Long Distance disclosure and anxiety

[JustPassingBy]

I'm 36 and I've had HSV2 since I was 19, I'm now largely asymptomatic (maybe a flare up once every 2 years).

Over the last 12 months or so I've built a relationship with a girl from work and whilst it's mainly been friendly it's become very intimate in the last few months. I've tried to distance myself from discussing anything sexual but it's become impossible to avoid and it feels weird to steer conversations and flirting away. We've even playfully discussed how these things are going to play out when I arrive.

She's in Canada and I'm based in the UK, but my company is moving me over to her town in 4 weeks (for 6 months) to expand the business and train new employees.

I consulted with my friends a while ago on this and they unanimously recommended I wait until we meet in person. I did agree with this at the time but as the relationship has escalated in the last few months I'm starting to have real anxiety and don't want to seen as deceiving her or leading her on, we've both made it clear how much we like each other.

My previous disclosures came early in relationships but were in my early to mid 20s. This feels like a completely different beast to tackle, plus it's been a while. Any advice welcome!

[Flowerteacher55]

Hi! 

Congratulations on your relationship and your new job location! That sounds very exciting. Change is good and you deserve these good things and more! ☀️🌻

You could tell her over the phone or on FaceTime or Zoom or Skype, so it's more personable. Disclosing is really scary, especially when it's to someone you REALLY like. However, this person REALLY likes you, too! So, it should all be okay 🍀. Have no fear, have faith! 

You can even explain to her you'd  ideally want to do this in person, however you respect her and want to talk about it now (especially since you have been flirty and such through the phone 📱). You value honestly and you respect her, and she will appreciate that. You can explain how you have had it for years and you rarely get outbreaks, and if you want, you can read up on the helpful disclosure and diagnosis sheets on this website, so you have data to give her about transmission rates, etc. 

I can share the links to the sheets if you need them, too!

It will be okay! If you need any support please reach out. 

Blessings,

grace

[JustPassingBy]

14 hours ago, Flowerteacher55 said:

Hi! 

Congratulations on your relationship and your new job location! That sounds very exciting. Change is good and you deserve these good things and more! ☀️🌻

You could tell her over the phone or on FaceTime or Zoom or Skype, so it's more personable. Disclosing is really scary, especially when it's to someone you REALLY like. However, this person REALLY likes you, too! So, it should all be okay 🍀. Have no fear, have faith! 

You can even explain to her you'd  ideally want to do this in person, however you respect her and want to talk about it now (especially since you have been flirty and such through the phone 📱). You value honestly and you respect her, and she will appreciate that. You can explain how you have had it for years and you rarely get outbreaks, and if you want, you can read up on the helpful disclosure and diagnosis sheets on this website, so you have data to give her about transmission rates, etc. 

I can share the links to the sheets if you need them, too!

It will be okay! If you need any support please reach out. 

Blessings,

grace

Thanks for your reply 🙂

I'll give her a call early next week and have the talk. I have the fact sheets from another one of your posts so thank you for those too!

[Flowerteacher55]

Of course. Feel free to reach out if you need anything. Stay confident and hold your head high. You have no reason to be ashamed or fearful. You can do this!

Blessings! 🙂 

[DeMar]

Hi there,

I totally agree with everything that Grace has said in her reply.

I don't know if this will help but I'll tell you my story as it is similar.

2 years ago I met a girl online from another state. We hit it off immediately and kept chatting despite the distance. We had a very strong attraction for each other, both personally and sexually and our relationship grew over the next 12 months.

1 year ago covid borders came down and I was able to meet her. She asked that we both do STD test before starting a physical relationship. No problem. A week before I was due to fly my doctor told me I had tested positive for HSV2. I was shocked. I told her that night over Skype. I couldn't chat excitedly about my arrival or flirt as normal while I knew this and I told her that night.

It was a lot to take in and she took some time to process. She then wrote and asked me to please not come to her state, that we couldn't have a relationship. She had a weakened immune system and her doctor told her she would get it and get it worse from me. I was devastated.

We spoke again on Skype the day before my flight and I told her that I was coming anyway. I would come, and stay in an airbnb and if I got to see her, maybe only for a coffee, then great, but if not, then I would know that I tried, it was ok and I could let go. We were very close and our relationship had built far beyond the physical/sexual attraction. We spoke for hours and it was such a sad conversation. Then at the end she said something about wanting to know how it would feel to kiss me at the airport.
And I was like, wait, huh, what? Are you going to meet me at the airport? And she nodded.
I said, are you going to kiss me at the airport, and she nodded again.
I was in shock. It was like something from a movie, right when I thought it was all over. I can't describe how I felt. I was overwhelmed with joy and relief and excitement all at once.

So now, next week, we celebrate out 2 year anniversary. We are as close as ever and have a very healthy active sex life. My partner accepts she will probably get HSV from me but so far she hasn't and I don't want her to. I take antivirals but we generally don't use condoms (her choice). I am asymptomatic except a couple of weeks ago I noticed some spots that I think were my first knowing outbreak. No blisters, but it was enough for me to hold off for a bit and then wear a condom.

Long distance relationships are tough and the HSV has made it tougher. Really tough at times. But we've made it. The honesty was an important part of getting through, and I know it is difficult but I applaud what you're doing.

Everyone reacts in different ways and that is ok. Be strong, and be ready to accept whatever outcome. I hope this all works out for you and I wish you the very best.
Good luck and let us know how you go.

[Flowerteacher55]

@DeMar

Such a beautiful story ☀️ congrats on your 2 year anniversary!! 

Blessings to you and your partner!! 

[JustPassingBy]

@DeMar

Thanks for taking the time to share mate, I really appreciate that! Really happy it worked out for you, hope it does me.

She's off to see her family for 4 days over Easter so I've decided to defer until next week even though we have a video call tomorrow, I don't want her having to carry that on her break.

 

[DeMar]

Good luck JustPassing.
I know I am really lucky. Sometimes I catch myself and think I must have done something good in a previous life because this girl is really special.
Wishing you all the best and enjoy the Easter break.

[JustPassingBy]

On 4/16/2022 at 5:08 AM, DeMar said:

Good luck JustPassing.
I know I am really lucky. Sometimes I catch myself and think I must have done something good in a previous life because this girl is really special.
Wishing you all the best and enjoy the Easter break.

Maybe I did too! Finally disclosed tonight and she didn't even blink, she said she knew about the stigma and was happy I told her, It was almost annoying after all the anxiety! haha

Thanks again @DeMar and @Flowerteacher55 🙂

[Flowerteacher55]

@JustPassingBy HOORAY!! I am so happy for you 🙂 Blessings to you both!!

[DeMar]

Haha! That's brilliant news JustPassingBy! I'm really happy for you.