (until now), I can honestly say you have positively impacted my life and can see you have to others as well. Thank you for being honest, and maybe I will come to a point where I feel I can do the same. Lelani, (Janice) that is awesome that you now came out with your name. My name is Alexa :) I also find your mentioning about telling your children about herpes interesting. I have told my mom before (I am only 20) that I cannot wait to be an inspiration for my kids and tell them all bout my herpes when I give them the sex talk. ;) It was interesting that she was hesitant about that and I would like to hear about your experience when you do that and how that goes. It is a while that I plan to have kids, but when I do I definitely think they deserve to know.

Just this past weekend the guy I mentioned I was "seeing" since last october came to visit me and his friends on campus. The first night he was here it was a party scene and people were around so I waited until that next morning after hooking up (like we usually do-still did not have him go down on me or have sex) to talk to him about where we stood. Everything went very well that night he seemed very into me and excited to be around me. That next day I brought up my feelings and asked him to tell me how he is feeling so I would know the reasons he even came to see me- if what we have is ever going to progress past a "friends with benefits" dynamic. He had nothing to say, could not express any emotions unfortunately. I knew then it was going to end. Later I spent that day with him and friends at a pool party and went out with him again that night, but he did not even kiss me or try to do anything. I brought up to him again (this time over the computer) how he feels and he FINALLY tells me he doesn't want a relationship. I told him I do not want to hook up with him anymore and want to only be friends. I will spare details but the main gist is that I did not feel in my heart that I myself would even want to date him let alone him date me. I cannot be with someone who cannot share emotions on an intimate, deep and serious level. Therefore, I am relieved I have never disclosed to him and now feel liberated and even more excited to meet an amazing guy to know when it is right to disclose. To those especially new to herpes, it is amazing how this virus did allow me to weed out this bad guy who was not right for me. In the end, even though without herpes he was closed off and never wanted a relationship, I still knew in my heart he wasn't worth disclosing to since he did not want a deeper connection. Herpes forced me to realize I am looking for a deep connection all together. I feel strong, inspired, and that a huge burden has been lifted off of my shoulders. I now feel ready to put myself out there because I know what I deserve and what I could potentially have.

I also wanted to thank you over the phone and forgot- but I took your advice from the last conference call in July and whenever I see my giver's car drive by I say "bless your heart" and smile. It is much better than allowing my blood to boil and really has helped a lot! I now add in bless your heart and your girlfriend :) hehe

Thank you so much! I loved talking with you too, you have a way with your words and having a very positive effect on my feelings. I just wanted to clear up that I actually have herpes type one on my genitals. I think that makes a slight difference when it comes to passing it on and shedding. I will probably be seeing him soon so I will update what happens !

All of this talk has been making me feel a tad confused lately. I began seeing a guy casually (10 months ago: isn't my thing nor was my choice) but I really liked him and knew that being with him as a hookup was the way I get to keep seeing him. We have never had intercourse because I only really believe in that when there is a commitment involved; however I did perform oral sex on him. I have not let him go down on me because I have herpes type one genitally. He does not know I have herpes. He was graduating and I still have this year of college ahead of me. Now that he graduated I thought we wouldn't talk but he is acting like he still wants to hook up. I feel I have known him for a long time now and that he wouldn't run from me if he knew but it would be a silent rejection. I am feeling very guilty now if I see him again because I have not disclosed to him and it isn't fair. I feel I have kept him safe and he is not my boyfriend nor will he probably ever be so is it worth it to tell him? I know this is an add on but just saw my giver is officially in a relationship with another girl on Facebook. That is hard, but I know I can't hate him. I am trying to date too but makes me feel scared for that girl and just overall shitty. :(

Hi ukgirl! I am very sorry to hear how it is not as seemingly "common" in the uk. I am sure this is a virus common everywhere but no one will talk about it unfortunately. I can relate with some of the emotions you are probably experiencing because even a year since finding out and my initial outbreak I am still struggling. My ex guy left me too pretty soon after and denied he had it. I can only say that with time and positive experiences it can get better. I go days with forgetting I have it and them go days where I am constantly on a downer about my life especially dating life. It is hard when you realize you can't live and have relationships the same way you had before. About the suppressive therapy, I have never heard that before. I was prescribed valicyclovir right when I was diagnosed which thankfully I was able to use for the initial outbreak. Ever since then I have had zero and only a couple days here and there where I feel a tingle and take a couple pulls to suppress it. You should find another doctor who will prescribe you medication because it is nice. I have it as a just in case emergency safety net. If you do end up having more frequent outbreaks you'll want the pills to speed up the healing process and they can also reduce viral shedding. Also, drinking alkaline water or alkaline foods or pills will help balance the PH in your body helping your immune system along with L-lysine vitamins. Get plenty of rest and avoid very stressful people! If you wanna talk more message me anytime I love talking on here with people who know this experience and I woul love to help... I always need help too.

