Bluessinger

@Guy84 yeah, but it’s terrible for freelancers, which is what I am. I can’t even get insurance through them. They’re basically useless and people are constantly complaining about how useless they are. Suuucks

@Ruiner I prefer Rage Against the Machine over Metallica personally, but I appreciate your kind words. It’s not your fault, and I promise that in a few months, you’re gonna start feeling like yourself again, you’re gonna date, things are gonna get a lot better. The first month or so really sucks. But then you start to get back into a somewhat normal life, and there will even be days you don’t think about it!

Hi! I'm looking for someone in the NYC area to have a coffee or some drinks and talk about having this stupid virus with. Would prefer this person to be female and around my age (early 30s). Please feel free to send me a pm!

@FatalSorrow I'm sorry you're going through the emotional issues you're dealing with. You're definitely not alone. It's been about two years for me, and I still feel dirty and like I did something wrong a lot of the time. I think the psychological issues are more severe for women sometimes, but I'm sure that's just how I'm feeling at the moment. I guess the point that I'm trying to make is that there WILL be a time when you don't feel this horrible every day. There will be days you don't even think about it, eventually. And there will be plenty of women out there who will be happy to be with you and won't give a shit about it. My initial ob with GHSV-II happened when my husband and I were separated and I got it from someone else I had slept with. I also felt like I was in a nightmare I couldn't escape from, like it was just some kind of bad dream. But even now, I think I've learned a lot from having this disease. It's made me stronger in a lot of ways. I think you'll come out of this stronger too.

Before I started typing this, I took a deep breath, and I sighed. My herpes story is, at best, complicated. I found out I had genital herpes (HSV-II) a few days after my 30th birthday. At the time, my husband and I were separated, and had been for about a month. I had cheated on him multiple times, and felt so guilty about it that I had told him. To really understand this story, I have to take you back through some history. My husband and I met when I was 21 at a college party. We were instantly smitten. I think it was the first time both of us were truly in love, our first serious relationship, and it was definitely the first time I was in love with someone who was in love with me. Our relationship was great for such a long time. Really, almost no issues. We got married when we were 26/27. It was my first year as a resident artist in a prestigious music program at one of the top companies in the US. I'm a professional opera singer. Yes, it's cool. It's classy. Sometimes it's wonderful. But the reality of being an artist in 2017 means an eternal struggle. Not enough jobs, a horribly political business that favors who you know and what you look like over actual talent a lot of the time, and a lot of rejection and disappointment. It is an extremely hard life. Months on the road, away from your family and friends, not a lot of freedom to do the things you might want. It's the life I chose, but truly, had I known how hard it was going to be, I'm not sure I would make the same choices again. But, I'm still working. I'm still out there, even though I struggle to find work like everyone else. If you don't know what you're going to need from a long term partner when you're 21, then you sure as hell don't know what you need from a partner when you're 21 and going to have a career in an extremely volatile market. I had no clue the kind of emotional support I was going to need from my husband. It's something we still fight about. I'll be sad or upset about something, and he won't notice, and I'll stuff it down until it erupts into a huge argument, usually at an inappropriate time and locale, like my brother's wedding or a fancy industry party. I'm a master compartmentalizer. I am extremely good at stuffing things down and carrying on, for a number of reasons, but mostly from having depression and anxiety, kind of a shitty childhood and tumultuous family life. I pretended like everything was fine in my marriage, and when I was massively depressed after leaving my residency, just to find that there were no jobs out there for me unless I spent all of my time emailing, hustling, flying back and forth to audition, spending all of my money, and basically doing everything for an art form that wasn't loving me back. And when I would weep and struggle with the overwhelming amount of rejection, my husband would pat me on the back and say nothing. He didn't know how to comfort me. Sometimes he still doesn't. So, cut back to the beginning of the story. Around the time I got infected, I had a handful of one night stands (and one two night). I don't actually know who gave me herpes. The person it is most likely to be, I actually still have feelings for, which is sort of embarrassing, but I don't think it's uncommon. But truthfully, I don't know who it was, and I never did my due diligence and notified the three men who I could have possibly infected. I was and still am terrified that if I do, they'll somehow ruin my career or slam me on social media. For an opera singer who hasn't reached Placido Domingo status, herpes would be a career ender. I'm already an overweight girl with mental health issues, so self-loathing is most definitely in my wheelhouse. I think my biggest obstacle with herpes has been trying not to hate myself too much. I think a lot of that comes from trying to explore my sexuality and "date" a few different guys, and then WHAM! Herpes. Sort of felt like instant karma. And because I don't feel safe disclosing, I have this MASSIVE guilt that hangs over me like a little cloud. Only one of my friends, my husband, and my mom know. Right now, I'm having my second outbreak, almost two and a half years after my first. The depression, the guilt, the sadness, and the feeling of isolation are all back in full force, and I find myself trying to remember how I got through this all the first time. The logical part of my brain knows that what it really breaks down to is that herpes is an annoying skin rash that shows up every once and awhile and then goes away. The logical part of my brain knows that it's a stupid virus that doesn't dictate my worth and shouldn't make me feel like the biggest piece of shit on the planet. I know that I'm allowed to live my life the way I want and that I am an empowered woman who can do anything I set my mind to, and that I have accomplished much since my diagnosis. I know that I overcame the most intense depression and anxiety I have ever felt, and that I should be proud of what I've overcome. But it's still really hard. Sending love to all of you who are fighting this battle, too. It's not easy, and I know that I've had it so much better than some of you who have struggled with constant outbreaks since you were teens. I have so much respect for you. I am incredibly grateful for this forum and the information and support I found two years ago when I joined. Thank you.

