Another herpes disclosure on the horizon

[clementine]

So, I recently disclosed to someone who responded as wanting to be just friends. It was not great to hear, but I got over it. So a bit of back story for what I'm about to say....

 

A few weeks ago, shortly before I found out about the big H, I met this guy thorough a friend. We were out one one night and he was there, and we went home together. It was one of the best nights I've ever spent with anyone. He's only 22, though I'm only 26, but regardless. We exchanged numbers but I didn't hear him from for a couple of weeks. I didn't expect to hear from him at all, but I did, and he told me he wanted it see me again. Literally 2 days after I found out I had herpes, we spent a night together. We didn't have sex. I used the old period excuse. But it was amazing nevertheless. The other night he text me and told me he can't stop thinking about me and wants to spend more time with me. While it may sound like a booty call, he is currently in New Jersey, home for Christmas, and won't be back for almost three weeks. I'd like to believe that it's a bit more genuine since it's still going to be a few weeks before we can see each other again. We have a couple of weeks to talk, but I don't want to tell him via text or over the phone, but I'm so anxious...

 

I never expected this from him, but he's said some things that make me think he's interested in more than just a sexual relationship. I definitely am...and I've already gone over the 'script' in my head, but I'm so nervous about disclosing. Of all the men I've met since my separation, I've felt the most comfortable with him. The nights we spent together just felt, normal and...right. I guess I'm just looking for a little support until he's back. He's pretty great, and I'd really love for him to stick around.

[iamentj]

hey there clementine:

 

i can relate to how you feel, and i know all the possibilities can cause a lot of anxiety. i had to disclose to someone who i had strong feelings for, and with whom i didn't have immediate physical access to since he was serving overseas. i was ridiculously anxious about the conversation because of the feelings i had developed for this person, and i didn't want to ruin the already existing friendship or the possibility for more.

 

i decided to disclose over the phone (or rather, over Skype) and it went really well. while it is still uncertain if there is a possibility for more (given, that was a question anyway since we will not be in the same country in the foreseeable future since i'll be posted overseas as he is coming back), he reacted so kindly and with a lot of understanding. i explained that i debated when to tell him (i considered waiting because he didn't have immediate access to medical care and he wouldn't be able to get tested for months), and decided that he needed to know so he could make informed decisions (i.e. sleeping with other women). i also emphasized that this wasn't about placing blame, but making sure he was informed.

 

the fact that i put my own feelings aside and showed concern for his well-being made a significant impact on him. especially since i was showing concern over how this could impact his relationship with other women that weren't me. i think he was surprised that i took that into consideration, even though i had developed feelings for him. ever since then, he's gone out of his way to reach out and ask me how i've been doing. maybe we won't have a relationship in the future, but we will have a good friendship.

 

so whether you decide to disclose over the phone or in person, be positive. don't be apologetic - short of being already well informed about herpes and the fact that the herpes test isn't included in the standard std screening - there was not much you could have done before you had your outbreak. don't place blame on him, a previous partner, or even yourself. state it as facts, and if he's a reasonable human being he will react in a reasonable way.

 

and if he's not, or if he rejects you outright, then it's possible that you saved yourself some hurt down the road. if he really cares for you, as your instincts tell you, then he'll at least take some time to consider and weigh his options. it might not turn out the way you want, but there is just as much of a chance that it could. whatever the result, be confident in yourself and your self worth. and be confident that you will find someone who will want to go down this road with you because they care about the whole of you.

 

be strong, and good luck!

 

 

 

 

[WCSDancer2010]

clementine

 

First, good for you for "getting back on the horse". Anyone who has done any dangerous sport knows that when you fall, you have to get right back in the game again and not let the fear stop you from trying again.

 

I think when the time comes to disclose, you may want to remind him of the time you said you were on your period. Tell him you had just learned that you had Herpes and you were still dealing with understanding it and coping with it...AND, even though you wanted to do more than just "spend the night", you didn't want to risk passing it to him. That you are telling him now because you want to keep getting to know him better, and that you feel comfortable with entrusting him with that info. That you know now what you can do to protect him. That you can cut his risk to 1-2%. etc.

 

Just look at the last 2 success stories this week.... neither were delivered in an "ideal" way but both were far more successful than the OP's expectations,,,, keep them in mind when the time comes for you to disclose :)

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2034/oral-hsv2-very-confusing-symptoms-anyone-else#Item_2

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2056/semi-success-i-dont-know-just-read-it-#Item_19

 

One thing you may want to work on is letting go of Attachment. Go to this website and read it - esp the "Outcomes" section. It's the biggest thing that will help you through your disclosure ... http://zenhabits.net/zen-attachment/

 

And (((HUGS))) - I'll be cheering you on from here!