First Herpes Talk & Experience

[cindy29]

Hello,

 

I'm in my mid twenties and I've had Herpes for over two years now. I got it from my ex boyfriend (dated for five years) who cheated on me. I spent a year putting myself back together before jumping back into the dating scene. Recently I met a wonderful man (in his mid thirties) online. He is confident, funny, caring, affectionate and we have so much chemistry and the connection feels real.

 

We've been dating for a few weeks now (haven't had sex yet) and last night I finally sat him down and had the talk. I am starting to really care for him and I feel like he is genuinely interested in me. He's willing to listen and understanding too but it was still very difficult and emotional. I think I handled it pretty well considering it's my first time telling anyone. I asked him to let me say everything I needed to say before commenting and after a few tries I told him how I got it, the facts and my concerns.

 

He held me the entire time and was angry at my ex for putting me in this situation. He asked me what the doctors have said and what it means. I answered his questions the best I could given how emotional I was and asked him if he wanted me to leave and he told me not to be silly. He even asked me to stay the night. We ended up hugging for a long time but I could tell he was deep in thought so I left to give him some space to think. He walked me down to take a taxi and I asked him if I was never going to hear from him again and he told me not to think like that and held me.

 

The next day he did text me and he was very honest and told me that he wasn't sure if it was something he could handle but that he did really like me and that there was no judgement at all. He even made plans to meet again on the weekend ... but I'm afraid that he's going to back out because he said he's not sure he could handle it ... so there isn't really a definite answer. I keep wondering if he'll change his mind, if he'll start acting weird around me, if he won't want to be intimate with me after all.

 

To make matters worse and because of my own insecurities I checked his online profile and saw that he had logged on this morning when he hadn't at all before. Doesn't that mean he's looking for someone else? But if so why is he talking to me and making plans? Is it because he's confused? What happens after you have the talk? Or do I just have to meet him and find out?

 

I've never gone through this before so any help and advice would be greatly appreciated!

[HerryTheHerp]

Mid-Thirties guy here, acquired it from a woman who was cheating on her boyfriend, so I can kind of relate to your story a little bit.

 

That first disclosure can be scary. No matter how much you rehearse it or prepare for it, it can get jumbled and you're going to be nervous. It sounds like that's exactly what happened. That's ok. You went up to bat, and instead of hitting a home run, you got a base hit. You're still in the ballgame, though. The fact that he didn't bolt right away, asked you to stay, and you guys spent the evening cuddling is a pretty good indication of that.

 

So, you've got another date. That means you can still run the bases (sorry, I'm anxious for Spring Training, so it's baseball advice mode today!)

 

So, he's not sure if he could handle it? Well, that's normal. None of us are sure at first, and it's a pretty big thing to consider. Don't get too nervous over that and you fully expected him to go home, ponder it, think about it, rationalize, etc. That's why you told him. Remember, you've had two years to process it. He's had a few days. He knows he has a choice, and he knows you didn't. The fact that he empathized with you is a pretty good sign. He's mature, responsible, and he sounds like he really does care. Sounds like he's a good one, but you've only known him a few weeks. Get to know him, and get to know him real well and then see where it goes.

 

Now, you've got a chance to change the line-up a bit. Did you talk to him about suppressive therapy? Did you tell him that you can go on suppressives, use condoms, not have sex during an outbreak and reduce the transmission risk to about 2%? If you didn't, you need to. That's a big piece of news that he may discover on his own, but go ahead and tell him if you haven't.

 

Don't rush things or go into stalker paranoia mode. That will smother him and push him away. Just be you. Let him fall in love with you gradually, and remember, the more comfortable and confident you are, the more comfortable and confident he will be. He's going to respect you for telling him, and that will go a long way towards how he feels about you and how he wants to pursue things. He's also going to respond to your cues. Thus, if you're nervous, embarrassed, ashamed, well, that will put him into those mindsets as well. Conversely, if you keep telling yourself it's just a little skin condition that's no different than a cold sore on a lip, he's going to adopt that mindset as well and all the folks down in Mudville are going to cheer you on.

