Farishta

GOOD NEWS UPDATE: So... I was really regretting ending the relationship. After about a week, we met up and had a long talk about our relationship, conflict styles, and herpes. We reconciled! And in the weeks after that, we began having sex with condoms. There are so many aspects of our relationship that are joyful, compatible, and healthy. That said, the way we handled herpes was messy and far from textbook. Thank you to everyone here who read my story and offered their perspective and support. There's no one way to navigate these waters. Was it Churchill who said, "When you're going through hell, keep going"? Keep going.

To paraphrase Maya Angelou, now that you KNOW better, you DO better. And if you didn't have the chance in your short call, perhaps text/email with a short, sincere apology.

I'm so sorry you are despairing. I know how awful it can feel. Please stay connected to this forum as you come to terms with this and learn more. You will read happy stories and sad ones. Remember, if 80-90% of people have HSV1 and 1 in 14 have HSV2, that's a lot of people, and way more than the number of people who are posting here. It's usually the unhappy ones who post on forums looking for support and it's good that we do. The happy ones are out there living their lives and we don't hear from them as much. Take deep breaths, get into nature, socialize (hang out with people, you can take a break from dating and sex while you adjust to this) and know there is a long road ahead with good people and experiences you can't possibly know yet. Hang in there.

I truly understand the temptation to put off disclosure but you must never give in to it. You must respect people's rights to their own bodies. They deserve it. You deserve it. Be prepared with information and experience that gives knowledge and quells stigma. Be prepared to be delighted or disappointed. It sucks. It's not fair. It's our reality. You are not alone. Good luck.

Dear LonelyGuy, I am going through my own version of being rejected for having HSV2 by a man who has HSV1. Well, actually, I wasn't fully rejected. I was slow-tracked and after 6 months, I rejected the slow track.. And now I'm regretting it. I've been in this community for two years now and I still hold out hope, but I am beginning to think it's foolish hope. The stigma is so overpowering. You're not alone. I feel for you. You can borrow some of my foolish hope for a while if it helps you get by. Hang in there.

I remember how ignorant I was about herpes before I was diagnosed. I remember how I plunged into fear and shame and darkness and rage when I found out. I remember my very excellent therapist describing my experience as medical trauma. I also remember my general physician, who I usually like very much, being so nonchalant about my diagnosis while I cried in his office and I couldn't tell which one of us was crazy. It was a non-issue to him bc it's so common and usually not harmful to the individual. Then I remember my gynecologist being more sensitive to my feelings while also reassuring me that this was a medically minimally significant virus, and that was reassuring. I was never in a position to accept or reject someone based on their sexual health because no one had or disclosed anything to me in the past. And the person who infected me deliberately withheld his status, and outright lied to me when we talked about our sexual health prior to sleeping together. I would not have accepted the risk of herpes for that person because I knew he was not a long-term prospect. So the best I can do is guess how I would have handled it if my ex boyfriend told me he was positive and I had no strain of herpes. I know me. I'm cautious and in general a no- to low-risk taker. But I'm also an academic, and I pride myself on being non-judgmental (or minimally judgmental - I'm getting curmudgeonly in middle age) of all people and experiences. If I really liked this man - and I can tell you that our connection was not immediate but it developed quickly and our compatibility on so many things is wonderful and rare - I would have read and researched everything I could have. I would have talked to doctors or sexual health clinic workers. I probably would have read every relevant thread in this forum. And knowing what I know now, I would take it slow with him but I would not pass up the possibility of a really good life together for a "mild skin condition with a bad reputation" (I think that was the choice of phrase of our fabulous moderator). When I learned about the power of the stigma relative to the impact of the virus, I would have read and discovered everything I needed to find a way to be with this man and build a life together. If he was open to condoms and antivirals and looking out for me, I would have gotten there. Admittedly, I probably would have been on the slow track too. I'll be honest. I'm so very upset and feeling so very low. I regret leaving him last week. I wish I had given him more of the time he asked for. I think short term loss (even though six months to a year feels long when you're in it) for long term gain might have been worth it. I have reached out to him again and not heard anything back so maybe he's relieved I ended it and saved him from having to deal with HSV2 anymore. Maybe his indecision these months was a decision. I have been discriminated against for race and religion before, but this was new and not expected. I guess what I thought we had was worth more to me than it was to him. And I'm still a fool in denial thinking he will come to his senses. I'd still be curious to hear from others how long they may have waited for their partners to be comfortable with sex. In the past, I had two other partners (one requested condoms, one did not, and I was always on antivirals and monitored my body). They came to the decision within a week or so. Maybe I was unfair to this man I claim to love who asked for more time. I hate this.

Thank you all for your replies. I'm feeling really low. I hadn't been this hopeful about a relationship in a very, very long time and it hurts to be rejected because of this. And now, of course, I feel less hopeful about my romantic future than ever. Still hoping against hope that he'll come to his senses but the disappointing reality is staring me in the face. I've been through worse. Onwards.

