First time really talking about herpes with other people

[College_Guy12345]

Hey guys, I'm a 22 year old guy, I was diagnosed with HSV-2 about a year ago, and I have recently come across this site and read a lot of the past subjects and you all seem to have come to terms with this "gift." Well, simply put, I HAVEN"T!!! All of the time I feel like I can't have a normal relationship with someone. Honestly I don't care if it's casual or long-term, I just want to physically be intimate with a woman. I know know I'm a good looking guy I really do, plus I have an excellent career future, but I can't stop thinking about despite all of those things who the fuck would want to be with me?! I can't say I'd be the first to stand up and be willing to get it. But, maybe that was the old me? I mean I'm a great guy, and I got this from the first girl I ever slept with, how pathetic is that?! One stupid relationship in high school led me to this kind of life.

 

I met a few people from a STD dating site one was cool and worked at a her pretty close to where I live. The second was a single mom my age and was the she perfect package: Smart, Sexy, and oh yeah SEXY! We went out a few times but ended it because we lived pretty far apart. I still think about her a lot. But I guess the point of all my ranting is this: I'm a freak, I can't just have regular sex with someone, I can't have any restrictions with her, it has to be kinky and really HOT. And I realize more and more that it will only increase the chances of spreading it (if she didn't have it that is). But do I have to settle for less? What's the point in living if you can't feel alive right?

 

I just don't know what to do, I don't really have anyone to talk to about it. I mean I've told my parents but how could they understand something they don't have? I think I've accepted that I have it, but it's really hard to deal with sometimes, and for some reason this month has been the hardest so far. I haven't had to have "the talk" with anyone yet and I'm dreading that the most, I would feel like I was wasting her time or something. I feel like I'm doing the bait & switch scheme with women, except they don't find out until I tell them later in the relationship.

 

I think I've covered all of the bases guys and I fell better now that I've actually said something, I know I'm a newbie on here, but if some of the older members could take the time to read& respond, it would be greatly appreciated!

 

Thanks!

[lelani]

Hey College guy..firstly there is nothing pathetic about any of this and ranting is pretty good when you need it. And no you aren't a freak...I love hot sex too without restrictions and feel the same way about having this. Everything you say I have felt or thought and yes it is hard to deal with...I have gone through easier times and hard times with it over the last year. Just when I feel like I am dealing with it...suddenly I feel like I am not.

 

I have no shortage of men interested...but I keep them at arms length (I have learned often its not a bad thing either) But I love sex, and I miss it so much. I've had a relationship with someone with Herpes (chance meeting and I thought he was the one) but he ended up going back to his ex!!! The guy who gave it to me I love (he disclosed and it was just bad luck I got it)...but he lives hours away and I know he's not my life partner.

 

The first time having the talk is hard and I have had it several times...not actually been rejected but I have rejected someone because I couldn't cope the possibility of them getting it. It really is about being honest and this keeps you real and forces you to choose whether to behave with character or not...and that's a good thing. And there are women out there who will not see Herpes as a deal breaker...I am one of them and yes i would do it again if I thought he was worth it. You are worth it...so am I and we just have to remember that.

 

A big hug...I do know how you feel. xx

 

[College_Guy12345]

Hey Lelani, writing about this has made me feel a lot better, I guess I just needed to get it off of my chest. I'm still worried about disclosing to someone, I mean I live in South Florida and pretty much everyone here is shallow, except for a few good people. I guess I'll just have to accept that I have to be really careful about who I tell. It just sucks that I can't even hookup with someone let alone get some head, it's so unfair! This has taken just about all of my favorite things out of my life, I can't be free to do whatever I want with whoever I want, I feel like I can't be free to live the life I want!

[lelani]

Hey College guy...glad you feel better, thought you would as its always good to have a rant and sort out how you are feeling. There are shallow people everywhere and the older you get (I'm more than twice your age lol) the more you don't care and choose to be around good people instead, I ditch anyone (nicely) who isn't good for me! I have been pretty open about it with my family and friends, it makes it easier and I feel like I am helping educate people about it.

 

And as for H stopping you from being free....so could an injury, other illnesses, birth defects, and even all sorts of negative thoughts. Yeah it is unfair and sex has to be expressed differently and more selectively, I don't know whether we get to totally accepting that...not sure I will but I am learning to live with it and mostly not be so sad about it. I was with my ex husband for 28 years and he had HSV1 - I never got it and because of ignorance about it had no restrictions on sex! With the right person it won't matter and you will work around it fine :-)

[Scornedvillager]

Lelani, your posts are always so positive and encouraging. I love them.

 

College_Guy,

Its hard for any one to deal with contracting H. Especially when we are involved in a social scene (which almost all of them are shallow to some extent).

Here is a story for you. Roughly a year ago I met a young (25), attractive military man that I clicked with. I didnt have HSV-2 when we were hanging out. I liked him a lot but on our 3rd date I noticed a needle mark on his arm. I questioned it because I am an ex-girlfriend of a IV drug user and was about to jump ship if I had met another IV drug user. He told me he had contracted herpes and the mark on his arm was from a blood drawing, even though his doctor was sure he had it. We never really worked out even though I was very attracted to him, but because he was so honest with me, I told him at the time that if things progressed and we "clicked" that I would be willing to take the risk to be with him. We never had sex and went on our separate ways.