 

I can guarantee you he's gone online and started researching. He probably knows just how insignificant the physical damage is if he's gone to reading instead of just looking at those awful pics Google puts up, and by now, he's read, and seen, how significant the emotional/psychological impact can be. You showed that to him. If he's serious about you as a person and a long-term relationship, and not just a roll in the hay, well, he's going to get to know you better and take it from there.

 

Bottom line, you opened your heart and shared a deeply personal and painful secret with someone you are just getting to know. It felt right, you took a big chance, and he held you in his arms without running away. It's still the first inning, and way too early to call the game either way. Just hold your head up high, be honest, be open, and see what happens during your next at bat this weekend.

 

 

 

[WCSDancer2010]

cindy29

 

First - welcome..... so glad you found us. This is a great place for support and information..... and that's where I'm going to start. Sounds like you did a good job with your disclosure.... as good as we can hope for. All we can do is be open and honest and then let our H friend show us who the other person is.

 

I'd suggest that you read and print out the handouts before your next date... get familiar with the facts/statistics. You didn't mention if you have HSV1 or 2 but that does make a little difference in your stats... so get yourself educated first.

 

Handouts:

http://bit.ly/h-opp-diagnosis-handout

http://bit.ly/h-opp-disclosure-handout

 

Disclosure e-book:

http://eepurl.com/b4IPP

 

Next - one thing I tell guys when I disclose. *I* know I have this... 80% of those with Herpes don't even know they have it and they will genuinely tell you they are clean because they believe they are. They will believe because they never had a blister they are clean and they will think they were tested when odds are they were not. So if they walk away, they need to do so knowing that they will need to be a LOT more informed before they date again and the ONLY way to cover their ass will be to see the other person's STD results (which means getting theirs done tooo between EVERY partner... and BTW, does he know if he has had ALL the STD tests because odds are he hasn't :/ )

 

I tell them no, you can't see or tell who has it. That odds are they have actually BEEN with someone (at LEAST one!) who has it if they are at all sexually active and maybe they got lucky and dodged a bullet. And that *I* can take supressives and we can use condoms (I'm really interested to use the F2C female condom Herry and others have mentioned on here) and his risk will be less than the possibility of his getting in a nasty car accident. That if they like Oral Sex they better be asking about Cold sores too, because half of the genital cases nowadays are from that. Then, I let them make their choice about what they want to do.

 

Now, usually this is a LOT of info and they will be scared silly...and so they should be.....because they (like us, before we got our little friend) have been blissfully ignorant about STD's. They, like us, bought into the "condoms will protect you from everything" pitch when we now know that HPV and Herpes are sneaky bastards who often manage to get around that barrier anyway. They, like us, didn't want to have that hard conversation before EVERY sexual encounter (the one we should ALL be having... with or without STD's) where we make darned sure the person really WAS tested by seeing it ourselves and not taking their word for it (because many *think* they were tested and will honestly not know they are carrying H). And they may walk away... but if they do, IMO, they were not that into you anyway. I have a saying I use... "They were not that into YOU ... they just wanted to GET into you". And even if they WERE into YOU, if they walk, that means they are not willing to deal with adversity with you.... and that tells you something about them too. Because odds are, at some point in every relationship, you have that point where you have a challenge like this, or a job loss, or death of a loved one, whatever...and you need to know they will stand by you through everything that comes your way.

 

So BREATHE my friend, get educated, and trust that things will work out exactly as they should.

 

(((HUGS)))

[HerryTheHerp]

Yeah, everything she said with one exception.

 

We have to stop using the word "clean" when it comes to this. Many of us already have the psychological stigma of feeling "dirty" by having this. We have to get into, and stay in the habit of saying "positive/negative." Otherwise, we are helping to promote the stigma and denigrate the wonderful, beautiful, and amazing people we are.