@blessedheart89 Your initial ob sounds a lot like mine, thought I had an allergic reaction to Monistat, but nope. I was lucky I had a nice doctor who was really on the ball and knew right away. I struggled a lot initially and was very depressed. I actually had slept with a few guys, after YEARS of only being with my husband (separated) and I felt like it was punishment for enjoying sex for the first time in a long time. I'm a singer, and for a couple of weeks I had a really hard time with my confidence and feeling like I was worthy of attention from anyone, let alone the opposite gender. Singing made me sad. It was a nightmare. I also felt like I couldn't tell anyone. I don't personally have any experience with military folk, but I can imagine that it must be incredibly difficult for you, and I'm so sorry. I told a friend who lives far away first, and I recommend that--someone you don't have to see at work. You are worthy of love, I promise. @2Legit2Quit was awesome and answered so many questions for me, and she's SO right, it does get better.. This site is amazing. One in five... That's a lot of people out there with this. You aren't alone. And you'll be stronger for it in the long run.

@JJJ2015 From what I understand, yes, the initial outbreak is the worst. I had to sing an audition four days after being diagnosed, and it was hell, so I understand the trouble at work. Someone on here said a good way to play it off is to say you have sciatic nerve pain. I'm now a few weeks away from my first ob, and I'm starting to finally feel like myself again. The nice thing about H is that it proves to you that you can get through anything, because that first ob is hell. We are warriors. Message me if you need anything.

It is so comforting and informative to have this community. I'm in Germany now, and except for some tingling and itchiness it appears to be in check. I have a round of Acyclovir in case it pops up. I feel somewhat in control. The moodiness and depression are much better as well, I'm thinking maybe all the antibiotics I was on were not helping. Thanks again for the support, it's so appreciated!!!

@TryingtoReach_Peace I'm so sorry that this person is trying to blame you in this situation. Please do not feel bad in the slightest or like it's your fault. Big hugs. That is unfair and untrue.

@TryingtoReach_Peace I have no business dispensing advice, as I am newly diagnosed myself. But I do know that you will feel better! Get the meds ASAP, that will help, and of course you can have kids! It's such a scary time, and the whole world seems like it's been turned upside down but you will feel better physically and mentally. It's a bit of a roller coaster emotionally, but after a week I'm finally feeling a little better. Most people who have herpes don't know they have it. But it's okay to be angry. Lots of love and healing to you.

Glad I read this post, and feel much less alone. The mornings are the worst!!! So much anxiety. @KButterfly I send you the biggest of hugs, even though I know when I feel that way, nothing can console me.

@2Legit2Quit @StillMeButWiser @WCSDancer2010 Thank you all so much!!! Is some itchiness at the end of the first OB normal? Also having a wee bit of random pelvic pain. Since my first OB is pretty much all gone (one teeny lesion left that stings a tiny bit but is almost gone) I'm hoping I'll be okay to travel, but I had to wear spanx yesterday and it was AWFUL. So, goodbye form-fitting dresses. Would it be unusual to have another OB within the first month of the first one? My doc says yes, but I know herpes doesn't play by anyone's rules. I have a round of Acyclovir in case it crops up overseas. And in any case, will I really know if I'm getting another outbreak, or will it just feel like the first one is continuing on and on? So many questions that I fear have no good answers, but any advice is helpful.

