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Dating with herpes

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I started dating this new guy I had met. We had talked for about 3 days when I decided I’m going to tell him I have herpes. I wanted to do it sooner than later because well idk I just did. He took it very well, wanted to be more informed about it. I was like ok awesome! Before our third date he wanted to make it official with us. I said of course I’d love to be your woman! Third date we did the deed. RIGHT after I felt the weirdest vibe…we did use protection. Wen I got home later I said to him I felt a weird vibe is everything ok? He said yes he jus got in his head about it but we’re good. Fast forward to Tuesday where I didn’t hear from him all day….that night he says I think I have what you have. I said what are your symptoms? He said his lips were dry n tingly n he’s sketched out. I apologized for him being in that situation but now that I think of it he knew what he was getting into rite? Now I can’t stop feeling like the asshole. Last night he messages me again n says I like you but are you sure you’ve never passed it on before? Mind you I’ve had this for 8 years and I’m always careful. There is obviously always a chance. But no I have never given it to anyone.

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I am so sorry that this happened. It's not yor fault. Remember that the way people treat you is a reflection of THEM, not of you. 

You were honest about your H, and you've had H for 8 years. You have been in intimate relationships with others, and honestly it doesn't matter if you've passed it to another person before, because that is not your fault. If I passed H to a former partner, how  does that impact my current partner? Different shedding rates, sexual safety practices, and just the impacts of chance and luck of the draw all can impact the likelihood of a partner contracting it. It's not like you decide to pass it to someone!! Plus, it is possible other contracted it or already had it and were asymptomatic, or possibly a partner contracted it and didn't disclose it to you because you weren't together anymore.  Regardless, that's in the past and yes, you were honest and they knew the risks of everything.  So, his pressing of that question isn't relevant and honestly kind of insulting. I'm sorry that he is being insensitive. I understand he may be nervous, but that doesn't give him the right to behave this way. 

You are NOT an asshole. If anything he is being insensitive and not very nice... He is acting as if you are contagious and aren't aware of your own 8 year condition!! You deserve so much better!! 

I was seeing someone once who said they were fine with my H and then freaked out and called me the next day paranoid about everything. Then they explained how bad they felt about freaking out to me. I was calm and comforting during both discussions, but honestly I was like... Holy cow 🐄!! This guy was about 5 years older than me (I was only 20!) and I was just amazed by how I was the mature and calm one in this situation 😂. So, please know, you are not alone and the random "day-after panic" from partners is so common. It's not your fault! 

Hang in there and stay kind and true to yourself. 

Sending blessings and prayers your way!! 🌈☀️🦋🌻


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Thank you so much Grace that made me feel a lot better and reassured with your kind words!! He actually messaged me last nite and said he would still like to talk still n chill on the sex thing for now if it is ok. He felt we rushed n he got in his head about it jus being about sex. N he’d like to make it happen without it so it can be really real. Idk I feel like he’s very up and down about this situation. Should I jus cut ties I hate being jerked around.

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I completely understand. I am in a similar situation right now. He's SUPER into me and we've been really enjoying one another's company. Suddenly he kept making plans and then cancelling and got super distant. I asked what was wrong and he's saying he isn't sure and is in his head and needs time, etc. He's accepting about my H though which is good 😂!!

In regards to whether you should cut ties with him... Think about if this person were to still be in your life a few months from now... would you see them building you up or continuing to bring you down? Also, If your friend were in your situation what would you tell them?

I hope this helps!! 🥰

Blessings!! 🦋❤️



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  • 4 months later...

Thank you for sharing! I'm going through something similar. I thought we got through the potential bumpy part of disclosing and the guy deciding if it was something he was comfortable with. Everything was fine, I wanted to wait a little bit in case he got cold feet (as someone in the past had gotten), he was super excited about having sex (as was I- I hadn't since my diagnosis 4 years ago!), we talked about precautions, it happened, and the next time we hung out he had concerns, thought he was getting a cold sore from oral sex, said later in the week he had some sores under his nose...but also had told me he's gotten cold sores before, an ex had HPV and wears a mask all day at work, facial hair, so could have been a number of things. He specifically said he didn't want to end things, was going to the doctor and also talk to his therapist, but has been distant and flaked on plans. He finally said he needs more time to think about things. I realize there's not much more we can do than be upfront and honest with potential partners, and I appreciate he talked to me about it rather than just ghost, but it's been rough to feel rejected after the fact from the first guy that seemingly accepted this part of me. My friends are supportive but I'm grateful to have joined this community to hear about other people's experiences and share with people who know what I am going through.

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A few months ago this happened to me. I was seeing someone, was honest from the jump. Took him a week to decide if he was “okay with it”, and he was still apprehensive. I should have cut it off but I liked him a lot and we had great chemistry. He started being flaky, and cancelled a lot. And after sex he would look at his penis forever in the bathroom. He kept telling me it had nothing to do with my herpes and that he just was too busy for a relationship. I believe he couldn’t just tell me the truth. I stopped hearing from him after I told him I wanted to see other people 🤷🏽‍♀️

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I wish for everyone regardless of their status for their partners to be honest (the person I got it from did not disclose even though he knew). It sounds like it wasn't the right person for you but I'm sorry to hear about you having to go through that. I try to think about how a partner reacts to our disclosures as an indication to how they will react to other potentially stressful or not ideal news (doesn't always help in the moment but in the long run does matter).

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@Stefanine and @Accepting18

Hi! I am so sorry you both have had these recent relationship struggles. Remember that the way someone reacts and treats you is a reflection of them, not of you. A key elements of successful relationships is honesty, as well as complete listening. 

I totally agree that disclosing to someone really gives you the opportunity to observe a potential partner and how they react towards difficult news. 

Stay strong and stay kind to yourself! You are both worthy of love and you will find it 💛💜❤️


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