Strangely enough, a year and a half to two years later I get a call from Planned Parenthood telling me I got the gift that keeps on giving. I've played both roles. I was the chick that accepted that someone super cool had the virus and was willing to progress to a sexual relationship if we had really seen something in each other. Today I am H positive and I have a wonderful boyfriend who accepts me for the cute, amazing chick I really am.

 

I did, however, send a text to him asking for advice shortly after my result. His response?

"It only really affects one part of your life: dating."

 

Amazing! Heres a guy that is so hot, someone who could pull ass for days. Yet he is responsible, controls himself and is honest to potential lovers. The moral of the story is that H, as uncomfortable and "socially unacceptable" as it is, forces us young folks into viewing life from a different aspect. I've finally realized life isn't all about "gettin' some." I'm 24 years old and H has done an important thing for me. Its given me a swift kick in the ass towards true adulthood. Casual sex is liberating and certainly is good fun, but it is one thing that consumes us in our early 20s. What hot chick are we going to bang next? Which ripped dude on the dance floor is going to take me home tonight?

 

See this as an opportunity to focus on things in life with true meaning such as your career, your family, hobbies you may have, your own state of health and fitness. There are hot chicks that are willing to accept you regardless of H. Believe me, I was one of them before I paddled up the H creek with the rest of you guys.

 

Oh, and good luck with disclosing. If shes a smart girl she will praise you for being an honest upstanding guy. She may even be more attracted to you because of your honesty!

[lelani]

S Villiager...you are gorgeous and your words are so true. I love them too! It's great having positive stuff reflected back, we need to do this for each other and I so appreciate it. It's nice to hear about others who, like me, didn't see it as a deal breaker and worth the risk. xx

[College_Guy12345]

Thanks ladies! I really needed to hear that. It's weird I didn't really see it as a big deal last year but until now it's been hard because, I really want someone to spend my extra time with and it's just one more thing to deal with. But yeah, if she's smart then maybe she'd still want to pursue a relationship.

 

This is going to sound weird but, I need a woman's perspective on this: What is sex like for you ladies now? Like what do you do now or what do you do differently? Sorry if it's too personal and you don't have to answer if you don't want to, but I can't seem to find any answers anywhere. I'm a smart guy and know how to do extensive research but there's nothing around regarding what's safe to do and what's not. Like this girl I met she was so hot and she had Herpes type 2, if we went down on each other would we both get it in our mouths? HSV2 isn't known for being present in the mouth. And yes, I know basically everything you do with someone who doesn't have Herpes has the potential risk.

 

Again sorry if I sound ignorant, I just want to know so it doesn't happen to someone like it did to us.

 

Thanks!

[Scornedvillager]

Thanks Lelani! You are beautiful too. I would totally visit your cafe that you mentioned in previous posts. I'd love to sit and chat with you over coffee.

 

It isnt too personal because sex isnt that much different. I've noticed that rough sex will cause a break out. I do, however, have the tendency to wash my hands more frequently, especially after sex. You have to consider that women have a lot more fluids to deal with so practicing good hygiene is a must.

Contracting it orally is highly possible. I was misdiagnosed during my first break out. They said it was Herpes Zoster (Shingles), so I didnt think too much about it being contagious. I do believe that I transmitted it from my genitals to my mouth because I always bite the inside of my cheeks and I also have the tendency to put my hands in my mouth during sex or even during masturbation. That may be a bit too much personal information, but during the heat of the moment things can get messy. Hahaha. Its just one of those things! I probably wouldnt have done such a thing if I had known what the initial breakout was. There is also the large possibility I contracted orally through oral sex. I have had a few break outs on my lips (it looks exactly like HSV-1, oral herpes) and that is actually what made me go back to the doctor and get a more thorough test/examination. The doctor that called me regarding my positive test result said that HSV-2 is most likely causing the oral breakouts too.

From what I've heard HSV-2 doesnt normally prefer the oral area, and even though it may transfer there, it will not appear as frequently as HSV-1 which prefers the mouth.

 

So now, I am a chronic hand washer. Especially after reading online you can even transfer it to your eyes. I also have the tendency to crouch over the mirror once a week with a flashlight. LOL. It could be me just being paranoid, but its also the disadvantage of not having exterior genitalia.

 

Hope that helped!

[College_Guy12345]

It's weird you say that, I just had a pimple on my lip line and I thought it might be oral Herpes. It didn't look like it though and it disappeared in a few days as form my HSV-2 breakouts usually last up to a week, so I really can't be sure.

 

Really!? Rough sex can cause outbreaks? Great....lol. How can oral sex be normal now? I mean I know I can eat a girl out no problem before I put it in, but how can I get some mutual enjoyment? Isn't wearing a condom while your getting a blow job weird? I hate to think of sex being a job now, you know what I mean?

