What does this mean? Finding the right words to say "I have herpes"

[Mel_b]

Long sad story..

[JustSmile]

Hey Mel! Welcome :-)

 

Our situations are pretty similar as far as finding out about H after already being in a committed relationship. So let me say from experience... the longer you wait to tell him, the more you will feel guilty and the worse you are going to feel about yourself. I spent the week while waiting for my results, and then about 3 or 4 days after the Dr called and told me my diagnosis before telling me BF. I cried the entire time mainly b/c i thought for sure he was going to get angry and leave. However; he was totally supportive and said he wasn't going anywhere and that we'd get through it together. We slept together for 4 months with NO signs or symptoms, so it was a total shock for us both. We both have it (he got the blood test done) Although we dont talk about it at all anymore we've both agreed to stand by each other and deal with it together. So maybe you should just tell him. Its a hard pill to swallow and really hard to say out loud, but once you do his reaction might be exactly what you need to start feeling better and accepting this. Hopefully he will support and stick by you and thats the first step to heal... not to mention you'll have someone to go through the journey with you. :-)

[Mel_b]

Thank you for responding!!!! I've read the stories on here and I just feel relieved that I'm not alone and life is not over. Can I ask how did you tell him? What did he say? @JustSmile

[WCSDancer2010]

Mel_b

 

First - Welcome to the Forum. So glad you found us.....this is the BEST place to get support and information :)

 

So here's the deal. I'm guessing you've at least carried the Chlamydia for awhile (and be thankful something came up to let you know about it before it developed into something worse). The herpes issue...well, given his timing and yours, who knows who gave it to who? I'm guessing again it was you but seeing as he broke out first, who knows? And to be honest, it won't do anyone any good to drive themselves nuts trying to figure it out. So lets just get to "what's so". You have Herpes. Sounds like he does too. And I just want you to take this in... he got the blisters and didn't do anything about it...because it hasn't occurred to him that it may be Herpes. THAT is how this is spread... people have symptoms of Flu and accept that is what they had... and if the outbreak is small enough, they think it's just an ingrown hair. I say all the time... Herpes is a slippery little bugger.... that's why he is do good at getting around :(

 

You need to talk to him NOW. Well, not this minute. Get yourself educated first.... because that will help you feel a little more confident about it. Read Adrials handouts and print out the Disclosure and the e-book for your partner. Remember he will be dealing with the information in his own way...so don't freak if he needs to go off and have a little time on his own to process it. Thats not unusual and it doesn't mean he won't be back. It sounds like he likes you enough that he really values who you ARE ... and you are STILL that person. Don't let Herpes re-define you. Nothing about YOU has changed... you just now have a viral skin condition in an awkward place. It doesn't make you dirty or unlovable. You were not that before and you are not that now.

 

Handouts:

http://bit.ly/h-opp-diagnosis-handout

http://bit.ly/h-opp-disclosure-handout

 

Disclosure e-book:

http://eepurl.com/b4IPP

 

I'm not a bad person, I've made mistakes.

 

Herpes is an Equal Opportunity virus. It loves the rich, the poor, the old, the young (HSV1 or cold sores is rampant in very young kids... as an adult, noone tells us it's now an STD if youlike oral sex). It likes you if you are black or white. Nice or nasty. Really. It is a true equalizer of people. And it doesn't change who any of us ARE.

 

So print out those papers and then have your talk. If you can get him on here, then great! Let us help him through his journey if he needs the support. If he needs to talk to a professional, I'd strongly suggest that you tell him to either go to Planned Parenthood, an STD clinic, or a Urologist because most Family doctors are sadly very poorly informed about Herpes.....let him know you tried to do some research to see what you are dealing with and you realize he needs to be informed and he needs to understand the FACTS. Then give him the handout....and let him process it as he needs to.