In case anyone is reading this thread... I just talked to him. I went with prepared notes. I told him that while I understand his desire to avoid HSV2, I am no longer willing to wait for him to decide if I am worth the risk. I reminded him that this was a virus of minor medical consequence and that he already carries one of the two strains, and that it is not worth throwing away such a promising loving and joyful relationship. His replies showed continued ignorance about the virus and deference to the stigma. I told him I thought he was making a terrible mistake, but that it was his right to make. I told him that I hope he changes his mind very soon and if he does he should call me. He tried to reassure me that he loves me and I countered that if he loved me, he wouldn't treat me as less-than for so long. And I left. That was two hours ago. Silence. I feel humiliated. Rejected. Like toxic waste. I hate the man that did this to me, knowingly and without informing me of my risk (he was DEFINITELY not worth the risk and I knew that at the time). And I'm so mad at my now ex-boyfriend for being unable to accept all of me. We had a lot going for us but still, I guess, not enough. What makes it worse is that I have only shared my HSV status with very few friends, and not my besties. So I've narrowed my network of support. And I'm sad. And hurt. And angry. And disappointed. And (I wish it wasn't true but) ashamed.

Thank you so much for sharing your experience and your opinion. A year is too long. Six months feels too long. I can't change that I have HSV2. And if he can't change his mind and embrace all of me, then I have to leave. We have talked about this many, many times. I think I have to tell him I'm no longer willing to wait. I'm a great catch. And so is he. This is a real disappointment. We will be sad, and then we will both carry on and be fine. (Still holding out hope that he changes his mind, but it would take a lot for me to trust that anyway since he has been so reluctant/unwilling for so long.) Thank you DistressedLady. And I hope you are less distressed now than when you chose that name as your handle. Best wishes to you.

Dear Chapstick, Thank you so much for the candor in your reply. He's a good man and we are a good match in a million important ways, and that is very hard to walk away from. He has every right to avoid HSV2. That just means that I'm not the woman for him. And he isn't the man for me. Very sad. The stigma of herpes is so damaging. Honestly, I had a cancer scare a few months ago and blessedly it turned out to be nothing but he was right by my side for that. Cancer could kill me, and he had no problem signing up for that. But this he just cannot accept. A real shame. Again, thank you for your reply. It was clarifying.

Hello @Sunnygurl. I just posted a similar situation... "How long is too long to wait for someone to accept me..." I feel your anguish. It's frustrating and painful to be fully emotionally intimate with someone who is reluctant/unwilling to be fully sexually intimate with you, even when we understand their reluctance. There are a million reasons why someone might not choose to be with another person - gender, race, religion, financial values, where they live, how they chew their food, whether or not they have kids, whether or not they can assemble IKEA furniture together amicably... .The fact is, herpes is another thing that narrows our dating pool. Another fact is, you are worthy of being fully adored and embraced. You're right. The virus for most of us is nothing compared to the relationship complications it brings. Hang in there. I hope this guy works out for you. But if it turns out he isn't, you will get through it and you will be ok. Life has more good stuff in store for you that you can't even imagine yet - people you haven't met, places you haven't seen, and adventures you never could have forseen. Keep the faith.

I am a woman in my 40s and contracted HSV1 and HSV2 almost two years ago from someone who outright lied to me about his sexual health. I have had two sexual partners since then, disclosed very early on both times, though they did not develop into loving relationships. For the last six months, I have been dating a wonderful man. I disclosed my sexual health to him very early on and he said we would deal with it together. He is kind, thoughtful, attentive, and generous, we enjoy each other's company immensely, and we talk about sharing our lives together into retirement and old age. We are very affectionate and touch and fondle, and it gets "hot and heavy" BUT he stops short of intercourse - nothing vaginal or oral. I take daily antivirals and monitor my body - my outbreaks are very infrequent and mild, gratefully. I am open to condom use as a stepping stone, though I also told him early on that for me, I want a long term, committed, monogamous relationship where we could be sexually free with each other without condoms. He is requesting to wait a full year before intercourse, and even then, he wants condoms/dental dams only for a long while after. We love each other and talk about spending the rest of our lives together. He wants as many guarantees as possible that we will never break up and that he won't be left with this virus which he fears will render him forever undatable and lonely. I have shared articles, fact sheets, discussion forums, contact info for clinics and doctors for him to ask any and all questions, and offered to read/visit any information sources together. He has done some reading but dragged his feet about talking to anyone but me. The reality is, to be with me means to accept the risk of getting herpes. This is a good man and a very special relationship, and it would be very hard for me to walk away from him. But he remains as fearful of getting herpes as he was when I first told him I have it. Oh, he already has HSV1, long before he ever met me. But he is freaking out about HSV2. A big part of me worries that if he hasn't come to accept all of me by now, he never really will, and I am wasting my time (and his) waiting for him. He has asked me to be patient and said he may be open to condom use soon but my patience is all but gone. Is waiting one year for sex crazy in the context of a loving relationships with herpes? (I think it is but I don't want to be unfair to him.) Have other people encountered this? What have you done? What would you do?