A little over a year has passed since I first found out I tested positive for herpes type 1 on my genitals. Ever since then I have been extremely luck to have had zero outbreaks since my initial. I have been on a rocky path this past week having several epiphanies about myself and this experience by the end of the academic year. ( I am currently going into my last year of undergrad). The last (friends with benefits) fling I had was with a guy who lasted just over a month and was actually connected to my "giver." These small flings I have including the one with my giver have never gone past casual or became as intimate as having sexual intercourse. I felt at the time that abstaining from sex just as I was before this diagnosis was a great thing that made me unique because in my generation it felt nice to know I had respect for my body and did not sleep around. However, I am not realizing that I CAN'T have flings even without sex with having herpes. Not only can't I, but that oral sex or mutual masturbation is still a form of sex and that is not having 100% self respect. Anyways, that is my background on my latest lessons with having herpes, but the part I am feeling inferior about is that I am constantly having dreams about my giver and him tormenting me and haunting me. He is always very rude to me in my dreams and this time had a new girl in the dream. Not only do I dream about him, but also the guy I was recently with and who is his friend. He is always trying to get back with me but can't because of my rejection. I am just tired of being chased by him I know they are dreams but it has been a year and I really want to let go of this anger. I still hate him even though I have found my few (so far) "opportunities" from herpes. I see it as good and bad, but I want my giver to leave me alone. I am feeling like he gets to go live his life not facing that he has herpes and may be spreading it around unknowingly while I am struggling with accepting the fact that I have it and dealing with my life changes. I just don't want him to get away with it even though I know it is HIS life and HIS problems to deal with. Does anyone else have this kind of a problem with dreams? and inferiority?

that is an excellent idea that i have never thought about before! I think a lot of people whether they have it or not, or know they have it or not, act in denial and it is important everyone understands what herpes is really all about. When i mentioned what you guys do to help yourselves i guess i am looking to relate to things you do or thoughts you have that helps you get through the rough days. I have days where i am happy and nothing gets in my way, and then there are days i dwell on my giver and the guy connected to him and think how much anger i hold and how much i "may lose out" with men because it is so hard to find a good one let alone one who will deal with an std. i guess being only 20, i am still young and i have time to let it happen; its the fear of the unknown and the soon to be rejection faced by those we think would be understanding (like in your case) those things hurt and potentially will hurt the worst.

Penelope, I know! I have only had that one outbreak my initial one; and since then some days I forget I even have it and it's easier to pretend I don't. And to both of you: parksss about finding intelligent mature people you are right. I kind of do this thing in my head where when I Meet a guy or even with a guy friend I get to know their personality and then I picture what kind of reaction they may have based on that. If I can see them being a douche I make myself not get too close. If I can imagine the nice guy friend being understanding It fixes the types I go for in a way. I know every individual will react different and it won't mean they are a douche if they can't accept it everyone has a right to their feelings but Im curious what you guys do to help yourselves ?

thank you for sharing your story! I gasped a couple times at the first guy you mentioned but then nodded in sadness at how similar ish our stories are. you were 17 when you found out i was 19. Your giver was similar to mine in that he denied it completely and acted as if he felt bad for me but that it wasn't him. He faded out eventually and i lived my whole next school year in complete denial. unfortunately i had a casual fling with a new guy who i thought was very nice, but he was graduating college and (i am a year younger than him) said he didn't want a relationship. i was about to disclose to him when i decided he wasn't worth it. why does he have to know if he is not my boyfriend nor wants to be a big part of my life?! i have allowed myself to be at risk of getting other stds by giving oral (NOT receiving it and no sex) thinking i was being safe i realized i had lost all self respect. although i kept my rule of no sex without a relationship i was still FWB with a guy who didn't treat me how i should have been. I kept hooking up thinking I'm fine no outbreaks "i don't have this, i can still date" mentality when i realized I'm not fine and i do have to change the way i date. in the middle of seeing him i met a new guy who i ACTUALLY connected with for the first time in college. he was amazing, but unfortunately he was connected with my giver and his good friend. i don't think he found out because my giver is a super huge coward and wouldn't want to reveal himself but the new guy soon stopped seeing me when he realized he wasn't going to get "ass" from me. All that did was bring on pain and anger i had at my giver because he harassed me using him. When i realized that was over i am now alone again and stuck in a lull thinking will i be alone for years?! i am just very sad and similar to you, i fear that this will be an issue for our generation boys. I just wanted to vent back to you, you are not alone and thought id share my side too.

