Found out about a month ago I have it.

[saphf43]

Hi there,

 

I'm here because I made it to the age of 43 never having anything more than genital warts (around 18 years ago) which was passed on to me by my long time partner of 7 years. I had NO idea he was sleeping around. That was fine and I had those removed and haven't had anything since. Anyway here I am at 43, what I thought was supposed to be the prime of my life, with herpes - my first outbreak. I feel absolutely devastated. I feel too old for this sh@#, but I guess herpes does not age discriminate.

 

Everything in my life has been going so well up until this happened. I just moved to a new city to be with my longtime partner, who I have been dating long distance for around three years. We are monogamous and neither of us has been with anyone else since we started seeing each other. We've been living together since last July, and no problems. Then I find I've got something that looks like a pimple on my vagina, but hurts like the dickens but the dickens on steroids. So I keep the area clean and I think it's going to go away, but it doesn't. The symptoms get worse. I had a runny nose like a head cold and then I started to feel absolutely horrible, flu-like, horrible, and then all hell broke loose in my nether region. That's when I knew, I knew what it was, and went to the doctor. The doctor looked at it for maybe 30 seconds and said "yes you have herpes."

 

I just took my last anti-viral today, and am happy to say I'm clear. I'm really trying hard not to worry about it popping up again, because the pain was unbearable. I had no idea how badly it would hurt.

 

I went through every emotion you can possibly imagine (if you're reading this then you likely have herpes and know) and am still coming to terms with the fact that I'm going to have to live with this for the rest of my life. I spent hours crying and soul searching and essentially feeling sorry for myself. This is not the sort of thing you can just tell anyone about. All those emotions mixed in with the physical pain and still having to get up and go to work every morning like everything was normal.

 

My partner has been very supportive, but neither of us know where it came from. He has never had an outbreak and doesn't think he has it. He went to the doctor to get tested and the doctor told him there are no "accurate/reliable" blood tests for herpes, so he's not going to be tested for it. I'm not sure I understand that in this day and age there aren't any blood tests for this that can say with accuracy whether or not a person has it.

 

We were talking about it today and how my doctor had suggested I go back in six weeks for an HIV test. He said his doctor had ordered him to get an HIV test too. I wondered why they would link HIV with herpes, and my partner pipes up and mentioned something about promiscuity (after he said it he took the word back saying he'd used it in error). Well I got a bit annoyed, because I'm not promiscuous and I don't want anyone thinking I am or judging me just because I caught this thing. I am judging myself enough already... I need to get over the self punishment.

 

I am worried about sex now. I want to enjoy sex with my partner, not always be worried about if it's going to cause something. I used to just let go and have fun, but I'm afraid to now because I don't want to damage myself for fear of it coming back. This is really upsetting to me because I've found this guy that I'm totally compatible with sexually and was having the best sex of my life before this happened. I don't want that to change. Can I return to a normal sex life?

 

Thank you for having this group. I find it cathartic to get these feelings and worries out.

 

 

[saphf43]

Oh I know the community guidelines said "no judgements" but I wouldn't be honest if I didn't admit that I had been judging myself from the time I knew what I had. The idea of STIs and herpes is something that has a shameful side to it, which is completely unfair. The purveying attitude of society is that it's somehow only promiscuous people that contract STIs or herpes (STDs in my day but I used the old acronym and my 15 year old corrected me).

 

Anyway my apologies for self judgment... I'm working on it :)

[misskellyrenee]

Hey there!

I've had herpes for about 5 months now.

What doctor did you go to if I may ask? What about your partner? I've read recently that purely visual diagnoses are a thing of the past and you may want to go to a OBGYN and encourage your partner to see a specialist as well- planned parenthood is even an option. There are reasonably reliable blood tests for Herpes, as they test for antibodies.

One of the reasons they will request an HIV test is that with the open lesions, it makes passing HIV easier. That, and HIV can be asymptomatic for some time as well, and HIV testing is still stigmatized to a point.

I've yet to have sex since my diagnosis since my partner who likely gave it to me took off. BUT you can have a healthy sex life. Paying attention to when your outbreaks are coming on is important as is condom use.

The self judgement will pass, you just have to make sure you let it do so. Soon enough it will become background. Think of it like a tattoo, you always know you have it but you don't always need to remind yourself you have it. You'll get there.