 

Do your outbreaks hurt if they're inside you? I really don't know how Herpes is for a woman, I'm sure there are similarities and differences. And you're not being paranoid by doing that, if you can't see or feel an outbreak how would you know it's there, so you're just taking care of yourself that's all.

[Carlos]

sup college_guy... the ladies here are so lovely, wise and compassionate. I will embrace every single word of advice they offer. I've been (h) positive for 10 years now--diagnosed at age 30--and like you... I'm real easy on the eyes ;) So my dating life took a blow; my self-esteem was bruised for a long time... yet, as time went on I learned that (h) is so common: 1 in every 5 peeps have HSV2, that feeling like damaged goods was just an illusion. Dude, I'm not going to sugar-coat anything... every time I meet someone I got the hots for, anxiety rises up... disclosure can be such a buzz-kill... especially when the first few dates feel so promising. Yet I remind myself of what my doctor told me back in Spring 2002: "see it as a blessing, be grateful is not HIV." I know, I know... that's downplaying it... but it's so true! The advice I give (to others and myself) is... protection is two-fold. If you caught (h)... which is insignificant... can you imagine what else you could catch by way of hook-ups and what not? Did you read that article that said that in 2 years Gonorrhea will be non-treatable because the infection has mutated into a stronger form and penicillin will not cure it? ...WORD. the opportunity (h) provides is a blessing in disguise ;)

 

having said all this... come back to this forum. stay in touch. ask questions. vent! no judgement. we all share your pain... and ultimately... your joy. Peace brother. C

[College_Guy12345]

Hey Carlos! Yea man you're right everyone on here is really cool and I appreciate any advice offered by anyone. Only this past week I've told a couple of my close friends about it and they were cool, I was pretty emotional about it and its was really hard but I guess it prepares me for when I tell someone I want to be with. Anyway, you're right on the gonorrhea subject, I hear it's developing into an even stronger disease and on the verge of becoming incurable in England especially according to the WHO (World Health Organization). Which sucks because I'm trying to get into Oxford for my master's degree. Lately in the news Glaxo-SmithKline (Pharmaceutical Giant) is facing a huge lawsuit for ineffective drugs. So basically that means the only real prevention is being honest with people and getting tested before having sex, because even if that person doesn't show symptoms doesn't mean they don't have it. Even more rampant than Herpes, HPV is probably spreading ten times more quickly and everyone reacts differently to it, genital warts is the most common side effect. So everyone has to be extremely careful now, for their own sake, I guess now I can understand if someone rejects having sex with me because it would be an unnecessary risk to them. I know it's not rejecting me it's just rejecting the risk, can't say I wouldn't do the same if it wasn't a serious relationship.

 

I appreciate you're input Carlos, if you want to talk more about it hit me up.

[Iris4]

College guy, I know what you mean about feeling naive when asking questions about how to be safe with sex now. I have read so many things on herpes, and I know probably most there is to know about the virus, yet when it comes to having sex I still don't feel like I know what is "right" and "okay" to do.

 

I went to a herpes live chat a few weeks ago and ended up speaking to this woman who I was asking some of the same questions you were asking. In my specific situation, I have genital HSV 1, and was wondering how oral sex feels with dental dams, in which she replied "they are not popular for a reason." She went on to tell me that she has had herpes for 14 years and has not been rejected once, also that the majority of her partners after a little while of being physically intimate decided to take the risk and not use protection. I was more excited about the fact that she said she never got rejected in 14 years, that gave me a lot of hope. The part about her partners taking the risk gave me hope as well, I just wonder if I would be willing to take the risk of passing it on.

 

I wish I had the answers we both are looking for but I have yet to find someone to tell me their own personal accounts of having sex with herpes. I, like others on this site have said, go through my ups and downs with it, and that's fine. If it wasn't herpes I was thinking about, it would be another issue I was dealing with. I really do have moments, as strange as this may sound, that I'm happy I have it because it's changed me in ways that I can't really explain. Yes, I do miss my life before where I felt more free with my sexuality and was able to do as I wished. I don't have that exact life now, but I feel like I've made changes that have made me a better, more thoughtful person because of it.

 

I like to think of it this way as well: I go on a lot of forums and read many people's experiences with herpes. Some of them that I read are very depressing and after reading it I somewhat internalize what the person has said, then believing that his/her situation is going to be my own. But the reality is that there are MILLIONS of people out there going through our exact same situation, thinking our same thoughts, feeling the same way we do. Some of those people have beautiful experiences with herpes, have the disclosure talk, are immediately accepted, etc. yet they don't go on forums and tell their story. I know this is a little off beat here, and ranting, but what I'm getting at is we still have beautiful opportunities, relationships, sex lives, ahead of us. Not all of what we read about this virus and other's experiences is going to be exactly like ours. I think h is what we choose to make of it, and if we look at it as just a small part of who we are, if we are honest and upfront with our partners and realize how it's not a big deal, then our life might be better than it was before. We are being more honest with ourselves and the people in our lives, I think that's a great foundation to start any relationship.

 

If you'd like to talk more on it, message me. It sounds like we're both in the same boat with wondering how to continue a safe sex life with h haha. Hope you are feeling better :)