Elise1977

@Anna01 Sorry, I was not referring to you! To the OP, I have no problem with casual sex. I am not shaming free love. I did my share of experimenting when I was younger, but I didn't talk about men or their health so flippantly, and I certainly didn't think of them as mere tools/collateral in my pursuit of an orgasm. There are things that can happen from sex that are much more significant than herpes. One would think that the fact that you contracted an STD would assist in maturing your viewpoint on the matter. You have created a lot of noise on this board the last few days, and I think that you probably enjoy that.

You seem to have a really cavalier attitude about sex and people in general. I sincerely hope that herpes is the worst of the repercussions that results from your attitude.

Ugh. I so hate taking meds. It really bothers me, but it's a concession I'm willing to make for him. I am praying they find something in the next decade that will permanently suppress this so I don't have to keep taking a pill! Thank goodness for health insurance.

I have never had an outbreak of any kind. Ever. I can only assume I have had the virus for awhile based on my IgG. I am very aware of my lady parts.

I just wanted to update my story: everything is going so wonderfully with my boyfriend. I really think this is heading to a happily ever after. Herpes has taken a backburner, and has not been brought up again. Our sex life has not been affected at all. I am on suppressive therapy, and we don't use condoms. It seems that as soon as I let my fears go, his went away, too. I still worry about infecting him, mostly about the rare chance of transmitting orally. I must be odd, but I would so much rather have genital herpes than oral herpes. Anyway, I know my situation is a little bit different than others in that we already had a relationship prior to me finding out, and prior to having to disclose, but in some ways that made it so much harder. I already had established feelings for him and the idea of losing him and/or infecting him was so incredibly painful and scary. I hope this helps someone who is going through a similar situation feel like there is still hope, and that there are people who will love you through sickness and health. :)

So, I've been taking generic valtrex for about three weeks now. I am taking it because while I know I am HSV2+, the significant other hasn't been tested yet. I'm not badgering him about getting tested, yet. Before I tested positive, I had no idea I had herpes. I have never had an outbreak, and my IgG was over 12, so obviously not a new infection. My body has done a good job on its own of suppressing the virus. The only reason I am on suppressive therapy is to give him some peace of mind and to reduce the risk of transmission. BUT - I am wondering if I am inhibiting my body's ability to fight the virus on its own? Once you have the antibodies, does taking Valtrex affect how you are able to fight it off, if for some reason I stop taking it somewhere down the line? I have googled up a storm but can't really find anything that gives conclusive evidence. If you have been on suppressive therapy and stopped, did you have more outbreaks after stopping?

Hey, I speak Spanish, if he needs to talk to someone who understands Spanish, I'm willing to chat with him on here. Also, I am someone who had NO symptoms. None. And my IgG was over 12 when I was tested on my request because I had started a new relationship and was convinced I'd be clear, just wanted to be able to say to my boyfriend "Look! I'm clear!" I understand the guilty feelings. My boyfriend and I had sex for months before I thought to be tested, and now I worry I infected him. But, there's nothing I can do. I didn't know. And from my reading, it seems its even more common for men not to have symptoms, or for them to be so mild they barely notice.

Honestly, the reason to disclose is because otherwise you're a dick. I'm sorry, that's just the way it is. Now, maybe you don't care about being a dick. Maybe you even get off on it, who knows. When I was younger, I knew plenty of young men that really didn't give a shit about anyone or anything as long as they were having a good time. There doesn't need to be a comparison to any other disease or situation, there doesn't need to be some big ethical debate about why HSV1 and not HSV2, or about whose responsibility it is. You disclose because it's the right thing to do, not because of what others are or aren't doing. You have a lifelong communicable disease that you know you can pass on to someone. You disclose. End of story. The world will not end if you don't get to screw a million different girls a year. It just won't. That said, people do the wrong thing all the time, and it makes them dicks, too. If you have no problem knowing that you're being that selfish for something as banal as banging random girls at bars, then by all means, but I imagine it will weigh on you someday, and very likely bite you in the ass when one of those random girls is the *one* and you've already screwed yourself over by not disclosing when you should have.