[WCSDancer2010]

True - I stand corrected Herry :)

[cindy29]

Thank you both Herry & Dancer! It makes all the difference to have someone to talk to. This website is just amazing and I'm glad I ended up here.

 

I have genital herpes not oral herpes and I did manage to get in some facts. I told him about taking suppressant meds and condoms and the low risks involved. I told him I've only had one outbreak since and that it was manageable with meds. I told him that I only found out at first because I am responsible and do take care of myself by getting yearly body checks (even before I had herpes) but I did all that while being very emotional and insecure because I was afraid that he would leave, afraid that I would be rejected and in a way I felt shame because I felt broken. I've spent a lot of time working on this and 99% of the time I don't feel this way but I like this guy and telling him just brought all of my insecurities back in the moment.

 

He did tell me that he didn't think I was broken and that I shouldn't feel that way. That there was no judgement and that I shouldn't be upset because of what I said that night. He said I was brave and that it must be hard to go through such a big issue by myself. All great but he did check out his online profile the next morning!

 

But I do want to say an extra thank you to Herry just for reminding me not to be stalkerish and letting my insecurities get the better of me. It's just easier to over analyze the bad and forget the good signs too because part of me is expecting him to get up and get out but I think deep down there's a part of me that believes he is decent and genuine too otherwise I wouldn't have felt it was right to tell him. I will try to hold onto that hope and be myself on our next date.

 

Dancer, I do want to tell him that he's ask more risk being with someone who has never had a body check and doesn't know what they have or don't have ... but I know that because he knows that it's a definite risk with me makes all the difference. I'm just not sure how to do it! I don't want to make all our conversation about this one issue. It is not what defines me and he is aware of that too. Do I bring it up on our date or wait until he talks about this again? What if he doesn't?

 

I'm pretty sure he went online and started researching too. When he faces a problem he usually spends a lot of time exercising and thinking about it over and over until he can rationalize it. And the fact that he is still texting me (although not as often but I think he does need some space right now so I'm taking his lead and only replying rather than badgering him with messages) does give me hope that he's not in it just to get in my pants and that his feelings are genuine too. I guess I will have to wait and see, maybe him checking his online profile is because he is unsure and afraid I hope that he'll be able to rationalize it and come to some sort of decision soon. Meanwhile I will try my very best to remain my fun silly and happy self and hope that he sees that part of me as more important than this one thing.

 

Thank you SO much for taking the time to read and respond! Hopefully I'll have good news to share ... if not I'll eat a tub of ice cream or something yummy and try and move on the best I can.

 

 

[WCSDancer2010]

All great but he did check out his online profile the next morning!

 

Well if he goes online he will be able to see you went online too so *he* could think you were checking out your messages too ;) ... he may have had a notice that he had a message and just gone on to let them know he's not available ... you never know. Don't overthink it....

 

I would take his lead on talking about it but if he is on the fence with his "fears", then it's a valid point that he may not have thought about. I really feel that dating is currently a minefield for STD's unless you are really really strict about seeing STD results before you get involved. Most people I know just take the other person's word for their status. It's how most of us got here. Point that out to him. Point out to him that even people like Magic Johnson who have HIV have lived for 20+ years and not passed stuff on because they know they have it and they know how to manage it. And then perhaps suggest that if he really values you and the possibility of a relationship with you, that you just go really slow and don't get sexual until He is comfortable. And even once you start down that road, you can still do things that will keep him 100% safe until he relaxes around it.

 

I had one BF who totally freaked for about a month after I revealed. He went to his Dr and the Dr basically laughed at his reaction... it took time but we were together 3 years and after a few months it was a total non-issue for him. In fact, *I* broke it off and he was planning to ask me to marry him...but I had come to realize his values in some areas just didn't match mine and I couldn't live with that for the rest of my life... and BTW, he never got it from me and his immune system SUCKS :p

 

(((HUGS and good luck. Keep us posted :)

[cindy29]

Ok so it didn't end well but I can't say it ended badly either.

