I am devastated.
I was recently diagnosed as HSV2+ with an IgG >5.
I have been dating a man for almost six months and decided to get a full STD panel for peace of mind. I had an HIV test last year, but I guess because I've never had a single symptom, I was never tested for HSV. I am not sure if he has ever been tested for HSV, so I suppose it's possible he has it, but I just have this gut feeling that I got it from my ex of ten years who cheated on me numerous times.
Because HSV has been a non-issue for me, healthwise (assuming I've had it for awhile) I am not so upset about the diagnosis itself as I am about the fact that this man may decide he can't handle the risk and will leave me. I am also terrified at the thought of infecting him. I do not doubt that he loves me, but he's sort of...anxious when it comes to illnesses. I can see this affecting him in a way that makes his life miserable - constantly worrying about being infected, even if he doesn't want to be worried. I don't want to do that to him.
While I've seen him since I got my diagnosis, I haven't had the opportunity to tell him (one night his mom was in town, the next night he was on his way to a party with friends), but we haven't been sexually active since I learned. I want to give him that choice. I know that there is already a good risk of infection given that we were very, very active with each other since March, often without protection as we'd both been HIV tested and never had any HSV symptoms.
FWIW, we are both "older", as in late 30s, early 40s, and we both did our share of sowing wild oats in our younger years. I'm hopeful that the fact that we've talked about our relationship being long-term and serious (as in marriage level serious) prior to this diagnosis will mean he's willing to stick around, but I am bracing myself to have my heart broken. It will be a heartbreak of epic proportions for me, and it will take me a long time to get over if it comes to that - but I can't change anything. I can't make him take that risk. I'd rather he move on now than stay with me out of pity or obligation if he's going to be afraid to touch me or constantly worried and break my heart further down the road.
I don't feel like a different person today. I feel scared, and lonely, and worried about my future prospects, but I'm grateful I don't have a more complicated or life-threatening illness. I'm grateful there is a community of people to turn to who know what I am feeling. I'm grateful I'm alive, and that I have friends. I'm trying to sort through all of this, and believe me I am breaking down in tears about once every thirty minutes, but I can see a light out there somewhere.