I understand his point, but I think it's easy for him to say right now that if the situation was reversed he would act in a particular way. You might never know where you got it. Has he offered to be tested? He could have had it for years and been asymptomatic (apparently men are more likely to have mild/unnoticeable symptoms). All you can do is apologize for losing your cool. If he continues to be super defensive about it, it may mean he knows (or suspects) he's H+ and is using it as a way to deflect attention from the fact that he didn't disclose.

So, I've been taking 500mg every morning for suppression therapy for a week or so, and I feel SO dehydrated. Is this a side effect anyone else has encountered? My eyes are dry, my lips are dry, my body feels like the moisture has been sucked right out of it. It didn't show up on the list of common side effects, but it's pretty bad! I feel like a sucked orange.

Well, I am not married, but I disclosed to my boyfriend after I was tested (routine by my request) for HSV six months into our relationship. It has been just over a week since disclosure, and after my initial hysteria/freak out, everything is moving along swimmingly. We talked a lot over the weekend about moving in together, and making it "legal" some day. I'm confident at this point that if our relationship ends, it will not be because of H. Look, we are all "accepted" for something. No one is perfect. Every single person will have something that a partner will have to come to terms with - whether it's something as unimportant but annoying as always leaving dirty socks on the floor, to something huge like having cancer, or extended unemployment - things that really do change your life. Relationships end for reasons all the time. H might add an initial hurdle, probably a lot because of the toll it seems to take on self-confidence, but there are people out there who are willing to look past it, as long as YOU are. If you convince yourself that you are unlovable, and that this virus is the cause, then you're going to struggle. Love yourself, first. The rest will follow. It will.

It's been a week since I disclosed. Our relationship is better than ever. He seems to have come to peace with the risks and I have no doubt that he loves me, for me. I'm head over heels for the guy. I was in such a dark place last Sunday. I thought I was going to lose the man I love over something I can't control. I was resigned. But, he's still at my side. If we can get through that, I trust we can get through most anything.

Thank you! This site definitely helped me see everything from a different perspective. What I realized this morning is that he wasn't reacting to the diagnosis, he was reacting to me and the way I was dealing with it. I think a lot of men don't know how to deal with women in crisis because they want to fix the unfixable. I think he was scared I was going to be a miserable, hysterical woman who pushed him away and couldn't be happy again. He sent me a message this morning saying how he was glad I was back to my old self. So, my plan for the future is to leave the discussions behind. If he wants to talk about it further, I will happily do so, but I'm going to stop apologizing for putting him behind the 8 ball, and stop talking about herpes. I am a different person than I was a week ago, but I think I am a better person. More driven to be healthy, be successful, be kind and non judgmental.

I admit, I'm probably less mad because I'm older. I've gotten to a place in my life where I realize shit happens and you have no choice but to roll with the punches sometimes. I think you have every right to be angry. I had one full night of being seething mad, then realized it was useless. I'd guess that if your friends all went out and got tested, many of them would have it, too. The thing is most of them probably won't want to get tested because it's easier to live in denial, especially with mild or no symptoms. Sometimes I wish I hadn't gotten tested because I've got no symptoms and it definitely added stress to my relationship. I know it's hard to see it this way, but having herpes may save you from even worse/scarier things like HIV, unplanned pregnancy, and the emotional baggage that goes along with having multiple partners that don't actually care about you at all. But, we are also being positive because we are cheering you on! I'm sure we all have our moments of thinking that this really sucks, but dwelling on it too long is not productive. You will find love. You will have sex. It just may not be with random dude at a party - which, probably wouldn't result in anything good anyway. So be angry or sad when you need to, but don't let it control you. It is a skin rash. If it was on your foot, no one would blink. But because we have such moralistic views on sex, a sex rash is somehow more bad. It makes no sense!

I just found out yesterday my ex got married! Talk about a shock. I'm sure he didn't disclose to her and she'll probably end up paying the price for his lying eventually. Poor girl.

