This has been a challenge

[DJay]

This whole thing has been a challenge for me. Sometimes I wonder, why me? What did I do to deserve this? I am talking a woman that waited until she was 24 years of age to become intimate with someone. Someone who is now over 30 and can count the number of people she has been intimate with her hands. Why me? I have read some of the other discussions about people not telling others they have herpes. Guess what? Because someone chose to not disclose, I now have it. That wasn't fair to me and it isn't fair to anyone else. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I want to say that maybe he just didn't know. I always try to find good in people. I wonder if anyone is feeling the same way I am. I am 9 days shy of 34 and I have no children. I have come to terms that I will just be by myself for the rest of my life. Kids are not an option either. I didn't ask for this but it was the cards that I was handed so I have to play them. I find myself shying away from male attention. I don't want to let anyone get close to me because I know what I have. Why put myself through that? I don't want to face the rejection. It's bad enough I can't be with the love of my life. I feel so dirty. I have told three people and I can trust that my secret will remain with them. However, I haven't told any of my family. I just had an outbreak and it was so painful. All I could do was cry. It's not fair. Hopefully time on this forum will help me come to terms with this life sentence.

[WCSDancer2010]

@DJay

 

Hello friend! Glad you found us!

 

First thing to do is BREATHE! I promise you, your life is not over, you CAN find love, you CAN have children, and you CAN get past this. I know, because I've had it since I was 17 (Talk about not fair - got it on my first sexual experience....go ME!). I was married for 20 years, have had 2 H- BF's post divorce and had 2 beautiful girls when I was married.

 

So. Why you? Because Herpes is a slippery little devil whose sole purpose in life is to find a new host and it doesn't play by the rules very well. Because the CDC seems to think that it's better that people don't know they have it until they have signs (we are working to change that). Because our Puritan-founded country doesn't like to talk about sex or anything related to it, especially anything that may be uncomfortable or embarrassing. And the not talking about things creates a cycle of shame and depression thanks to the shame that is created by the silence.

 

The bottom line is that unless you don't get intimate for at least 4-6 months with a new partner, then march them to the STD clinic and make sure that they get ALL the tests (you have to ask for Herpes and Chlamydia BTW) AND see their results (talk about a real buzz-kill for intimacy) all sex comes with at least *some* risk. You have to take a person's word for it that they have been tested AND that they got all the tests (and many think they have when in fact they have not thanks to the CDC's policy). And you have to assume they are not seeing anyone else in the last 4 months. IE, there are a lot of places for our little H friend to slip in through the cracks.

 

AND, its really not as big a deal as the stigma would have you to believe. Yes, it can be painful at times, but over time you and your body will get better at managing it. Us veterans know it's really just a nuisance skin condition in a really inconvenient place. AND, for many, it ends up acting as a great Wingman...because you will be even more careful about who you become intimate with....

 

I'm posting some links to get you started, so you can see that many people on here are finding love and are plenty happy with their lives. Know that you can come on here and ask questions, rant, and share where you are at... we are here to help you through this!

 

(((HUGS)))

 

http://herpeslife.com/using-herpes-as-your-wing-man/

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2445/my-success-story simplyme24

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2495/a-coming-out-story- DanieM

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2544/disclosure silentstandoff

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1644/having-the-herpes-talk-with-a-new-partner Daisy

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2689/first-time-disclosing-herpes-and-very-very-nervous paleogardenerkika

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2789/about-to-have-the-herpes-talk Empowered 74

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2833/this-was-a-first kitcattat

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2892/first-disclosing-talk-with-a-new-guy-so-relieved Figuringthisout

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2879/rekindling-an-old-flame Valkyrie

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3021/successful-herpes-disclosure Starsinhereyes

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3036/i-had-the-herpes-talk-and-he-said- thisisgoingtobeok

 

[Sparklepony]

Hello! You have found a wonderful place full of extremely honest and helpful people!!

 

First, you did nothing to deserve this. At all. None of us did. It is unfair, but life in general works that way unfortunately. It doesn't matter if you've been intimate with one or one hundred people... all it takes is one person to pass it on to you. You aren't a ruined person, just like none of us on this site are ruined people. Even though it feels that way. With time you will start to feel better. Part of that is adjusting with the time passing, but the other part of that needs to be you deciding that it's all going to be okay. Sometimes you just have to wake up every day and force yourself to be happy until it's a habit just like brushing your teeth or something.

 

Second, you aren't destined to be alone. You're hardly the spinster you seem to see yourself as. 34 is a very common age frame to actually start meeting people with the potential to settle down with. I know just as many people in their 30s meeting people they eventually marry and have a family with as I do people in their 20s. It just depends on how you arrange your life. Shying away from people and isolating yourself isn't going to help you meet anyone though. It's a vicious cycle. Feel down about yourself, self isolate, feel even worse about yourself, continue to isolate. Pretty soon you find yourself in "the hole" and finding your way out seems impossible so you just give up. I've been there. It is truly a horrible place. What I can suggest to you is counseling. There may be some other issues influencing your self esteem and sometimes just talking to someone works wonders.

 

This site truly is a wonderful place for support. Non-judgmental, and I would be willing to bet that most of the people on here can give you just as great advice as most doctors. Stick around!