 

(((HUGS))) my friend. You WILL come through this.... it IS a challenge and I know you will have to just process this one step at a time...just don't try to do it alone. Come here for support, to rant, or to get more info. We are here for you :)

 

Peace

[JustSmile]

You are def not alone! There are good days and bad days and worse days lol but you are not alone in any of those feelings :-)

 

Well i thought i had a really bad yeast infection so when I made my appt i told him that i was going to get tested and i wanted him to do the same. I sorta felt like something wasn't right. So he went a few days after me. Knowing he was going to get his results anyway i almost thought about letting him tell me first. Eventually i couldn't handle looking in his face everyday knowing what i knew and not telling him. Thats as bad as a lie (at this point i was on antibiotics for BV. - double whammy, so we werent having sex, so thats how i rationalized not telling him right away) One day i was just like "I got my results back. Everything else was negative, but it came back positive for herpes. Did you get yours back yet?"

 

I just blurted it out. I was such a coward for so long (that week and some odd days felt like an ENTERITY) that was the only way i could do it without "um i have to tell you something... "um dont be mad at me ok?.. "um your not going to be happy about this but... So i just said it straight forward. I prepared myself mentally for him to leave if his test was negative, but before he even knew his results he said he wasnt going anywhere. Relief washed over me... and at that moment i started feeling better. Did my research, found this site, and slowly been climbing up out of the hole i fell into a few months ago. Im sure there are better ways then just "hey i have herpes" lol but for me i just wanted to say it... be done with it. regardless of the outcome. ya know?

 

[Mel_b]

Also did he know he had it?

[JustSmile]

The day i told him he didnt know yet. He called his Dr and asked if they had his results yet. They didn't and the Dr said he would check on them and call him back. The next day he got the call and thats when he found out that he was pos too.

SO we dont know who gave it to who.

[Mel_b]

It's kind of hard taking all this in especially when I'm doing this alone for now. Everyone that knows me says I'm different. I'm just scared to tell someone. :(

[JustSmile]

Yeah I know. I remember those feelings all too well. I literally spent that week in my shower in the fetal position. Its too easy to let it get you down. What you need to do is dig down deep and find your inner strength and rise above the crap the stigma puts in your head. b/c it really is going to be ok. There are many veterans here that can attest to that. Not saying you wont have moments of "ew i hate myself" i just had one the other day, but you have to find a way to love yourself again. Bumps and all :-/

 

If he really does care about you though he isn't going to run for the hills. Esp if he has it too. What would be the point in that? :-)

 

You can PM me anytime if you want! xo

[WCSDancer2010]

Mel_b..

 

Do you have a good friend that you can talk to. Someone you know won't judge you? Because that is a great place to start.... it helps to have a friend who knows... once you take that step, it seems to help take some of the stigma away.

 

Otherwise we are here to help you process things and to help you work your way to acceptance....

 

(((HUGS)))

[HerryTheHerp]

Hey Mel,

 

God doesn't negotiate. I've tried bargaining with him all day but he's being a little stubborn. Keeps throwing that whole "I created the world in 6 days, and you can't even get the laundry in the machine in 8" bit right back at me. He's a tough negotiator.

 

But, he's a great listener. He's also a great friend. He'll listen to your problems, your concerns, and your fears; then he'll guide you to the resources and friends who can help you. That's just the way he works and that's why you're here. Kind of wish he worked the other way because if he did I would have married Erin Taylor years ago and we'd be living in our mansion in Malibu right now raising our absolutely adorable children as I polish my Ferrari, but alas, I digress.

 

Keep talking with your boyfriend. Keep reassuring each other. You're a team, and you shouldn't let something like this break you apart. Herpes is a dangerous virus not because of the physical damage it can cause, but because of the emotional havoc it can wreak. That said, you two sound like you really care for each other. If you go through this together, hand in hand, arm in arm, well, neither of you two are ever going to have to worry about dating ever again because you've found that one person the Almighty wanted you to find.

 

For now, take care of the medical side of things, just don't neglect the emotional/relationship side. This man cares about you, and he wants to be there for you, and with you. Be there for each other and you're gong to discover that your prayers have been answered in spades.