That's probably not a terrible idea. We actually had a fantastic night. I was resolved not to talk about H, just to work on remembering why we get on so well, and why we love each other to begin with. We went out to dinner, back to his house to watch football and snuggle, and one thing led to another...and it was a big turning point I think. He told me he wanted to, and I said I'd leave it up to him, that I was willing to do other things to be intimate until he decided he was ready. But we did the things grown ups do, and didn't discuss herpes. I think the fact that I was so dramatic about it the last few days didn't help. The more I've come to realize it's just a skin rash, and that there are risks everywhere, the less I've felt bad/guilty about my diagnosis. I never really felt bad about herpes, I felt bad about putting him through a hard decision. I feel like he made it tonight, and I'm so grateful. I hope we continue to grow and have meaningful time together, both sexual and not. I did talk to my doctor today, and she was very positive about discordant relationships. She was more than willing to advocate for smart sex and suppressive therapy and to help me put him at ease. I'm feeling positive. I'm feeling loved.

I'm going to talk with my doctor first and ask her about the things we've discussed. If she seems properly educated, then we will go to her. She is the doctor who prescribed suppressive therapy for me as a way to reduce risk of transmission, so she seems somewhat knowledgeable. She's a gyn at a women's clinic, and she was pretty laissez faire about the diagnosis (as in she didn't make it a big, scary deal for me and seemed to think there was no reason I couldn't continue on in my relationship). I know we like to tell ourselves that if someone truly loves us, they'll take the risk, but I fully believe it's possible for someone to love you and just not be able to eliminate the anxiety of contracting something that is permanent. Especially if you've had a marriage that ended, you are skeptical of believing that things last forever. I felt the same way about relationships given my poor track record with men. It just sucks that I was finally ready to let my walls down and really love someone deeply and then get hit with this. I have a lot of respect for him being thoughtful about the process and not just dismissing it as no big deal. It is a big deal, and because I know his heart, I know that if he takes the risk it's because he sees me as his future. I think the best route is to help him understand that as a single man dating single women in their mid to late 30s, there's a super big risk of someone he meets having this and not knowing. Yes, you can ostensibly ask everyone to get a full std panel before engaging in sexual activity and make them show it to you. I know I will if this doesn't work out. If he's negative and decides to move on, I hope he will as well, mostly to save himself the heartache I know he's feeling today. But even then, you can't protect yourself if someone is dishonest and cheats. That can happen to anyone, and when it does, it rocks your world to the core.

Ugh. Well, tonight didn't go as well. I know he really wants to be ok with it, but he is scared. He wants to go to the doctor with me and ask questions about what's safe. I've given him the basic information, but I think as long as the fear of contracting it rules, he won't be able to deal with this long term. I know he loves me. I know he hurts for me. I know he is scared of losing me, but herpes might scare him more. We will go together, and try to see if there's a way he can ever be comfortable with this. I have to be careful not to push him away in an attempt to begin to protect my heart. He said if he has it, then it doesn't matter. But that to me leaves open the possibility that if he doesn't that he will bolt. I know I need to give him space and time to come to grips, but it's really hard when it's my heart on the line. I know I can move on and still have a good life. I'd just really miss him.

My guess is that dealing with H has made him a little gunshy about sex. Not that he's afraid of catching something, just that it's probably made sex something bigger than just "getting off". Maybe H has made him feel unsexy. I can totally see how it can kill your libido and hit you hard in the bedroom self-confidence arena. I think it's great that he wants to get to know you better first. See how it goes! Maybe he'll be so overwhelmed with desire that he won't be able to stop himself! But, that said, maybe he's just extra cautious about the other implications of sex - pregnancy, STDs, emotional baggage, etc. Anyway, have fun! Enjoy meeting someone new. Those first few date butterflies cannot be replicated!

It's one of the stages of grief, I guess. Being angry. I definitely think wanting to lash out is normal, it's how we deal with those feelings that matter.

