Elise1977

I think it's odd that your doctor would put you on suppressive therapy in a monogamous relationship where your partner already has HSV1. You can't pass it to him, he already has it. The only reason I can see that would be a logical reason to take suppressive therapy is if you're having a lot of recurrent outbreaks. Otherwise, I wouldn't take it.

Honestly, I'd probably just let him go. You shouldn't have to work so hard to get someone to love and accept you. You've given him the information, and offered to see a doctor together, there's nothing else you can do. I know you see a future with him, but that only works if he also sees one with you. There will be someone out there for you that will not care about the risks, because being with you is just that amazing. Getting typed could be beneficial, as if it's HSV1, it's likely that someone you're dating in the future already has HSV1 oral, and is therefore pretty unlikely to catch it genitally.

I haven't told anyone but my best friends (who helped me through my first few dark days after diagnosis) and my boyfriend. Granted I was diagnosed at 38. My parents don't need to know about my sex life or anything genital related. I wouldn't call my mom up if I had a yeast infection or a UTI, so I've never felt the need to discuss this with her.

We all take risks and make sacrifices in our relationships. My boyfriend takes the risk with me of contracting herpes. I chose to be in a relationship with him, knowing he has a young child and an ex-wife. I love my boyfriend, and I love his son, but it does present complications and there will be sacrifices to be made. It is worth it because of the way I feel about them. A good partner will accept that the risks, complications and sacrifices are a part of caring for someone. Don't let your fear make you feel like you are less than you are!

I think sometimes when we're dealing with self esteem issues, we will push people to the point of forcing them to confirm our fears, even if we lead them to answer a question the way we are sure they must really feel. Somehow it justifies all the things we feel about ourselves and our relationships. Of course getting herpes is a negative, but if he's not using it as a weapon against you, and isn't the one proactively talking about it and how bad it would be, I would definitely just leave the risk discussions alone. That said, if you are talking about it in the way of needing support because of how it is affecting YOU, then I hope he will listen and be supportive. And if YOU want to use a condom because it makes the experience better for you because you feel safer and more relaxed, I would hope he would respect that.

First of all, my feelings on his statement about it being a big negative depend on when he told you and in what way. Was it right after you disclosed? One of the first things my boyfriend said after I disclosed was "Well, this isn't ideal", which of course it isn't, but at the moment, it stung. No one wants to be anything but ideal, especially in a newish relationship with someone you really care for. After thinking about it, though, I realized nothing and no one is ever going to be ideal. So, if he was still in processing mode, I would forgive the statement and take the fact that he's with you and tells you that you're worrying too much as a sign that he's accepting the risk. If he continues to say it, though, or continues to insinuate that he's doing you some big scary favor by sleeping with you, that is borderline abusive to me and I wouldn't tolerate it. I think you need to stop bringing up the risks. He knows the risks. You're psyching yourself out of being able to enjoy the physical aspect of your relationship and I promise it's carrying through into other parts of your relationship.

After I gave my boyfriend the information, I left the door open for communication if he wanted to discuss further, but I didn't push the discussion. I get the anxiety, but if you choose to bring it up again, I would say something to the extent of "I know I gave you a lot of information last week (or whenever), if it's something you'd like to talk about further, I'm ready to talk or answer questions whenever you are." I would not keep bringing it up, though. If you do, it will seem like YOU think it's a big deal, which is more likely to make it a big deal for her.

An update! We have started to look at houses. :) Herpes is a non issue. I am loved. We're almost a year into our relationship, and five months ago I was convinced my diagnosis would end everything. Chin up, folks. There are definitely good people out there that will see you for who you are and love you, even after diagnosis. I've watched other friends struggle with their relationships and go through hurt and heartbreak, and Herpes wasn't even present in their relationships. We will all face battles, if Herpes is the worst I have to face, I will consider myself lucky!

I always like reading posts like this, one because it reminds me that I'm not alone in my fears, but also because it reminds me that there are good people out there that care about whether or not they infect someone. I've been dating my boyfriend for just about ten months now, and disclosed after I was tested four months ago. I worry all the time about passing it to him, but I've learned to control those fears by remembering that he chooses to be with me every day. I have worth that is beyond my diagnosis and he recognizes it. You do, too! Yes, if I pass it on to him, it will suck, and I will be really sad, but there are so many things that can happen in a relationship that are hard - this is a good test as to whether or not he's someone that will stick around when life throws a curve ball. I am asymptomatic, but take suppressive therapy in an attempt to not pass it on to him (mostly, I've gotten forgetful on occasion because HSV is such a non issue for me), but our sex life hasn't changed at all. We don't talk about it. It's just something that we'd have to deal with if it happens.

