I messed up - didn't tell him I have herpes

[paige]

So I haven't been on the forum in a while because I have been doing alright and I have been really busy with life. I messed up tho and I need help figuring this out. The other night I went out for my birthday and I drank a little too much. At the end of the night I ended up going home with this guy that I really like and we ended up having sex. I had been planning on disclosing to him before anything happened and I was waiting for the right time. i was not in my right mind and I wasn't able to tell him in that moment. I still plan on telling him but I'm scared that hes going to be angry at me for not telling him ahead of time. I'm just not sure how to approach him about this. I really do like him and I can't stand the fact that i didn't disclose before this happened. If anybody has any advise as to how I should approach this and what I should say to him I would really appreciate it. I am not looking for anyone to comment about me being a bad person for not telling him. keep those comments to yourself please because i do plan on telling him. just help please!!!!

 

[dimples88]

The right thing to do is tell him. We all make mistakes especially when under the influence. Its so hard to resist having sex..especially if its been a while. Dont kill yourself over it though.

[paige]

Thanks, I know its best to tell him and I do plan on telling him asap. I'm just not sure how to tell him. I need help!

[mr_hopp]

Tell him what's true for you. Be vulnerable with what you're feeling. Tell him you've been scared. Tell him that you've been worrying about how to tell him this. That it's been hard for you. That you feel guilty. That you want to make sure he's safe. That you're sorry. Any of this and more that is true for you about what happened and what had you not tell him about herpes to begin with.

 

You messed up, yes, but own up to it with integrity. The fact that you didn't disclose doesn't automatically make you a bad person. What's important now is how you handle the aftermath of not disclosing.

 

What I'm seeing in your worrying is that you're a good person who stepped over an integrity line for yourself by not disclosing herpes. Because you were scared if rejection, scared of being judged or whatever other reason. We all understand that fear, believe me. Learn this important thing about yourself of the importance of disclosing herpes, not only for the health and safety of others, but for your own peace of mind in doing the right thing. If only for the simple fact if knowing that not disclosing is going to eat you up inside. Everyone messes up at different points in life. It's all about learning from the mess ups and moving forward stronger and more in line with our values than ever before.

[paige]

Thank you Adrial that's exactly what i needed to hear I really appreciate the words of wisdom.......now to muster up the guts to tell him.

[paige]

its probably best to do it in person eh?

[Swampy]

I told my boyfriend of three years a few weeks into our dating, we had already had sex at that point. He freaked out a little, but still listened to what I had to say and my reasons for withholding this very important information (being afraid of rejection, and the fact that I had never had to tell anyone before). It took me awhile to muster up the courage to tell him, but after the talk happened I felt an enormous weight lifted off my shoulders.

A few days later, after doing some research about it on his own he came to the conclusion that it's not that big of a deal and that I was worth it, we've been very happy together ever since. Hope this helps :) Be brave you can do it!

[paige]

Thanks Swampy that helps. I have had to tell a few guys since I found out I had it but no one has been as Important to me as he is. What you said makes me feel better and I will really try and be brave about this like you were. I hope he thinks I'm worth it just like your boyfriend does.

[mr_hopp]

You got this, paige. Remember that being courageous is being willing to be vulnerable when there are no guarantees. Allowing yourself to feel it all and express those feelings. That's where the connection comes in. Connection in the fear, sadness and hope. And to feel that the relationship is worth whatever discomfort or difficulty that this conversation may pose right now. And to know that you are worth it, too.

[paige]

well i told him.....he said hes more mad at himself than he is at me.

[mr_hopp]

Can you let us in more? What else? And how are you feeling?

[paige]

Well I talked to him about how I had been rejected before and that I was scared to tell him because I didn't want that feeling again. I also told him to be honest with me because I can take the truth. I feel like he just kind of avoided the topic. He told me he accepted me and he wasn't going to reject me because of this. I guess he understands that I had no choice in this matter and that it does not define me. But I'm still kind of uneasy about the situation I feel like he now has the the power to hold my condition over my head and that scares me worse than telling him did. I really like him but I'm scared to like him. I don't want to get hurt again I'm not ready for that. The guy who gave the H to me hurt me so bad that ever since I really haven't even tried to have real feelings for anyone. I'm just not sure how to feel.