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Enjoying sex again...

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Reaching out for advice. I was given hsv through a sexual assult. About a year ago I met a wonderful guy who changed my perspection on both traumas that took place in my life. Only problem was that after disclosing we kinda automatically fell into this deep "I care about you alot" stage. And missed the flirty/getting to know you stage. Long story short, anytime we would have sex I automatically got super insecure and shut down. My mind automatically went to "this is how you got yourself in that situation in the first place. You're disgusting" mindset. And would make sex extremely weird and hot in sync. I feel like it was a tender subject to even talk about because it made me have so much anxiety thinking I'm going to lose him, and I feel like he was afraid to bring it up cuz it was a tender subject to me. We ended up breaking up and I feel like that had a huge part do it. Looking to see how I can grow and hopefully get him back one day. Any suggestions on getting past that? Enjoying sex again? Gaining the confidence back? 

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The vulnerability itself that you speak of (the fears, the insecurity, the not-so-kind thoughts you have about yourself, etc.) are all opportunities for deeper intimacy and to let the lucky man who you trust more deeply into your inner world. The "tender subjects" that you're pointing to are exactly this ... doorways into deeper intimacy. And it's a process, for sure. A process of surrender and a process of trusting again. Because of your past experience, there are all sorts of barriers and thick brick walls coming up to protect you, to keep you safe. Even when your head can logically tell that you can trust a man again, your body will tell you something different. So it's about allowing your body and heart to catch up, to take your time and allow the man you find yourself with to be patient with you, too. The key here is for both of you to know that there is nowhere to get. There is nothing wrong that you find yourself feeling closed off to men. It's totally and completely understandable given your past experience. Remember that even in the process of feeling the pain and the hurt and the fear, there is intimacy right there if both you and your partner can be present with it and okay with it. That is what true healing is all about. 

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This content is for informational purposes only. This information does not constitute medical advice or diagnosis. I'm not a medical professional, so please take this as friendly peer support. 

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