[WCSDancer2010]

@saphf43

 

First - hello and Welcome!

 

It's late so I'm making this brief. First, your life is not over... and you can have a wonderful love life. I've had it since I was 17 and I'm 52 now and I've had a GREAT life with 3 wonderful men (ex hubby and 2 BF's since)... (My story is around here - I can expand on it later if you want more details)

 

Tell your BF to go to Planned Parenthood and they should give him the test there. Family Dr's are HORRIDLY behind the times with STD info...especially Herpes.

 

The reason for the HIV test is that it's easier to get it with H because of the possibility of open lesions allowing the virus in. It's just a standard procedure - I wouldn't worry about it.

 

Do you know if you have HSV1 or 2??

 

(((HUGS)))

[WCSDancer2010]

Here are some handout links you may want to print out for your BF ...and a link to the FAQ's where you can find a lot of info pretty quickly

 

Handouts:

http://bit.lyh-opp-diagnosis-handout/

http://bit.ly/h-opp-disclosure-handout

 

Disclosure e-book:

http://eepurl.com/b4IPP

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1758/frequently-asked-questions-on-herpes-and-popular-conversations

[saphf43]

Thank you for the welcome. I feel comforted to know there are others out there who can relate.

 

The doctor is not a doctor I am comfortable with yet as I have only been living here since last July and up until this time I had no need to visit a doctor. It's very difficult to find a good doctor who is taking new patients so I had to take what I can get. Never mind seeing a specialist - I live in Canada and seeing one costs nothing, but you have to wait a month or two for an opening.

 

I don't know what kind of herpes I have as I didn't have an official swab or blood test. The doctor just looked at it and told me what it was, as if he'd seen enough cases to know. There's no doubt in my mind it's herpes though. Does it matter what kind it is for any sorts of medical reasons?

 

I don't know how to broach the subject with my partner as he was hoping I would "let it go" I think. Some people cannot deal with emotions very well and he's one of them. He's a budding Buddhist and would like everything to be positive and happy all the time. He can't really understand my reaction, so I've become hesitant to talk about it with him. He was supportive at the beginning, but now he just wants to drop it.

 

He did mention that he had cold sores as a child, but said he hasn't had any as an adult. I asked him if he was aware that cold sores are herpes, but he didn't seem to be aware that it was... so I'm guessing he passed it on to me without knowing. I know he's being honest with me though, because he's an honest person.

 

At this point it doesn't matter so much to me where I got it, but more so dealing with the fact that I have it, and now have to learn to live with it.

 

This is a fantastic forum and very educational, and I'm so glad I found it and joined.

 

 

 

 

 

[WCSDancer2010]

Some people cannot deal with emotions very well and he's one of them. He's a budding Buddhist and would like everything to be positive and happy all the time.

 

Then the grasshopper has a little learning to do ... stuffing his emotions down and pretending everything is ok isn't the Buddhist way... also empathy for another's journey is part of the teachings ;)

 

So I would say if you guys like Oral sex there's a good chance he passed it on to you from the Cold Sore.

 

You may be too recently exposed to get an accurate blood test - but if you have another "pimple"/blister, go to Planned Parenthood (or if you don't have that, I would guess there are STD clinics...try googling them) and have them do a swab ...it will help you get an accurate diagnosis of what you have. Or if you call a specialist, tell them you are having an OB and it has to be swabbed ASAP) Some Dr's play it off that it doesn't matter which one you have, but IMO it's good to know...for one, if you got HSV1 from the BF and you stay together, then you don't have to worry about precautions with him but if you move on, you know you have the "Cold Sore" version which is useful to know when disclosing to future partners...if they had a cold sore at any time then they are immune and it's a non-issue. But if your partner has HSV1 and you are diagnosed with HSV2, you *may* want to go on anti-virals to keep them from getting it (that is for you and him to decide).

 

Peace

[saphf43]

You are correct about Buddhist teachings. He actually was pretty great about it, for the most part. He and I talked about it again today and I told him how his wanting me to "get over it and let it go" attitude was bothering me. It made me feel as if he didn't understand at all why I should be upset. I told him if he knew how painful it was he might not be so quick to ask me to just "let it go."

 

Anyway I appreciate the advice and if I have another outbreak (I'm optimistic it won't happen again) I will get a swab done and go from there.

 

I read your story when I first signed up and it was inspiring. Thank you! :)

 

Take care