I would really suggest that you find a friend that you can talk to about it. I think you will be surprised how many people either have it, or know someone close to them that does. I could not have made it through my first week without talking with two of my closest friends. It is a big burden to carry that kind of emotional baggage and not have anyone to help lighten your load.

Wow, just re-reading that thread made me cry. It was such a dark time, and I was so afraid.

I found out I had HSV through routine STD testing. I hadn't had a full panel done in a long time because I had been in what I thought was a 10 year monogamous relationship. When I found out, I had been dating a new guy for just about six months and I was TERRIFIED. I mean, I was convinced he was going to leave me and I would become the butt of some jokes he shared with his friends. I went through (and still sometimes experience) the same feelings of worry about passing it on to him. But, he chose me. He chooses me every day. He chooses me, not in spite of H, but because he loves me and understands that all relationships are full of risk. He could have left me, and gone on to meet a new woman who thinks she is safe (just as I did) and get it, or worse, from her. He could meet someone who ends up with a terrible, incurable disease. Someone with really bad financial issues. Someone who will treat his son poorly. Someone who doesn't love him the way I do. The nicest thing my boyfriend said to me after I'd disclosed and given him a free "out" with no hard feelings was "There's a risk if I stay, but there's a bigger risk if I go of never finding another girl like you." Still brings tears to my eyes. Trust that he is making the choice as an informed adult. Do what you can to prevent transmission. But ultimately, you can't fret too much about the what ifs. Appreciate that he loves you enough that it doesn't matter to him. Here is my disclosure thread, if you are curious: https://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/6961/newly-diagnosed-afraid-to-disclose-to-partner-of-6-months#latest

I still read the forum from time to time, but tend not to post as much as it becomes obsessive for me. I also find the more I read about symptoms, the more phantom symptoms I have. I'm now convinced that ANYONE could start believing they have HSV if they read a forum and hear about how mild some people's symptoms are. It isn't and can't possibly be all H related. Sometimes you just get an itch or a bump or a cut, and it isn't because you have HSV. It's because genitals are hot, moist places where icky things go on. So, for me, it is for my own mental health to not spend too much time here.

I also got really super dry lips, general feeling of dryness and dehydration, and a sunburned feeling. It did get better with time, though. I asked about it not so long ago! https://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/6988/valacyclovir-question#latest

Today, a friend of mine told me that I'd given him a cold sore (I don't get cold sores, he was stating it because I'd air kissed a mutual friend of ours who had a cold sore and then hugged him). This friend knows I have HSV2. I don't think he meant it to sound mocking, but I decided to have a little fun with him, and I reminded him that MY herpes are down south (well, that's my assumption). He kept going on about his "cold sores" and "fever blisters", and I kept responding about his "herpes". I think it bothered him to hear the word herpes in association with himself, but I felt the need to drill home that his herpes are no different than mine, just that he has to wear his on his face, but doesn't have to deal with the stigma. It really is amazing, isn't it? The same thing, but it will never be seen the same.

@bird I'm sorry you are going through the same feelings. It has gotten better since I originally posted this thread a few weeks ago, but it always lingers in the back of my mind. I do get the car analogy, but the thing is there is another option for him - which is to find someone who tests negative for everything. Then his risk is pretty much zero, barring infidelity. You can live a long full life with HIV these days and the risks of transmission from protected sex are almost zero - plus, there's probably a better chance of HIV being cured in our lifetimes than HSV, but would you take the risk? If you had it, would you risk infecting someone? I think it's easy for us, especially those of us with few/no symptoms to say it's "no big deal" or "just a skin irritation", but we can't know how it's going to play out for someone else. We can't predict the emotional or physical toll it might take on them. We can't predict whether they will be shunned by their friends or family (however ignorant that might be). Regardless of whether the stigma is stupid or misplaced, it's there, and because I love him, I worry.

Have you ever been in love? Like real, deep, life changing love? The kind where you'd do anything to keep that person safe and happy? I'm sorry, but having fears of infecting someone you love with something that could cause them pain, whether emotional or physical, does not mean I'm talking about him as a child or that I have some other issue with him or myself. It simply means I don't ever want to hurt the person I hold so dear that I'd take on any burden he might carry just to make his life easier. His acceptance of the risks does not invalidate my fear of them.

Just another update! The boyfriend and I are still going strong. I'm still taking my antivirals. Still no symptoms or outbreaks. The other day I overheard his five year-old son talking to himself in the bathtub, and heard him say that he loves me. My heart melted! I think the fact that the bf is actually increasing the amount of time he wants me to spend with his boy is a pretty good sign that he's dealt with and accepted the reality of what this could mean for him in the long term. I'm a happy girl, living a happy life, with a diagnosis for a virus that I've never had a single physical symptom of. It's weird to know I'm somehow "tainted" in the eyes of so many, yet not have any external signs.

