What to do...

[laketodo]

I feel like I've asked this before, but want to get some opinions. 

 

TLDR: I hooked up with someone (no sex) and feel so insanely guilty and nervous. 

 

Long version: Was a little tipsy on Saturday night and let a guy take me home. We ended up cuddling and doing some hand stuff, lying down next to each other, a little body to body grinding. I should have said something. I didn't. He says he wants to see me again but I haven't heard from him. He asked me in the morning what my status was and I sort of didn't answer the question directly (said it had been a while since I had had sex and laughed it off). 

 

I think if I am being honest I just really, really don't want to disclose. And honestly don't know if I need to. That's what is bringing up upset for me. I dont want to scare him unnecessarily. If I do see him again I think I have to. I don't really think I put him into risk but I also think he'll be really mad and I'm scared.  

[AlliKat12]

I think if you believe that there is potential for sexual activity that could possibly put him in the position to get this virus, then I would tell him.  If you are just getting to know each other and and it stays at cuddling and grinding, then I'd see where it goes first.  Disclosing is really important, you definitely want to disclose beforehand so he has an option on if he wants to take on that risk or not.  Make sure that you're comfortable enough with him to disclose as well. 

[Farishta]

I truly understand the temptation to put off disclosure but you must never give in to it.  You must respect people's rights to their own bodies.  They deserve it.  You deserve it.  Be prepared with information and experience that gives knowledge and quells stigma.  Be prepared to be delighted or disappointed.  It sucks.  It's not fair.  It's our reality.  You are not alone.  Good luck.

[mr_hopp]

Hey @laketodo

It's a tough spot, feeling guilty and unsure. From what you've shared, it sounds like you're really wrestling with the "when and how" of disclosure, especially in these early, non-sexual encounters.

@AlliKat12 and @Farishta brought up some solid points. Being honest and transparent, when you feel there's a real chance of getting closer, respects both your integrity and their right to make informed decisions. It's all about finding the right moment that feels true to you, without overwhelming the budding connection with undue worry. When to disclose? What I always say: When you trust this person with your vulnerability. If things seem to be heading in a more intimate direction, having that chat is not just brave, it's essential. It's okay to be scared, but remember, how someone reacts says a lot about their character. And that you are someone who discloses at all (even after a misstep) says a lot about yours. You're handling a delicate situation with a lot of thoughtfulness.

If you haven't already, download the ebook on disclosure. It also comes with 2 helpful one-page handouts chock-full of the stats: https://www.herpesopportunity.com/lp/ebook

Also, watching these videos might be helpful:

 

[laketodo]

I wanted to give an update here. 

 

Thanks for sharing your thoughts, everyone! I really considered my feelings - my guilt comes from that he asked me a direct question and I didn’t answer. I felt like crying all day about the not being direct, so I called my GP. 

 

My doctor’s advice was actually in direct opposition to what you all suggested, though I truly understand your perspective. She thinks the odds are so incredibly low of that encounter that there’s no need to be putting this much pressure on myself. Quite surprisingly,  she basically said if he really cares about this virus he shouldn’t be asking after the fact, and that it takes two to tango. It was a surprising take from a GP, but I’m weighing everyone’s thoughts here. 

 I’m not quite sure I agree with her, but she gave me a lot of interesting perspective. @mr_hopp thanks so much for taking the time to share these things but as this is a one-off encounter and it probably isn’t moving forward, we’re talking about a situation where I will probably never trust this person or need to because I won’t be talking to him again. I could be unnecessarily freaking someone out for 2 months or more - someone I don’t even know if Im safe to tell. What if he’s a vindictive person? What if he’s violent? It’s a lot to consider.