Freshly hurt, need real life examples

[livingbeyond]

I've been H+ for 12 years. I contracted it from my husband on my honeymoon when he had it orally and gave it to me vaginally and it developed into sacral. We have now been divorced 3 years. I have been dating for 3 years, and I had one relationship for 9 months, and some on and off time for a year or so after that. He tried to help by giving me health advice but otherwise didn't give H a second thought. Since then, I've had several unsuccessful dating relationships. A month ago I met someone who I thought would change that trend. We were dating exclusively and he said he wanted me to be in a serious relationship with him, and so I disclosed in person. I gave him time for questions, and told him he could take time to consider what he wanted to do. He said he wanted us to be together. It's been 3 days since then, he blocked my number (straight to voicemail and no responses to texts). I called from a different number this morning and he answered and was all stutters. I gave him the opportunity to tell me then he was no longer interested, but he made an excuse and hurried off the phone. I know this behavior could have happened with anything because this shows how he handles things, but it still hurts to be tossed aside and ignored as if I don't have feelings. I had gotten to a good place of being comfortable disclosing and feeling confident discussing nuances with a partner. I feel like I'm having a setback now and returning to the negative thinking that kept me in my marriage for too long ("no one will want me because of this, and if they do it will come at me sacrificing some important standards I have").  I have done so much work around this already for it just to return. Does it ever go away? How do I not lose faith/hope? I'm not looking for a fairy tale love, just a healthy, supportive relationship with a decent, yet imperfect man. Does anyone have encouraging stories about recovering from rejection? 

[Flowerteacher55]

Hello,

First, I am so sorry that you experienced this disrespect from someone you trusted. That is really disappointing. You did nothing wrong, this is not your fault. You did not deserve that. 

Second, please know you are not dirty. You are not worthless. You are not unwanted. You are clean and pure. You are worthy and deserving of a beautiful, healthy love. You are wanted. 

The way people treat us shows us who they are, and is a reflection of them, not of you. The cowardice and immaturity of completely ignoring someone who was vulnerable and honest is just plain ignorant. Good for you for calling from another number, and having him explain himself. You deserve that closure, and I love your confidence and directness!! 

I also have HSV from receiving oral sex (I am 90% positive I received it this way!). I cannot even imagine how hard it must have been to get it during your honeymoon, and to have it from someone you were married to for so long. I personally have told so many folks about my HSV, and while some have been harsh and just plain judgemental, others have been very kind and understanding, and acknowledge, "it's okay, that's really common. Thanks for being honest." Those who just had motives for sex and had feelings only on the surface (not deep from the heart or emotional) were turned away from my disclosure, and honestly I am grateful I have HSV as a tool to weed out the men who aren't for me. 

Our experiences shape our perspectives and realities. If we experience many negative or unsuccessful relationships, than it can make us feel like it will always be that way. However, there is hope. Just as there are kind women souls in the world, there are kind men, searching for a kind woman just like you! The hard part is the waiting and the searching. Often times the right people are right in front of us, and we just need to focus on the good souls instead of the souls who aren't for us.

There are so many people on this forum who have found lasting, healthy, positive relationships. Love is stronger than stigma. Love is stronger than fear. Healthy love that is meant to be isn't broken by having a common virus. If anything, the honesty and vulnerability that disclosing takes can build intimacy and bring people closer together in love and respect. You deserve this type of happy and healthy relationship!! 

Stay strong, sister! You are not alone. The right human will come along, I promise. ❤️

Sending blessings and hope your way! 🌄

Blessings,

Grace

[livingbeyond]

Cowardice and immaturity. I love the way you summed that up. Thank you for your words of encouragement. I really did think something great was on the horizon with this person, and I wondered how I could be so fooled into thinking I could trust him. 

I agree there are many great people out there, it's just that I feel hopeless for now that I will find one. I appreciate your optimism and outlook in this regard.  Maybe I can provide an update at some point that does it justice. Also, thank you for the perspective that it might have just been about sex for him, even with the other reassurances, his actions may be showing me just that. 

I'll see if I can find some of those stories already posted too. I think that will help me reset from this blow. 

Grateful for you and this platform!

[eastnorthsouthwest]

I just joined this group and have a similar story to yours. Contracted HSV2 from my husband and we divorced in 2014. I have not had any relationships since then. I was hurt badly in my divorce and I have a lot of walls and trust issues to break down before letting someone in. However, I've tried and met a few people who I finally trusted enough to get to the point of intimacy that I felt disclosure was important before we moved further. Of the four I told, one ghosted me immediately, two slowly decreased and then cut off communication altogether, and one was honest and told me he just couldn't handle it. 

 

I guess I'm writing because I hope you've had positive experiences since you posted this or at least restored your faith. I could use some positive words as I'm losing hope! People say it's not a sexual death sentence, but that's certainly been my experience.

[livingbeyond]

@eastnorthsouthwest Hi! I'm glad you decided to write and have joined the forums here. That experience I posted really did knock my confidence out for a few days, but I worked feverishly to mend and remind myself of my self worth outside of the diagnosis. There were plenty of tears and I also affirmed myself and regained the perspective that I still have value, and I had the opportunity to tell that person just that. So, once that was done I started meeting people again. I met someone who was immediately open about some of what he saw as limitations, which allowed me to be open about H. So far we have bonded over common perspectives on spirituality, perspectives on relationships, communication, and through transparency.  There is an ease as a result, and we just have fun or are able to get back there through more serious times. I don't know that we would've reached this level of vulnerability and acceptance between us so soon if I didn't have H. Things are still being worked through to determine if we will have something long-term, but for now things are good. I hope this does bring some optimism. If you have any other questions or  need encouragement, feel free to PM me. 

[Flowerteacher55]

@eastnorthsouthwest Hello! 

I am so sorry to hear about your recent struggles.

Frankly, that is chump-behavior. There are some humans in the world who do not react with kindness or respect. You disclosed, which was showing kindness and respect for their body and freewill. When someone doesn't respond with the same kindness and respect, that shows more about who THEY are, not who YOU are. You are a blessing. You are a beautiful human deserving of love, respect, and kindness. 

Don't let a couple of rotten apples ruin the bunch! Stay strong and keep the faith ❤️ 

Make sure you practice self-love and self-kindness. Remember, the way others treat you is a reflection of them. If someone tries to make you feel like it's your fault, or the relationship ended because it's your fault, they are not a person who is worthy and deserving of you. 

There is hope! ❤️ I am 22 and have had HSV since I was 19. I have been rejected so many times. At first it really hurt, but now I see it as a sifter of sorts; it reveals who people really are and it helps me sort through the chumps. 

@livingbeyond  Hi! ❤️ It is so wonderful that you met someone who is kind. I love how you said you wouldn't have reached the levels of vulnerability and acceptance if you didn't have H. That is such a beautiful thing! Thank you for sharing that with us, it really shines hope for me and I'm sure for so many others! ❤️ 

Sending blessings and light to you both! 🙂 

-- Grace