 

He was understanding and I obviously did a bad job explaining because he thought that the risks were 1% every time so "if we had sex 100 times I'm certain to get it in the future and that freaks me out" is what he said. He then goes on to tell me that while he cares for me he does fear that he will be nervous if we become intimate and may even become resentful if he does get it from me (I asked him to think about whether or not he'd feel that way before deciding).

 

I think I kind of gave up after hearing that but I did correct him and told him that it's 1% chance a year (with suppressant meds, condoms and sex with no symptoms) which is a 1/40000 chance (assuming we have sex everyday of the year. I haven't heard from him since and gave him a way out (and even reminded him to be careful in the future as most people never do body checks and don't know what they have or don't have and therefore could more easily give him some std without him knowing). I haven't heard from him since but it's only been a few hours.

 

But I feel it's useless ... just because the risks aren't as "high" as he had originally thought doesn't really change the fact that he may still be nervous and resentful in the future. So I'm kind of trying to admit defeat. It just SUCKS because although we hadn't known each other for long I felt a real connection and being with him was just so fun, easy and comfortable. I really thought we could have had something special if it weren't for this stupid issue.

 

Now I have to pick myself up and keep trying to remind myself that someday someone better will come along but in this moment in time I just feel like curling up into a ball. But the good thing is that I will be better at making "the speech" next time. I know what to emphasize and make clear to avoid any misunderstandings and unjustified fear. I just wish I knew all this before and didn't mess it up to begin with!

 

Maybe I'll hear from him and he'll tell me that the risks are lower than he thought but chances are that the bottom line is that he can't accept it. At least I realized and found it before I invested even more time and feelings into this man!

 

I'm going to go read all the success stories on here and hope that one day I'll be able to post on there too :)

 

 

 

 

[WCSDancer2010]

Don't give up hope just yet - I had a BF for 3 years (that *I* broke up with in the end) who was a basket case when I told him...it took him a month to decide I was worth "the risk"... and about 3 months for him to stop asking me if I had taken my meds :)

 

BTW, with statistics, when you repeat the exercise, the stats stay the same. So the risk is 2% each time you have sex (just like when you flip a coin the stats are 50/50 every time you flip the coin)... just for your future reference ;)

[cindy29]

Oh Dancer,

 

I hope you're right. He wanted to stay as friends but I just thought it would be way too difficult for me because of the feelings I have for him. So I told him it's best we didn't talk but if he did change his mind in the short run for him to contact me again, if not it is goodbye forever!

 

I am SO mad at my ex for giving it to me. If it weren't for this I think I could be really happy with this guy.

 

I read online that the risks are 2% a year not 2% each time? Which is correct??

 

Cindy

[HerryTheHerp]

Cindy, I'm going to suggest that you reverse your position. Yeah, it's going to be hard for you to hang out with him, and talk with him, and get to know each other. You're going to expose your heart doing so, and that's always risky.

 

Let him get to know you, let him get to fall in love with you. As he does that, the herpes will fade into the background of his mind. It's not a guarantee that it will change anything, but it's a worth a shot if you truly have feelings for this man, and he truly has feelings for you.

 

Yes, the herpes may remain a sticking point. It might, and you need to put that thought in the back of your mind, but take the risk. Take it. Love is worth taking the greatest risks to find. As he falls in love with you, the chances of him letting a skin condition stop him from holding onto you will gradually diminish.

 

[WCSDancer2010]

I am SO mad at my ex for giving it to me. If it weren't for this I think I could be really happy with this guy.

