Looking for insight on HSV-2 diagnosis & situation

[Isleguy]

Hi Everyone, 50 yr old male, recent HSV-2 diagnosis . My first post, I apologize if there are things I’m supposed to say or if I chose the incorrect sub forum.

Where to begin? 2008 I was in a short relationship with someone, she told me she had HSV after we had sex. Sex was protected. I was shocked, and visited a local STI clinic. They told me that if had been exposed there was a good chance I would never develop symptoms, and that the antibody tests tell little. I decided to stay celibate for a year & monitor myself. I never had any kind of noticeable symptoms. Met my current partner/ wife in 2011 and have been monogamous since.

Ffwd - my marriage has been very rocky the last couple of years. Lots of bad blood, not in a good place. We have not been intimate for nearly 5yrs. Accusations of infidelity and other bad things. The last 6mo have been really bad, and we have kids. I have been thinking on how to separate amicably, pretty stressed out in general; I have a job that is not in the best of places either.

A month ago I notice this tiny cluster of blisters beside my belly button. I initially didn’t think much of it, showed it to my wife - she said it looked like shingles. I thought it was weird so I did a telehealth appointment with a doctor- he prescribed me Valicyclovir and antibiotics to cover all bases. Later that day, I remembered my exposure from 2008. I made an appointment for a test at a clinic. They completed a swab. +ve for HSV-2.

Not really sure how to tell the rest of this. I went into crisis mode - tbh I haven’t really started to deal with the HSV-2 side of this even now.

That night I decided to tell my wife I wanted to separate. She was caught off guard, and asked “why today”? I couldn’t be honest with her. With the state of the marriage, my exposure being so long ago, I knew if I was honest it would be a complete disaster. I just told her I didn’t love her anymore. I thought it was easier to lie, I’m so scared what she would do in reaction. Take the kids? Throw me out? All of the BS accusations would be validated. 

That weekend she went away with the kids. I was overwhelmed with guilt and shame. I wrote goodbye letters to my kids, and a suicide note to my wife laying all of this out. I fell to pieces, cried until I got sick. I couldn’t bear leaving my kids without a father. I didn’t do anything, but I’ve kept the letters. I’ve been managing and keeping it together, but I’m so lost right now.
For the most part life has gone on for the last month. we are starting down the path to separation. But she wants to try to reconcile; we haven’t told our kids yet. I’ve asked why she wants to reconcile, she says she is content enough, happy enough. not really inspiring me with confidence to be forthcoming with my diagnosis. She says We should try. And I want to, I really do. But I can’t! How can I ? I won’t lie to her about this, and I refuse to hide it &  expose her knowingly. I’ve already done it unintentionally for our marriage.

I’m not confident that the relationship is in a place where I can be totally honest about my situation and not have it go to complete $hit. I can’t envision a scenario where she understands. 

I only see one way out of this with the least amount of blowback - separation and say nothing. I don’t know if the marriage would have lasted without my hsv diagnosis. That’s the biggest item I’m battling with. But that door is now closed. 
 

Where do I go? Who can I talk to? Ive been trying to find someone to talk to - local groups, but no luck connecting. I’ve met a counsellor who Happens to be hsv-2 positive as well and talking with her has been good but have not shared this with a soul who I am close to. I’m going to visit my father this weekend and lay this out. I have no idea what he will say. I feel like I’m going to drop a bomb on him.

[ashleytiffania]

@Isleguy This is a really difficult situation and one where I can tell you have been under intense stress and pressure for a while. You're juggling lots of stressful things between your wife, kids, job, and diagnosis and it's okay to feel sad and worried and frankly depressed. You took the right precautions after your exposure by getting tested and being considerate with your abstinence.

Please do not let your HSV diagnosis be the sole driver of your marital separation. HSV is very common and there are ways that you can be intimate with your wife without spreading it to her, i.e. condoms, suppressive therapy, etc. Being diagnosed with an incurable illness is really difficult, but I promise you it does get better as you follow the stages of grief. At first there is despair, but then you arrive at acceptance over time. Have you thought about couples counseling or therapy with your wife? If you do decide to work on your marriage, it would be beneficial to first rebuild some trust and communication with your wife before disclosing your diagnosis. In this way, you will feel more at ease telling her and you will be more likely to be met with understanding and empathy. 

