Herpes hang ups, left, right, centre...

[marinamelody]

Hi there to everyone on this site. Just wanted to say a quick hello and a big ol' thank you to all the people here.

 

My name is Marina, 20 years old, from Australia.

 

I found out I have HSV2 in May 2012, and have been grappling with accepting the diagnosis and learning to love myself again. Having read just a few discusssions (and the much-linked ebook!) on this site my attitude is improving enormously.

 

The biggest challenge I'm having is feeling overwhelmed with a kind of voicelessness:

1. I've met several guys since May, but after a few dates, can't fathom having the disclosure conversation, and so I cool off.

2. I believe I caught herpes from a female friend with whom my ex-boyfriend and I had a threesome with. I haven't told my ex because I feel worthless and betrayed. I haven't told the female friend because, again, I feel both worthless and betrayed.

 

...when all I want to do is say:

1. Listen, I really like you, but you should know I have herpes. Here are the facts, let me know how you feel about it.

2. To ex-partner: when you brought my female friend into bed with us, without asking me if I was ok with it, you put me at risk. To female friend: go see a freakin' doctor and talk about your sexual health! Get educated, woman!

 

I'm trying not to beat myself up. I'm trying to let myself feel as sad as I need to feel about this, while not wallowing, because I know I'm beginning to see more positives than negatives.

 

Still, all I want to do is scream from the top of the mountain on which I live. Not words, not anything in particular.

 

Just bellow. Because I'm tired of feeling ashamed. I'm tired of minimising myself. I'm tired of feeling small.

 

I want to holler and say, hey! I'm here! I'm worthy of love!

 

So thank you to the community I've found here - I'm hopeful that by connecting with the strong, supportive, understanding community here, I'll be able to bridge the gap and take those attitudes with me into the 'real world'

 

x Marina

[mr_hopp]

Here, here, Marina! I LOVE everything you're saying. (And welcome to our H Opp family!) Everything you say is very empowering, very solid, very life-affirming, very self-loving. And I'm glad reading the much-linked e-book has helped improve your attitude tremendously. (Speaking of, here's the much-linked link again for you curious people: http://eepurl.com/b4IPP ...)

 

I'm curious: what has you cool off from having the disclosure conversation? I imagine it's either you thinking you'll be reminded that you're somehow worthless and dirty (which isn't true) or that the fear of rejection overwhelms you, or both? How might you switch that fear to something more healthy for yourself?

 

And I love the idea of screaming from a mountaintop! You actually have a mountaintop to scream off of? How cool! I'm jealous! ;) Seriously though, it sounds freeing and healthy to just let it all out like that. Sometimes we don't need words. Just letting the bottled up energy out can be tremendously freeing. And yes, you are worthy of love. So worthy. More worthy than you think even now.

 

Here's to bridging the gap to the "real world," Marina! ;) Much love! Big hug! And again, welcome!

[marinamelody]

Adrial, you're a diamond! Really, truly thank you for your enthusiasm and support. Hugs right back at you xx

 

To be honest, one of my biggest fears stems from the fact that each of the guys have been somehow linked to my network of friends - I have the fear that once I tell them they'll reject me and tell all my friends. Or they'll accept me, but it will end and they'll tell all my friends. It's that fear of being 'found out'. I don't know anyone else who has herpes (or more likely, who has disclosed to friends that they have it). I really do feel a lot of shame around the whole thing.

 

Even before the diagnosis, I've been a person who finds it difficult to let people in - this is just another thing that I feel will leave me exposed and vulnerable, so I want to cradle it, keep it quiet.

 

As far as switching the fear into something healthy, I do think that herpes is helping me address those broader issues that I may have ignored indefinitely if not for this. Feeling like the primary thing I have to offer is my body - loving sex, but not wanting to connect emotionally with people. Now I have to consider: do I trust this person enough, and do I love myself enough, to be open with them about my sexual health. And I'm trying to discover the things I have to offer besides a very ample booty and tiny waist ;)

 

Another thing I worry about is that people in my age bracket seem to be more fearful of STDs, herpes etc, and far less likely to be accepting than older people may be. I'm not sure if it's simply a maturity thing, or generational, or of course it's potentially just a warped perception I've developed? What do others think on that matter?

 

[lelani]

Hey a big 'down under' hug marina...hahhaha I just realised how we will probably be the only ones who know the meaning of that...but doesn't it so fit with H lol?

 

Yeah Adrial is a diamond (big hug to you too mate!) and I couldn't have said it better! Hey another great vent exercise it beating the crap out of your bed with a tennis racket - yes tried and true! Or go dancing...I do it ALOT!

 

Your post is awesome and shoes how loving and real you are. Yes maturity helps in dealing with things...you have it and others may not. H has a way of sorting out who is worthy of you and who is not...not a bad thing :-)

[marinamelody]

Lelani, you're so right about dancing! I've been doing it A LOT. And beginning to feel less sad about not being able to take any fancy footed fellows home with me at the end of the night...

 

I've just moved house so am sans bed OR tennis racket. However, I've spent the morning beating an old dusty rug (not a euphemism, I swear!) and it was truly euphoric!

 

Also, hugs down under? :) hahaha - at least H has opened up a whole world of double entendres and cheesy puns to us ;)

[lelani]

Go you!!!...I love dancing too and dance Ceroc 3-5 times a week now...get to be hot, sweaty and sexy with heaps of fancey footed fellows (haha love that term!) and H isn't an issue at all lol! I think everyone who has H should dance heaps...sex on the dancefloor without any hassles!

 

You sound gorgeous and funny and anyone who has the urge to scream from a mountain top is a my kind of kindred spirit :-) I think you are already switching the fear into something positive. You are soooooo much bigger than H and don't forget it :-) x