He is a fantastic guy, which is why I hope he never feels like he is settling. I think I will always feel just the tiniest bit like he is. He says I'm still the same person to him, and that while this isn't the greatest news, it's not the end of the world. Obviously, it's not great, but just hearing that something in his life isn't great makes me tear up. :( I really wanted to be great for him. When we were laying in bed and he was holding me, I asked him to think really hard about the risk. Him: "There's a risk, either way." Me: "How so?" Him: "There's a risk if I stay, yes. But there's a bigger risk if I go of never finding another person like you." If we can get past the hurdle of having sex without constant worrying, I think we will be in this for the long-term. I'd marry him tomorrow if he would have me. Mostly because of the person he was before the diagnosis, but it does help to know how much he must really love me to stick around when others might run. I gave him an open door to go, with no hard feelings, and a promise that I'd always be his friend. I begged him not to stay out of pity or obligation. If he wants to go back to a relationship without sex until he's 100 percent confident that I'm his future, I will do that, too. It's odd, but this is the most adult I have ever felt. And I'm 38 years old, and have been married and divorced and had a 10 year live-in relationship. But today, I feel like I've been dealt my first grownup problem. Having to own up to it, having to say it to the person I love, has forced me to grow up and look at life differently.

I told my best friend as soon as I had a day to digest the information. She was super supportive about it. She confided that she has other friends with it, and that she even dated a HSV2+ guy for awhile and saw no problem with it. I think it's more common to know people with it than it is to not. I'm actually shocked I've got no one in my life who has told me (well, except for cold sores, because, you know those aren't embarrassing or stigmatized, apparently). Give your friends the chance to be there for you. Wouldn't you be there for them?

Oh, I would never actually do anything destructive. I was just feeling angry and convinced that people are bad and do bad things to each other and need to pay for being bad (which I was going to fix by being worse!). I'm not a vengeful person in the least, which is probably why I was so frustrated. I want to be mad at whoever gave this to me, but it does me no good. Maybe he didn't know. Maybe he really is just a terrible person. Maybe he was scared. I don't know his reasons, but being mad is just wasted energy for something I can't change. I went through a long, drawn out break-up last year (from Oct-January - he wouldn't leave, I'd found lots of evidence of cheating, and him trying to "make friends" with high school aged girls, even, through facebook. Yes, I reported him. Creep!) I suppose I have a lot of hurt and resentment in my heart, like I felt that I was finally free and ready to live a good life with a good man who loves me...and then this is thrown at me. Ten years of garbage, six months of paradise, now a positive test, and unsure of what the future brings. I feel better this morning. Separating myself as a person from the virus is going to take some time, though.

I know it's illogical, but I am trying very hard to suppress the desire to go out and be destructive and break hearts and cause problems. It's not what I want to do, but I'm feeling vengeful for something I don't even know who to assign blame to. How do I get over these destructive thoughts? I want to make men love me and then leave them broken. Like I am broken. Not to give them the HSV, not to sleep with them, not to cheat on my boyfriend. I just want to feel in control of something, right now when I feel so out of control of me.

Honestly, I don't even think it matters if you are/were a "trashy whore", it doesn't make you more or less deserving of it. I'm learning to understand that this is nothing more than a simple consequence of sex, regardless of if it's in a monogamous relationship or because you slept with a random dude you met at a bar. The good news is that this isn't fatal. Yes, you will have the virus 365 days a year, but it doesn't mean you'll be suffering the physical consequences of it all that time. Since my diagnosis, I've started looking at people I pass in the street and wondering if they have HSV. Some of them obviously do. Some probably have something else that is ten times worse. But they're going through life, living it, because that's all we can do. They look just like me. Like regular people. They do not have a scarlet H above their heads. I have no idea if they've slept with one person, or a 1,000. One thing my boyfriend said after I disclosed last night was: "It could have happened to anyone. I've probably had more promiscuous sex in my life than you have." And he's right. It's just the luck of the draw, girl. We didn't do anything to deserve it. A positive of this diagnosis, as I see it, is that I am more confident this is the last and only STD I will ever get. Not because I'm immune, but because I will now only enter into sexual relationships with someone after getting to know them, and who shows me they've been fully tested. Obviously, someone can cheat, nothing I can do about that, but because of having HSV, I will be so much more careful in the future. I won't put up with cheating anymore, because it is a risk to my health! This time it was HSV, it could have just as easily been HIV. You will be ok, eventually. We both will. We all will.