Married with Herpes

[crb143]

Hi, I was recently diagnosed with HSV2 (and according to the blood work, recently contracted it). It came as such a shock to me, as I have been married for a year now (been with my husband for 3 years total) and thought I would never have to worry about STDs. My husband has never had an outbreak, and so he didn't even know he had it. Is there anyone else out there with a similar situation? Anyone else dealing with herpes that was transmitted from their current partner? Although we don't have the perfect marriage, things have been pretty wonderful. I am still healing from the initital outbreak, and so we haven't been intimate since the diagnosis. How do you take that first step back into the bedroom? How do you feel sexy again? And most importantly, how do you take this negative thing and make it positive for your marriage?

[mr_hopp]

Sometimes taking the first step back into the bedroom starts with just reconnecting. Like that whole cliché that the foreplay doesn't begin in the bedroom; it begins when you both wake up in the morning, throughout the workday, how you reconnect after work, etc. Whatever is in between you two that may be blocking intimacy may need to be spoken to or maybe not. Maybe it simply means speaking to what you want. "Hey babe, so we haven't had sex in a bit. I want you. Now. How do you feel about that?" :)

 

Since you both have herpes, then you just avoid sex during outbreaks. Other than that, your sex life doesn't have to change. But I get it that you're getting used to even the idea of having herpes and still processing that. A lot of feeling sexy again is realizing that whatever is having you feel less-than-bodacious is a relationship with your own thoughts about yourself. Do you feel desirable? Do you feel like he thinks you're desirable? It seems there's just been a bump (no pun intended) that you both have hit, but if you keep open lines of communication, the magic will naturally come back. In my experience, whatever is not being said between me and my partner is what keeps the natural flow of passion stagnant. It's like that's a kink in the hose. But after you speak to whatever is right there between you two and also talk about what you both want, then the hose gets unkinked and the natural attraction and love you have for each other is allowed to flow.

 

And how do you make this "negative" thing (which I don't think is inherently negative, but we can make it so) into a positive? Have whatever it is that needs to be spoken to, including your fears around herpes if they are there, be the link that brings you vulnerably back together. Even though you're not disclosing, reading through the e-book would be a good overview of the kind of perspective shift that can happen in your relationship, too. Have you read it yet? It's good. (If I do say so myself.) :)

 

Download it here: http://eepurl.com/b4IPP

[fyrefenyx]

Crb143

 

I contracted HSV2 from my bf. He didnt know he carried the virus. When he had a suspicion that he had it, he was open and honest with me. We both got tested. He was HSV2 + I was negative. I love him and wasnt leaving him. Evidently, over time Ive contracted it too. My Dx'd first OB was Oct 29 this year, my son's 16th bday. The month of Nov has been hard on me: OB has finally let up.

 

So, here I am in a long term relationship and we both have HSV2

[fyrefenyx]

Im in the same boat as you....Ive asked those same quests. Ive talked my fears and concerns over with my bf and i giess only time can tell. Weve calmed down on having sex but have focused on a nurturing intimate relationship in other ways...

 

He feels its made us closer

[WCSDancer2010]

"He feels its made us closer"

 

THAT is what H+ can do FOR us - force us to develop deeper relationships than we would otherwise. And that is a blessing that non H+ folks don't always get :)

[fyrefenyx]

:D

[crb143]

Thanks for the kind words everyone. And what a positive way to look at it....having it bring us closer... And it really is only me feeling that I am undesirable. He has asked me several times when I would feel comfortable to have sex again. And he tells me every day that I am beautiful. In fact, since we were diagnosed, he has made more of an effort to be loving and caring. I guess because it was my first OB, I am just a little worried it will happen again. I will definitely read the e-book Adrial! It may be the little push I need :)

[WCSDancer2010]

"And it really is only me feeling that I am undesirable."

 

BINGO!

 

You BF OBVIOUSLY desires you ... he may well be dealing with his own fears of being undesirable to you too... and he probably feels guilty that you got it (AND had the symptoms) while he just unwittingly carried it..... (this is the problem with the current system in that we are not tested for H when we go for STD tests.... something I am dedicated to changing...or at least educating people that they need to ASK for it).

 

The outbreaks may happen again (there is no rhyme/reason about why some never have another outbreak and some have them on a regular basis...BUT, they usually do subside over time). You may get Flu this winter too - but that doesn't stop you going out every day...ya know?

 

(((HUGS)))

[crb143]

Thanks WCSDancer2010! It is so nice to get someone's perspective on all of this. I never thought about how he may feel undesirable too! And I agree, we do need to change the current system for STD testing. I had no idea I had to ask to be tested for H at my annual visit to my obgyn. I thought when she asked if I wanted standard STD testing, H was included.

[WCSDancer2010]

Most people assume it is included. :(

 

One thing I hope people will start to do is to tell their friends (when the opportune times come up for such a discussion) that you just learned H (and Chlamydia or HPV for that matter) is not included in STD tests - it doesn't mean that anyone needs to disclose that they have it - just get the information out there to people. Maybe we can help start an information revolution around STD testing ... one conversation at a time :)

 

So glad to help you CRB ... keep us posted about your journey!

[crb143]

Thanks! I definitely will!