I know exactly how you feel. For the past year which was my first year with herpes I put myself in denial and had a couple casual flIngs. No sex, just a few things I still shouldn't have done. I convinced myself I can act the same as I have before and this time just not let any guy perform oral sex on me and he'll be fine and not disclose. But after a while, I felt worse about myself and realized I was only protecting them not me and by me going down on him I still could catch something more! I have now been doing what you are, stopping trying to like guys and although I have no prospects right now, it will only last so long. It's hard when all your friends are in relationships and you aren't and know deep down its that much harder for you to find a good accepting guy. Every time I meet a guy I imagine myself disclosing and picture how they'd respond based on their personality and if I go oh no way then I can tell they prob are no good for me. What do you find helpful at all?

If anyone doesn't know about the show, "Savage U" on MTV it is very fun to watch. A man and woman who are sex advice experts go around to different universities and meet with a random bunch of college students to talk about sex and relationship issues. This episode: 5, discusses herpes as the host and hostess chat with a college girl struggling with having it and how to date. It is very interesting since I felt I directly related with her. Anyone on this site should watch it because it is so nice to see someone FINALLY talk about herpes PUBLICLY. http://www.mtv.com/videos/savage-u-episode-5/1684029/playlist.jhtml

melly, maybe we can connect as buddies through this site and talk one on one. I am 20, got type one but genital herpes when i was 19 and a half... (so just a year ago) we are same age, same kind of story. my giver refuses that it was him and my gyno told me it was 99% him that gave it to me (thru oral sex most likely) and i am still angry and shameful to this day. Today is the one year anniversary of when i found out i was positive. It is extremely hard and it does get easier on certain days, and then certain days it so hard because no one understands. its not something you can talk about with people to really gain support or understanding because our society shuns out people with stds, and doesnt want to talk about it publicly. I know what you are going through and you are not alone. i feel alone too, i have always been a relationship oriented person and have been living in denial this year because i have been giving in to casual flings. I know i cannot have those because i am always trying to protect the other person without disclosing but i am not fully protection myself from getting another std. i feel like what could be worse now, so who cares i can still date. but i am realizing no, i can't. it is not that easy and i can't be in denial of doing what i used to do. my life is different now it has changed and i can see it for the better and focus on myself but i know it is hard when all my friends have boyfriends but me and deep down i know that mine can (seemingly) be more sucept to being ruined. but i know that is not true also. and we need to stay strong. we can get through this if we just keep moving forward and remembering who we were before we got herpes. because we are still that person and each day we have the opportunity to learn lessons and improve ourselves. lets focus on what we CAN change about ourselves because unfortunately there is no cure for herpes yet. BUT, we need to see that there is positive out of this and maybe when we are older we will see it. it is not how many people we sleep with or give oral to, its THE PEOPLE WE CHOOSE, and WE WERE UNLUCKY.

i am not sure the type you have but i have type one and it was (not to be negative) the worst experience of my life. At the time i was 19 (now 20) and it was literally 2 days after engaging in oral sex. I first got a really bad yeast infection and took monistat which did not help and when i noticed the next morning, bumps around my areas i knew deep down what it must be but didn't want to face it so i assumed oh it must be an allergic reaction to the monistat cream. I went to an urgent care because i was in excruciating pain where i was able to have open lesions to be tested as cultures. A couple days later they called me telling me i was positive for HSV type one. I was devastated but had a feeling that was it. I couldn't walk, sit, stand, pee, anything. It was the worst pain i have ever endured and i remember crying (wailing) in the bathroom alone. I couldn't tell anyone at that time (roommates and friends around me) so they all thought wow that is a bad yeast infection since i avoided going out to party. I am only telling detail because you are not alone! everyones outbreaks are different but that was my unfortunate initial outbreak and luckily its been a year since and i have only had a mini scare. Stay healthy like lelani said, i also do drink alkaline water, my mom yells at me when it is not in my house! haha :) but i try to stay as healthy as i can, its hard when i already had a gluten allergy :( i hope things continue to get better for you we are all struggling with this but we are all strong too!!