 

1) You MUST find forgiveness in your heart - not for your ex, but for YOU. Yes he cheated... but herpes did you a twisted favor.... odds are if you had not been diagnosed I'm guessing you would not have found out about the affair. Past behavior is indicative of future behavior and odds are he would have done it again and again and he could well have brought home something worse. Cheaters seem to come in __ categories: Sex addicts, ego issues (need the attention of someone new to feel validated), depression (again, validation for other reasons), inability to end a relationship they are unhappy in (can't deal with "hurting" another), and a handful of pathologically broken people who get some sort of rush out of it. *Most* have some sort of guilt as they do it but they are so broken inside that they continue in a hope of healing their own wounds (that to be honest, are just being torn wider open). His cheating wasn't about YOU , it was about his "brokenness" and you are better off without him. But to harbor the anger at the cheating...and what he brought to you in that, will only eat at YOU.

 

2) Having been through my share of relationships, I think I can safely say you really don't know for sure that he was "The ONE". I've found it can take at least a year for you to see someone in ALL their personas ... AND the traits that initially attract you are often the ones that drive you completely out of your mind later. If he is that easily scared off you don't know what other things may come up that would be an issue later.

 

The guy who was freaked out when I disclosed was still "into" me enough to go to his Dr and ask for advice. He was still into me enough to read the stuff I gave him. He was still into me enough to be on the phone with me almost every day, often freaking out (honest, that should have been my warning because that tendency to stay in freak out mode was one of the things that eventually made me leave the relationship because it was exhausting to be around) ... but still, he called and we talked as he processed it all. In the end, we spent the first 3 months with him checking in to make sure I had remembered my meds...and then he finally chilled out about that (he had plenty of other things to freak out about though :p ) . BUT the moral of my experience is, if he was really THAT into you, he would at least take the time to get AND absorb the facts before hitting the road.

 

I agree with Herry - don't cut him off just yet. Give him time to chew on this and help him get informed. If nothing else, you have educated one more person who will hopefully now get tested and who will pass that info on. I know it's a small consolation, but if we all did this, imagine the change to the stigma over time as people got comfortable actually TALKING about this instead of sticking their heads in the sand ??? ;)

 

I read online that the risks are 2% a year not 2% each time? Which is correct??

 

So I went back an re-read what is in my research and my *understanding* is they are saying 2%/year. I would like to see that actual study (damned if I can find it) because that statistic is going to be determined on how often the couple has sex. And BTW that 2% is for Female to Male transmission with suppressive therapy. I'd prefer a statistic that gives you a per-sexual-contact number because everyone's frequency is different. But I don't think that number is anywhere to be found. :(

 

 

 

 

 

[cindy29]

Hey Herry,

 

So you think I should keep hanging out with him? I wear my heart on my sleeve ... I am very cautious about who I spend time with and guard my heart until I am certain he is someone genuine and good but when I fall I fall hard.

 

I'm already a bit of a mess since he said it's better we didn't see each other as gf bf ... but I do think that he is a genuine guy and that he was starting to have feelings for me too. I could see it in the way he treated me before and after I confessed. I do hold a sliver or hope that it could work out but I am deadly afraid to try.

 

The idea of hanging out with him appeals to me but because I have this hope ... I really don't think I could just be friends with this man.

 

Hey Dancer,

 

I know what you mean ... I am better off without my ex and most of the time I don't give him any thought. He doesn't deserve me and I am better off now. It made me realize what an ass he was!

 

I did talk to him and he does get himself tested. The last time he got tested was two or three months ago and he was clean (he screened for herpes and other stds you have to request for too) so he is aware of his situation.

 

No idea about the stats too but 1-2% (depending on how many measures you take to lower the risks) each time sounds a lot worse than 1-2% per year. As he said if it's 1% each time after having sex 100 times it is certain that he will get it but that's not true because lots of people here have been with partners without it for years without ever passing it on!

 

Maybe I'll try the friends thing ... but after a while. He is clearly aware of my good points too and thinks I'm a good person. He does like me more for the fact that I was honest and straight with him since the beginning .. but in the end it's just not enough! Maybe it's not enough now and would be in the future but honestly I am really afraid of finding out.

