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Herpes outbreaks, or rather the lack thereof

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I was painfully diagnosed ( oh my gosh was it ever painful, I hate to get into details...but I could hardly walk!) with herpes five years ago. I was going through an addiction and not respecting my body very well. I didn't tell a soul, and after the outbreak I went through denial, pretending I didn't have herpes. Fast forward four years later, I met an outstanding man that I can to understand more and more to be the one. I had the talk, and to my shock and awe, he accepted me. We are set to get married, and since he wants to marry me, he said that he didn't want to use condoms...that I was worth the risk. He's gotten tested, and he hasn't contracted the virus. Which brings me to my reason for this post:

I haven't had an outbreak since my very first one, the one that let me know I had herpes. Is it possible that I never will? And what are the dangers of passing it o n to my lover, and if contracted...will he be as lucky as me and never have outbreaks? What is the right way to go about our sex life? I want to protect him, I don't think he knows how painful outbreaks can be.

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Violet, this is an awesome story and one that all of us single folk need to read! It proves that true love is truly stronger than this nasty li'l virus is made out to be.


No OB's? Oh, lucky you. That's good, but not necessarily true. OB's don't always show up as bumps and blisters. Sometimes they can be as mild as a tingle or two and a little extra sensitive skin and you just never notice them. Or, you may be one of the lucky few that doesn't ever get them. Both are possible, and yes, it is possible you will never have an outbreak. The woman who set my heart and penis on fire hasn't had one since her first OB. I've had HSV1 orally for 30 years, and for the past 20 of those I haven't seen a cold sore. So, yes, possible is always part of the equation...and if you ask me, it has to do with your mental attitude as much as your antibody levels. The mind is a truly powerful weapon against this virus.


The risks of passing it to your partner are primarily through viral shedding. Sometimes you'll know this is happening, most of the time you won't. It's a crapshoot. Statistically, your hubby to be has about a 4 - 10% chance of contracting it with each act...even if he uses a rubber shield during his exploration of your body. How his body would react is also up to question. We all react differently and you won't know until you cross that bridge (hopefully, you won't have to.)


Estimates vary regarding how "contagious" we virally enhanced folks are. On the low end, about 5%, and on the high end about 20%. If these estimates are to be believed we're shedding between 18 and 73 days a year...and usually don't know when. Since some women have discovered that hormones/periods can trigger outbreaks, you may want to refrain from the mattress mambo around your period to reduce the risk a little bit as you might be silently shedding during that time.


Right way to go about your sex life? Missionary, Doggy, Cowgirl, and Reverse Cowgirl come highly recommended, but do what feels good to you. If things get boring, you can spice things up with some body chocolates, red wine and roses, and if he gets to being a naughty boy who leaves the seat up, handcuffs and whips might be a safe thing to have hanging from the wall.



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Harry is right on the mark - tho the F-M transmission is about 4% M-F is the 10% risk (yeah, we women get screwed, as it were, again. As if Periods, PMS, Labo, and Menopause wasn't enough!)


So you start with 4% risk - if you take supressants like Valtrex your risk goes to 2% - add your favorite condom and you go down to 1% risk. So you guys need to talk about what his feelings are about the risk factors.


I would read up on these and print them for your partner to read too - then have your conversation about what you want to do. There is no "right" way ... it's about being honest about what each of you are willing to do to protect him.






Disclosure e-book:



Good luck! And so glad to hear your story!



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