I loved reading this! It made me smile the whole way through and even laugh out loud with how much i agree with it. I have not been lucky enough yet to be able to get to the point of meeting someone i even think is worth disclosing to, but i do know when that time comes i will do it with confidence and security. i love myself for who i am and know there is SOMEONE out there that will as well. The re-living the shame is the worst part and that has happened to me just now with something negative that has happened in the past week, but i am strong and i am still living and happy. I still have my supportive friends and family and what else do i need?!! :)

Thank you all for your feedback. I definitely want to confront her, but at the same time I know she will deny it and I could choose to just not tell her as personal things about myself anymore and avoid the confrontation. I already feel myself dreading talking to her so I may not. Luckily, I go to school in a different state across the country from my hometown and those rumors there do not affect me directly since I have all different friends and live elsewhere. However, it still affected me and I wish I could just say yeah I do have it, and...?? but at the same time, others, if they knew, would avoid me and my biggest fear would be people especially prospective partners simply never wanting to meet me due to a rumor. I believe it is my job to disclose to who i want when i want and the times i hear about it getting out without my control really hurts me and gets to me that most i feel extremely violated.

i got herpes one year ago and the first person before my mom that i told was my best friend. she has been there for me and i knew she would act supportive and not judge. She still lives at home and i go to college out of state. Just tonight, my ex boyfriend talked to me on Facebook and asked me a question. he said, "do you have herpes?" i told him no because that isn't obviously his business and i dated him LONG before i got herpes from a guy in college that i was casual with (not intercourse) so it is not something he needs to know. He said he heard a rumor and had to find out from me if it was true or not. I understand his concern because me and him did have sex now (three whole years ago)... the only person that knows in my hometown besides my mom and sister is my best friend and i know it must have been her spreading a rumor. why would she do that? how do i confront her? has anyone had this problem now my ex boyfriend from 3 years ago finding out?!!?! i am worried this is getting around about me and it is not fair and no ones business i am trying to grow from herpes and each day i feel it follows me around everywhere i go...

"but also because I think that that would just bring me right back to a place where I've worked so hard to get out of.I am an awesome person and I AM NOT THIS DISEASE! AHHH!!" both of those quotes you said are exact words that have come out of my mouth. I, myself am going on one year since finding out I have this. I can relate with what you are saying and want you to know you are certainly not alone in this. Recently, I was in a huge bind just as you are and was considering disclosing to this new guy I was seeing. I even attended an in-person support group and gained insight on how from a one on one meeting with the person in charge of the group meeting. I felt confident, but when It came time to disclose, I realized (in my situation I am in college and he is graduating this spring and I still have another year) he made it clear we were not going to be in an official relationship, and obviously that meant no sex because i only do in relationships and now since I have lovely herpes I can't until i disclose. Anyway, to make this long story short i realized we were not going to become very intimate past being lelani's term: "creative." I knew deep down he was a good guy but that he didn't deserve to know something about me so personal if he was not going to date me or be in a long-term relationship. I agree with you about that, and it seems you have found someone very special and that i believe it will happen naturally. Take your time in getting to know each other, if he is a good man he will allow you that time without pressuring or making you feel like you need to hook up or have sex. When that time comes, disclose with confidence, make him see how NOT BAD this really is and that you are fine with it and with who you are. Us herpes people can benefit from this "crisis" and take a positive view about he disclosure. My biggest fear is yours and same as most, REJECTION; especially that it will bring me back to my original depression of not being good enough like i USED to be, and back to where i started undoing all of my strengthening of my self-esteem. However, if this is the case, we gave it our all, tried and that is all that matters! be yourself, take your time, and if your intuition and gut are telling you it is the right time and this is a good guy to trust, then do so! :) good luck!! i am curious to know how your disclosure goes !

Thank you so much lelani. I wanted to add in that I do not have hard evidence or proof that my giver disclosed me to this guy. I wish i knew for sure, but that is part of my no closure. The guy said to me "i don't dig hairy vagina, i gotta go."- on text. and then followed with I'm not the bad guy here even though you won't agree with me. (not sure what that all means. (sorry for the vividness) but that is what he said so i don't know if that was to be taken literally or not. Also, as of today, he deleted me on Facebook whereas my giver did not/never has so that makes me think him leaving me is not related with my giver and he may not know and maybe is just a douche. Whatever the reason was, his loss, and you are right there are other problems out there. I need to get over the thought that I am a total package and great catch but have herpes. I do not like that part, but i cannot change it and i think my thoughts about it will not completely diminish until i meet a guy who accepts me for it and is serious with me where i have the chance to disclose the way i want to. Until then i am going back to focusing on myself, my health, and my purpose in life and my college work. I already loved myself before herpes but i need to get back to that place and as of now have not much interest in a man. :( I hope i get there soon, no one understands because dating is already hard and then with herpes in the back of my mind at all times makes casual flings even more complicated than they already are. I just like ranting on here especially because i missed the last phone session. Thank you all for always responding and listening i love checking this site daily and helping everyone else too!