Dealing with rejection and staying friends

[silverliningirl]

There's been chemistry building between a good friend and I and he already told me he had strong feelings for me. I waited to get to know him more to decide if I felt like this is someone who I could be serious with (not wanting to risk potential transmission if it isn't the real deal) and yesterday I knew I was falling for him too. We danced, we kissed, he invited me back to his place. I told him on the way there & he was quiet for a bit. Later he told me that he wanted to continue to be friends and that we could kiss and cuddle but he didn't want to put himself at risk. So I had to accept that and I enjoyed the kissing and cuddling & being there as a friend but man it's frustrating. Maybe it's also that I'm feeling very sexually frustrated now, after being out of a long term relationship for a few months now, and being in my early 30s. I've had a few partners/relationships since getting herpes and they were all pretty supportive & we carefully had protected sex. I didn't expect this reaction and I really like him but am concerned that if we do remain cuddle buddies that all this sexual frustration may actually lead to an outbreak because of the stress, as that is my main trigger. Yet on the other hand I love the affection and connection and intimacy and maybe I should just try to be grateful for that. Still it would be better to be with someone who accepts all of me and is willing to be with me fully, yet right now I don't feel like I would want to be with anyone else. So I feel all vulnerable and depressed and don't know what to do. He's a good friend, who now knows all my secrets. I feel like maybe I should try to talk to him more but I also don't feel like I'd want to pressure him towards being sexual because I don't think he's comfortable with the idea of it, which would not make for a comfortable intimate experience anyway. Any advice would be appreciated, thanks

[WCSDancer2010]

Still it would be better to be with someone who accepts all of me and is willing to be with me fully, yet right now I don't feel like I would want to be with anyone else.

 

Give him time. He may come around. Sometimes people - guys especially - freak out a bit until they get to understand the virus a bit better. Print out the handouts here and show them to him...let him know that you want to educate him if for no other reason than that he needs to understand that 80% of the population has it and doesn't know it, so if he is sexually active he needs to be the one asking about STD status, he needs to use condoms at the very least, and preferably (if he's THAT concerned about getting it) he shouldn't jump in the sack without seeing the girls STD results :p Explain asymptomatic shedding, tell him you can get on anti-virals and control it that way. Do this in a gentle, friendly way. And then let him chew on it. If he REALLY likes you that much, he will at the very least appreciate your concern... and he may come around. I had a guy who FREAKED for a whole month, who then got over it and we were together for 3 years.

 

Given that he knows your secrets and you are already friends, I am sure you can have this conversation in a manner that lets him know you care about him and don't want him to get it. Make sure he understands that most of us got it from someone who either didn't know they had it or they lied...that there are a whole lot fewer cases of transmission between someone who KNOWS they have it because they take the precautions to protect the partner. And tell him to stay the hell off Google and send him here if he's still unsure.

 

He's scared... men in general hate the idea of anything that may mar their manhood (especially if it may hurt :-O ) but fear is caused by ignorance. Educate him. Then, if it's meant to be, he'll come around ;)

 

(((HUGS)))

[prettycute77]

Im in the same boat. After being rejected by him because of his lack of knowledge (his own words) we decided to remain friends. Part of me wants to educate him more but I don't want to look like I am trying to convince him to change his mind about me. We have hung out since the discloser and it was difficult for me not to go back to how things were, kissing, cuddling, flirting.....so I have to ask myself if this is something I am ok with. It sounds like you have been friends with this guy for some time now. If you are ok with having no other expectations then what he is offering then I say go for it. Just be honest with yourself. That's what I am trying to do as well....