Hi, I'm a 38 year old female diagnosed with HSV2, living in central VA. I'd like to have a someone to talk to that is in a discordant relationship, or a HSV+ male that can help me understand a man's point of view while I am talking to my boyfriend about living with herpes.

Also, I've been thinking very hard about where I maybe got HSV from, and I can remember one situation about 11 years ago where a man I slept with a few times and then wanted nothing to do with because he was actually extremely mentally unstable and frightening left me a voicemail saying I needed to call him because he had something important to tell me. I never called him back because I assumed it was an attempt to manipulate me into talking to him again after I'd told him I wanted to be left alone. But, amazingly, not one of my ex's or casual encounters (who would know how to find me) have called me since to say anything about it. I had a very casual attitude about sex when I was younger, and I'm extremely lucky that this is the only thing that has resulted from it. If I was infected 11 years ago, I wish I would have known because I would have made many different, better decisions.

He hasn't been tested yet this year, but he was tested (or he said he was, and I have no reason not to trust him) last year and was negative. He only slept with one other girl, once, since tested and they used protection. So I think that if he is positive it's almost without a doubt that it came from me. I haven't pushed him to get tested, mostly because he's self employed and doesn't have insurance, but also because I feel like he needs to decide that in his own time.

Thanks ladies. I know it will be ok, I just need the reminder sometimes. Disclosing to him that I had HSV2 was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life, and that includes leaving an abusive marriage and breaking up with an abusive boyfriend of ten years. Those seem like cakewalks now that I've had to tell them person I love that I have something I could have infected him with and didn't even know. I think part of me still is afraid he will leave. I know that's my own creation, because he's given me no indication that he doesn't still love and accept me 100 percent. In fact, he's done just the opposite. Self esteem not at the highest point right now. I've been on prozac before and didn't really care for it. I didn't cry as much but I also never laughed, never sang, never felt joy. I also believe I was only on it because my situation made me sad, not because I was depressed (a perpetually cheating, verbally abusive boyfriend can kind of make life suck!). I want to try to give myself the time to process this before turning to mental health meds, but if I need them, I'm not above taking them. I also feel like a bad person, because I hope that I already gave it to him prior to my diagnosis and that his symptoms are just so minor that we/he didn't even notice. It isn't that I'm afraid of giving him HSV, exactly, I'm afraid of making him hurt/suffer. I'm afraid of the look on his face if he were to see lesions on his penis, or of him feeling what I felt for the week after my diagnosis. It's the hardest part of having herpes, for me. It's so, so hard.

I'm just about a month past my diagnosis, and while I don't think about HSV all the time, I still think about it a lot. I have started imagining symptoms. I've started imagining cold sores coming on and I don't even know if I have HSV1, as I've never had a cold sore or anything even resembling one. I'm downright paranoid. I worry about transmitting to my boyfriend. But mostly, I feel suffocated and constrained. I am a person who has a very hard time with anything that makes me feel stuck. I don't wear jewelry. I don't like small spaces. I don't care for hugs. Having this incurable virus inside me makes me feel crazy sometimes, like I just want it OUT of me. When I think about it never going away, always being there, I get claustrophobic. It's probably a good thing I don't know where my infection site is, because I'd have a hard time not trying to rip it out of my skin (even knowing that would do no good!). The boyfriend and I never talk about it. I take my antivirals, and we have continued to have a regular sex life, with him knowing he is at risk. We still talk about marriage. We still have plans for a future together. But, I can't get over this feeling that I'm going to ruin his life. I know he's a grown up and that he's choosing to take the risk, but it's still so hard for me. I wonder if he's looking at every blemish, every tiny ingrown hair from shaving my legs, every imperfection and thinking I'm disgusting. I feel like maybe checking this website every day makes it worse for me, because I cant let it fade into the background. I guess I don't really have a question, I'm just having a hard herpes day.

I don't think you should worry too much. Oral HSV1 is super common. Just try not to make it a huge deal. The more you stress over it, the more he will.

So, let me understand. You have a new HSV1 genital diagnosis, right? And you're worried about telling him that he gave it to you? Or you're worried he's going to think someone else did? I'm a little confused about what your concern is. I think if you're worried about telling him that you got it from him, just explain that it's common to be asymptomatic and that you don't blame him. He might deal with some guilt, but if you reassure him that you don't feel like it's his fault, I think it will go a long way.