 

Cindy

 

[HerryTheHerp]

Cindy, there are a few things in life I'm willing to risk my life for. A great adventure, a fabulous experience, and true love being the top 3. Love is always worth great risks. It's worth challenging yourself to do something scary even though you know the odds are against you. Now, I've done a lot of things in my life that have been scary, but I've always done them safely and methodically. The same is true with falling in love. Show your heart, but don't wear it on your sleeve.

 

Let this man fall in love with you. Let him get to know you. As he does that, the herpes diagnosis will fade into the back of his mind and be overshadowed by your personality, your sense of humor, your integrity, your mutual interests/desires, and the size of your heart. Those are the qualities a man our age (I'm 36) really falls in love with. Those are the things that build lasting relationships. If this man is the man you think he is, that's exactly what he's going to do.

 

Give this a chance and see where it leads. It may work out, it may not. It's a risk. Just know that you can, and will pick yourself up again if you fall. And, we'll be right here to help you do that if you need it. But, I'm willing to bet that in a few months time, you'll be coming on here and saying "You know what? We worked through it. It's not an issue anymore and we've fallen in love."

[cindy29]

Thank you Herry and Dancer too!

 

This website may be just one website in the midst of billion websites on the internet but it is one that makes a difference because of people like you guys. Having someone to talk to makes ALL the difference in the world.

 

Herpes has such a bad stigma it's nearly impossible to talk about to people you care about. No one knows not even my family with whom I am very close to and my friends but being able to talk about it freely here makes it feel less of an issue so I just want to take the time to really thank you both again.

 

I'm going to take your suggestion and try to be his friend without thinking of what it could or could not lead to and if it works great if not then I guess I'll either have an extra friend or we'll stop talking after a while. Thanks for the much needed reminder and push to take a risk in life.

[WCSDancer2010]

As he said if it's 1% each time after having sex 100 times it is certain that he will get it

 

Uh - no.......

 

In statistics, you don't increase the odds every time you do this kind of numbers game. sorta like flipping a coin. Every time you flip a quarter you have a 50/50 chance of getting heads.... the number doesn't change with each time you flip the coin. Same with the odds of getting Herpes (if that is the way they figured the numbers...) If it said 1% each time, it will STAY 1% each time. Your guy needs to go take a statistics class ;)

[victoriaxxx]

Lmao.

I don't even know about statistics that much.. && I knew that.

 

&& You do need to take a rish in life !!! I hate the stigma in herpes.. But I have a lot of friends now who are here for me and supporting me and my herpes. (:

 

You can also. !

[cindy29]

Yeah I thought it was weird which is why I asked but I was so emotional and upset it just totally slipped my mind in the moment!

 

Gonna go take that risk and see how it goes!

 

I'm so jealous of you Victoria you're lucky to have friends who you can talk to and trust completely with this! I guess I'm still ashamed about the fact and prefer to keep it inside which is why this forum is so great for people like me!

[WCSDancer2010]

Cindy -

 

Why shame? Hell - you didn't even "mess up" by getting involved with someone who you barely knew like many of us here...you ex BF gave it to you after cheating? You you can't even beat yourself up for not "being smarter than that" like many here do (and that's all a lie too...but it's easier to believe for many :( )

 

You are letting the opinions of others run your life right now. I just wrote a blog (hope to have it out soon) and I wrote: We’ve allowed others to create an unjust world for us…one where their ignorance is dictating how we should feel about ourselves.

 

I hope you will regain your confidence and pride in who you are. Herpes does not define you. Who you are IN THE WORLD does. Don't let a little blister keep you from living a fully expressed and exciting life :)

 

(((HUGS)))

[victoriaxxx]

Heh @Cindy

 

I don't think you understood how many people actually found out because someone decided to spread it to everyone that I knew.. I got messages from over 25 different people telling me how much of a nasty slut..

 

The support system I did have made me look past that. No matter how hard it is, and what anyone says.. It will never change the fact that I have herpes.. I also can not let people upset me about something that is now apart of me. It wasn't my fault. It is not any of our faults, but it is a part of life..

 

My biggest support is this forum and my boyfriend. <3