I gave him my love, he gave me herpes

[LostNConfused]

So I went to the hospital yesterday, thought I was having an allergic reaction to a new shaving cream. When the doc examined me he said he believes I have herpes. I am still waiting for the lab results to confirm, but there really is no need for that. Im already in a pretty sticky situation as far as my love life. I am 21, however I don't feel look or act that young, I grew up a long time ago. I have a year and a half year old daughter, and a house with her father (ive known him for 3 years) we are not together and never really were though we tried to make it work for our daughter. A few months ago I reconnected with my MIDDLE SCHOOL (6th through 8th grade) boyfriend who I haven't seen or talked to in 10 years. It was amazing when we saw eachother again it was like nothing between us changed, we just grew up, since we reconnected, we have been together, he has proposed and we are trying to have a baby. In the last 3 years I have only slept with my baby's father and now my childhood boo. I have been tested on a regular basis for STDs and haven't had sex with anyone except my fiancé since. So I am 200% sure he gave it to me. I am currently awaiting his arrival to discuss it with him. I don't know what to say, or how to say it. I am not mad at him right now, but I will be if it turns out that he knew and did not inform me. After we had sex for the first time (we never did when we were together back in school) he said to me afterwords "you know your mine now right?" My sentimental ass thought it was sweet, but now I can't help but think that he knew he had herpes and knew he just gave it to me and wasn't coming out and saying it. I don't want this to change anything between us. We have such a great relationship. But if he didn't know he had it, I don't know how he is going to act and feel about it. So now im trying to deal with the physical pain im feeling, the emotional pain, feeling like im dirty and ashamed that this is something that is not going to go away, and im stressing about how this conversation is going to go with him. I feel so lonely right now and im hoping that once I have the conversation with him we can be eachothers support, but I don't know how he is going to respond. I want to spend the rest of my life with this man that gave me this infection, but im dreading this convo, what if he doesn't believe that he is the one who gave it to me? What if he ends it with me because he thinks I gave it to him? How do i tell him HE gave it to ME with out sounding like im blaming him and im mad. Honestly I am feeling some anger but mostly with my self for not making him get tested before we did anything. But the way I see it, it doesn't matter, i am inlove with him and probably wouldnt have let it change anything if he did get tested and i knew he had it. But what if he doesnt feel the same way? Why can't my life be normal? Why does all the "extra" stuff always have to happen to me?

[peterk]

Welcome to the club Miss.

 

If you look through a lot of the discussions here you will find dozens of similar stories as yours. My opinion based on your story is that he has had it a long time so he didn't think he was active enough to give it to you, He'll believe you but I don't know what his feelings are about you so its hard to know which way he is going to go.

 

Soon some others will post some good advice so be patient.

[HerryTheHerp]

"What if?" Man, that's a question we all know very well. What if I wouldn't have slept with him/her? What if I wouldn't have rushed things? What if I would have insisted on condoms, or HSV tests beforehand?

 

Stay away from "what if" because it'll eat at you until there's nothing left. You can ask the question a million times and it doesn't change "What is." And, what is happens to be the Herpster, the herp man, the herpetic pain in the arse. You've got a new buddy and he is going to follow you around for the rest of your life. Make him your friend and you'll soon start to get along.

 

As far as the relationship, well, honesty is always the best policy. Especially since you have a child. That honesty is what a relationship should be built upon. Sure, he'll be freaked out. We all were/are. It's a big deal at first, but it subsides. In the end, if you can't talk about this, then how are you going to discuss child care, finances, futures, and the things that grow in a relationship?

 

My advice, do your research first. Know everything you can about this virus, how it's transmitted, how 80% of people don't know they have it, and how you can protect him if he doesn't have it. The more you know, the more he'll feel comfortable.

 

Oh, and you're not alone. Far from it. 1 in every 4 women in America has this virus inside her right now. One in Four. That's a big number. Think about that the next time you go shopping, or out to a ballgame, or simply sitting in a restaurant. Look around. Who has it? Who doesn't? You can't tell, and neither can they. Neither could most of us when we came into contact with it, and most of us were pretty gosh darn careful people.

 

So, stop beating yourself up. Get educated on the topic. Practice your speech. Don't accuse, just educate. And, think positive. Good things really do come to people who keep their chin up in rough times.

[WCSDancer2010]

LostNConfused

 

First - Welcome to the Forum - glad you found us. You will soon find you are not alone and many, many have been through what you are going through and have survived and gone on to have amazing, wonderful relationships with both H+ and H- partners.

 

The first thing you need to do is to get educated. The best crash course is in these handouts and ebook - print them out and have them on hand to show your BF when you talk to him.

 

Handouts:

http://bit.ly/h-opp-diagnosis-handout

http://bit.ly/h-opp-disclosure-handout

 

Disclosure e-book:

http://eepurl.com/b4IPP

 

Regarding whether your BF knew or not...... right now nobody knows except him. 80% of people have herpes and 80% of them don't know they have it. Many know they have cold sores but don't know they can transfer it to the genitals. Many know they have Herpes but believe because they are not having outbreaks, that they are not going to pass it on so they don't think they need to disclose to people unless they have an outbreak. And many, MANY more never have an OB and have no idea that they have it. They may even have had plenty of STD tests thinking they were tested for Herpes when in fact they were only tested for Syphilis, Gonorrhea, and HIV. There are sooo many factors that are at play here. UNTIL your talk to him, the jury is completely out. So don't let other peoples "opinions" scare you regarding whether he knew or not.

 

We are here to support you while you deal with adjusting our little H-buddy. He really isn't that horrid once you get used to him. I've had it for 35 years - yes, it's a nuisance skin condition. Yes, some people are asses about it when they find you you have it ... but that is just an indication that you don't need them in your life. Herpes has a way of getting the negative people out of your life.

 

For now - BREATHE - and know you WILL be fine in the long run and we are here to help you

 

(((HUGS)))