Screaming in silence? Not anymore!

[JustSmile]

First I just want to say this site is utterly amazing! Kudos, hugs and much love to Adrial.

 

I believe one of the first steps of healing is sharing, and then accepting yourself for everything you are. mistakes and flaws especially! So here's my story! (being told in its entirety for the first time)

 

I am 27 years old and unknown to me my story started about year ago. I met a guy and he was great! a musician, animal lover, a mans man! could fix anything, or build anything. I was in awe of all his talents and all it took was one song written and sang for me and i was hooked! lol We spent a few months together during the holidays. Traveled to a few places and just genuinley had fun together! a short time after i had ran into an old friend and when i told him about my new beau he abruptly informed me that this fellow had given his wifes' friend herpes. "omg! wth!" I was mortified. So i confronted him and his response was "omg thats totally not true! She hated me after we broke up and started spreading rumors to people that i gave her stds" in my brain i thought oh my goodness what a relief. (girls are crazy, right?! - totally kidding but thats how i denied it in my head) Well that relationship was short lived (nothing to do with hsv in anyway) it only lasted a couple more months and then the differences we had came to light and i decided this no longer fullfilled me or made me happy. I spent this past summer living the dream! Doing all the things i love so much. Running, hiking, boating, partying with my friends and spending as much quality time with my son as i could. (a couple hook ups in there as well but nothing serious) I just wanted to be single and free and live my life for me & my son!

 

End of summer i meet an incredible guy who ruined my "this is my life" plans lol. We spent the end of summer in a whirlwind of a romance. (i know cheesy but its true) Driving to the beach, going skydiving, jet skiing, boating...all these wonderful things that made me oh so happy! For the first time in my life i thought everything was falling into place. Until that day! What i thought was a yeast infection had me making an appt with my gyn after it wouldn't go away with the 3 day treatment. a day or two before my appt i noticed a blister, just one blister. OMG the conversation i had with my old friend about "your bf gave my friend herpes" rang in my ears. Its all i could think about for days. Convincing myself that its not possible. "I havent slept with him in over 8 months. noway, there is just noway" I dreaded telling my new guy for fear that he was going to leave, and the idea of loosing him was too much to deal with on top of wondering what the hell was going on in my body. SO I decided to tell him i had some type of BV (which i did) and we couldn't sleep together until i saw the Dr. I spent the next week crying. Literally ALL the time. Anytime i was alone. In the car, in the shower, at home, in the bathroom at work. It was horrible. My appt came and went with little information and NO comfort from the Dr. I left her office RX in hand feeling so lost, confused and scared. I didnt even get a pamphlet lol I had beat myself up over it so much within the week of waiting for my results that when i did finally get the call I couldn't even cry anymore.

 

That was a month ago. The day before thanksgiving actually. So here I am... hating myself, hating "HIM" and wondering if he had known and lied to me, or if he really just didnt know. My boyfriend went and got the blood test done, and of course postive. DOUBLE WHAMMY! So now I had to deal with this on a personal level, and also deal with the guilt of knowing that i've done this to someone i care so deeply for. We had a brief conversation about this that went something like him saying: "I love you, it is what it is, we will get through this, i'd rather deal with this with you then without you" Wow! So much love! and yet i feel so undeserving! After that we've never uttered a single word to each other about it again. IDK if its too hard to bring up, or if it really doesnt bother him? (at this point he has had no physical symptoms)

 

I have dealth with a range of emotions, anger, hatred, sadness, denial (thats the big one how can I deny this? its right there, i can literally see you down there and i hate you) lol after giving up the things i love.. working out, running, playing with my son... i turned into a couch potato. It took soo much energy to be happy and joyous at work by the time i got home i was exhausted. I just wanted to cry and lay on my couch and watch happy things on tv to make me forget.

 

Til now!! I am no longer going to be a victim. I will not scream in silence on my couch, or cry hysterically in my shower. I have a good job, my own place to live, im a strong single mother, a beautiful human being and i will not be crushed by a skin disease. last week I started running again, and working out daily, reading with my son, and doing all the things as a mother that i love so much!

I found this website and if nothing else, if I get nothing or can contribute nothing to the world, just typing this story and having a few people reach out to me has made a world of difference. I am very much looking fwd to meeting or chatting with people and reading others stories. I thank everyone here who had the courage to "get off the couch" and be heard. It really does help just to put it all out there. Its beautiful what a few kind words and an open mind can do for the soul!

 

Hugs to you all. I am honored to be apart of this :-)

[Peachyogurtisawesome]

I felt the same way when i left the doctors office. Just confused. i mean he was great and all being supportive but i really had no real understanding if what i had just his reassurance that it wasn't all that bad. I have been working out like a beast since finding out and ihave lost 15 pounds in 3 months. I feel like i could go on a infomercial for herpes. "And since I've joined the herpes diet I've dropped 15 pounds since joining and you can do it too. Join herpes diet . com today lol. I'm 30 yrs old and if you ever want an h buddy I'm here. I like trueblood katy perry miranda lambert and have 2. kids.. I cant stand people who make it a point to make people seem intellectually inferior and if i sound like your kind of people just hit me up as an h buddy.

[WCSDancer2010]

@JustSmile

 

First - welcome to the forum! Your story is sooo typical...you are not alone in this and I promise you it will all work out ok.

 

So here's my thoughts:

 

I would venture to guess you got it from this current BF.

 

1) because of the time between your ending of the other relationship and your first OB and

2) Time from when you started this relationship and his positive result. This early, it's hard to get a true positive result. If his numbers were a "no doubt" positive, he could well have been carrying it and not known it. And you say he said at this point he has had no physical symptoms) so he could well have been carrying and not known it.

 

In the end, you probably will never know, but this info may help you let go of the issue about the ex and the "possibility" that he has it.

 

So glad to see that you have chosen to stop being the victim and have taken your life back! Herpes is a pain in the arse, but it's not the end of our lives...and you sound like you have a lovely man at your side. Good for you!

 

Peace :0

[JustSmile]

@peachyogurt. L.O.L thanks for the giggle! Atleast I can look fwd look a good bikini body this summer:) and yes I'd love to chat sometime. Thanks for reaching out. ♡

 

@wcs - thanks for the input. I've found myself obsessing over who gave it to who. Moreso at the beginning bc like you said.. doesn't matter now. But when I was tested my dr said its impossible to track where/when/who passed hsv to me. She did say that the antibodies were"changing over" so she could say that the exposure was within the last 6 ISH months (ish? Ok so maybe 8?) Who knows. His dr said he tested positive for one and neg for another meaning it was very recent exposure or dormant. So its anybodys guess at this point. Just frustrating when all you want are some damn answers and it seems like nobody has them :-/

 

I

 

[WCSDancer2010]

Yeah - I hope we can get better tests AND get some system in place where everyone gets tested so at least some of these issues of who got it from who will be resolved in the future.....

 

And it's a good lesson in life - sometimes there isn't an answer...it just is what it is.... ;)

[JustSmile]

Amen sister ♡