This is so hard, but I feel like if I put it down in writing, it might help. It's been a week since my initial diagnosis (confirmed by my doctor a few days ago). While my initial ob is pretty much over, I'm still dealing with a lot of depression and anxiety about the fact that I'm going to have genital herpes for the rest of my life. I'm fairly certain I contracted H while separated from my husband, whom I've now reconciled with. The guilt is overwhelming. I still very much feel like it's my fault, and that it's some punishment from on high (thanks, Lutheran school guilt) for being promiscuous. Add this to my own general sense of self-loathing (I'm a singing actress, self-loathing is our favorite), and it's like I'm on a roller coaster of emotions. I'm also on Doxycycline, Acyclovir, and Flagyl, and I truly feel like whenever I take them, my anxiety goes crazy. Anyone had this happen to them? Worst of all, I'm leaving to travel to Germany for 3 &1/2 weeks on Tuesday, and the thought of being alone with my own thoughts for that amount of time is daunting. I'll be seeing friends and colleagues, but probably on my own a lot as well. I guess it's a good time for some soul searching, but it's just scary. If anyone can recommend some good books for emotional healing, tips on keeping anxiety at bay (deep breathing, okay, but some mantras or something positive to focus on would be helpful), just any advice on dealing with the mental portion of getting through the first month of knowing...all this would be appreciated. For the record, I don't know what I would have done without this site this last week. I am so IMMENSELY grateful for the support and advice I've gotten on here. THANK YOU!!!

Thanks all. I've told my best friends and family. Truthfully, I'm the only one who's freaking out. Everyone else seems to be fine and super supportive.

I've been so depressed these last few days and I'm dying to reach out to my friends, but I don't know. Anyone with experience on who I should tell/not tell? So far, my husband is the only one that knows, and I really feel alone and terrified still even though he's very much here for me in every way. Thinking about telling a very close friend who lives far enough away and is a third year medical student at UCSF. I figure she'll be more understanding and less judgmental since she'll know exactly how common it is. Thoughts?

@WCSDancer2010 THANK YOU!!!!! I think I'm about halfway through the worst of it, some of the sores are trying to heal! Trying being the operative word. The excruciating pain when urinating is by far the worst part of the whole thing. I'm praying I only have a little bit more of that to go? Been killing me for a couple of days now, just mind-numbing, searing pain. Bactine helps after but good lord... I'm going to Germany in nine days. This is so fucking scary to me, pardon my language. Not going is not an option. I will have to wear spanx. Should I be this terrified? What if it gets worse when I leave and I have to deal with it over there? I mean, I know the Germans have amazing health care, but I'm still just terrified.

@kay928 I so sympathize with you, feeling like it's my fault, daddy issues, too drunk to use a damn condom...the whole nine yards. The thing is, you can use condoms religiously and still get this asshole of a disease. It's just bad luck for us. And keep in mind that 1 in 5 people have this. I know it probably doesn't feel that way in your small town. Anyway, I cried for at least a straight hour today, so I'm right there with you in spirit. I'm at work now, and in the middle (I think, I hope!!) of a mean initial OB. But for some reason it's helping to resume normal-ish life. We are still beautiful, smart women. I just have to keep repeating that to myself. The grief and anger comes in waves, but what I do know is that I will not let this define me or my happiness.

I'm so sorry you feel alone. Don't. I just found out as well and I basically feel the same way you do right now.

Hi, 30 y/o F. Went to urgent care yesterday because I thought I had the worst yeast infection ever. Was so lucky to have the kindest doctor give me a Herpes diagnosis--honestly, it was the only good part of this whole experience, she was so kind, told me it wasn't my fault, these things happen, it doesn't make me dirty, so incredibly kind of her. It was only a visual diagnosis, but as it has progressed, it's very clear to me that's exactly what it is. The blistering today is particularly telling. Of course I'll go to my gp ASAP and get a blood test, but the doctor put me on Zovirax (Acyclovir), Flagyl, and Doxycycline. My outbreak is particularly bad, I think, based on what I've read and my pain level. Threw up this morning, not sure why. Hoping all the meds made it somewhat into my system. I'm also on Norco, trying to take it as little as possible but finding it difficult because every time I use the bathroom or shower, the pain is so incredibly excruciating. I would love to know from those with a similarly severe first outbreak what kind of healing timeline I'm looking at. I'm hoping that since I've been on Zovirax since day 4 of first sign of symptoms that maybe it'll help speed up the healing process. (Not sure if that even is a possibility, but trying to remain positive...) Basically, I'd just like to know when I can be up on my feet again. I know it's TMI, but some sores are trying to heal but the rest are pretty gross still. Those shooting pains, too!! It's just incredibly awful and all I want to do is wear a pair of underwear or have a trip to the bathroom without excruciating pain. More tmi: I'm expecting my period. Please if anyone has any experience with that coupled with an initial outbreak, please message me. I'm terrified. Just wish I knew more what to expect and when. I know every case is different, but any information would be helpful. I really just want to be off bed rest. Somehow, emotionally I seem to be doing okay, but it's hard. I'm married though, I'm lucky I have his support, even though we're both pretty much in shock still. I feel so awful though, especially since I'm fairly certain I (unknowingly) exposed him. Trying to stay positive. 1 in 5 people, right? And hey, I'll be caught up on EVERYTHING on Netflix. In all seriousness, I am truly miserable. Hope I can look forward to some relief soon, even though I know the emotional journey is just beginning. Thanks in advance for any help.