This forum has been really helpful and you could also connect with people on reddit and other online forums as well. I too have not told anyone I am close to and it's been 5 years since I was diagnosed. The only person who knows is my current boyfriend. I chose not to tell my mother because she has been warning and harping on me about STDs since I was in high school and I can't bring myself to admit to her that I contracted one. That being said, your father might be more understanding and provide much needed support for you. 

[mr_hopp]

Hey @Isleguy, it sounds like you're carrying a heavy load right now. A perfect storm. Finding out about HSV-2 amidst marital strain must feel like too much to handle alone. It’s a tough situation, but you’re taking responsible steps by seeing a counselor and planning to talk with your dad. That’s brave. I certainly had similar suicidal moments initially myself, but I'm so glad I didn't do it. And I'm glad you didn't either. Because making such rash decisions in the midst of such strong emotions is never the way to go. It's super important to put this into perspective: HSV-2 is way more common and manageable than the stigma and shame would have you realize, and it doesn’t define your worth or your ability to have meaningful relationships. At all. Separation is a big decision, influenced by more than just a diagnosis. Honest communication is key, whether with your wife, a therapist, or close family. It’s okay to take time to figure out what’s best for you and your family. And @ashleytiffania, you’ve shared some insightful thoughts. Therapy could indeed be a pathway to rebuilding trust and communication, potentially creating a space for difficult conversations. And absolutely, time heals through the stages of grief (when you hold a positive perspective as much as possible). 

Remember, you’re not alone, and it’s okay to lean on this forum, friends, or family for support. You got this. Keep us in the loop as this thing progresses.

[Veteran]

Tell the truth of the matter. Don’t hide behind the secret. The truth will set you any everyone free. If they don’t except it then that’s okay, they will. She will understand. Might be tough a little rocky but you’ll feel better. Remember it’s okay everyone has some form of herpes. Chicken pox, hsv-1, shingles. It’s hard to talk about it and share but don’t let big family decisions be affected by it. Time heals and you’ll find it wasn’t that big a deal even if it becomes overwhelming. You’re not alone they say 500 million people have it the number is more. 

[Jasonlee56]

@isleguy...

I agree with Veteran. It's best to be honest. I know...because I wasn't for decades with my wife and finally came clean. 

I always ask myself, "what is the worst that can happen?"

You already have relegated yourself to separating. If she doesn't understand...you are in the same place you are now. 

If, on the other hand she listens and tries to understand...the effect...will be like starting over. Why? Because this kind of honesty requires a complete "reboot" in tech terms. 

Ashley and Mr Hopp...also gave valuable advice. Listen to it. I wish you well...and if you need to reach out...please do. I felt like you did...and somehow, someway...survived it. You can too. 

 

 

[Isleguy]

@ashleytiffania @mr_hopp @Jasonlee56

Thank you for all of the words, wishes and advice. 
Im visiting with my father now. He has been so amazing. No judgement, all empathy and love. This is the darkest time in my life, and I feel so happy to know he loves and supports me. He has said what many of you have said - I need to talk to her. But I’m still so scared, I don’t know what to do. . I love my wife and family so much, I know this now more than ever despite being so separated from her. I know if she abandons me despite this im still  in the same place. It’s such a huge step to take, I feel powerless. I know it has to be done.

[Isleguy]

Hi everyone, I apologize for not providing an update sooner.

I  disclosed my status with my father last weekend. He was amazing. I decided to disclose to my wife, and spoke with my counsellor prior to that discussion.

All my fears of her reaction of leaving me were false. She just wished I’d have told her straight out. She is having a hard time understanding why I wasn’t forthcoming right away. For me it was a reactive decision based on no information, and fear of what she might do and say. 
we have a long way to go. I’m not sure she will stay with me. I said a lot over the last month to make her think I didn’t love her when all I was focused on was separating to hide this diagnosis. I’ve told her I do love her, if anything this disease has stripped the meaningless BS from me and made me see that. There is lots to do, and go day by day. Maybe she stays, maybe she doesn’t. But all my cards are in the table now for us to work on this.