Its been 7.5 months since the night that changed me forever.

[Aimee (previously baffled1]

Its been 7.5 months since the night that changed me forever. I'm not sure that I'm any closer to acceptance than the night I was robbed of life as I knew it to be. What I can say its' taken this long, and a team of doctors; 7 to be exact and tests to get to the point of having definite answers to what all is wrong and what is caused by what. So I guess there is comfort if you wanted to call it that to have answers.

At the same time, it opens ones eyes to devastating and far reaching impact my ex has imposed on my life. There are no words to describe the amount of daily physical discomfort I endure since he infected me. I'm seeing specialist in every condition I have acquired determined to caused by the HSV2. Convectional and known treatments can't be used since they aggrevate and reactivate the HSV 2.

After hours with my attorney going over all this, the ex, the nature and its intense complexity of the relationship/non relationship, its like the light bulb goes off, all the pieces of the fall into place, we realized the whole picture. The train to disaster and devastation to me, my life by my ex started the he walked into my life.

Because my ex is a sociopath, narissist, passive/aggressive person and I am empathe. You might as just pin a green neon sign target to me. When you had the constant emotional, mental, and some physical abuse, stuck in a never ending cycle. Although its been since May 2013 that we split up, He still comes day/night 24/7 with crazy, physco, cant accept we will never be together. So I take which is the lessor of the 2 evils, respond or not respond; Either way he just goes crazy and my phone lights up nonstop.

If he wasn't a civil service, I would deathly fear him. Its that false trust that him being that help bring it to this point, I never believed that he would advantage of the situation as he did. "A desperate man will do and does desperate things."

He will be served with the suit soon; hope the restraining order will be in place first. He could go 2 ways; obey the order in every way realizing the depth of legal trouble besides civil he has put himself in or laugh it and not obey it.

I have stopped wanting, looking answers from him like " how could you do this to me if cared and to do it on purpose/intentional. " I have learned that he is incapable of feeling, expressing things like love, guilt , remorse, sorrow, pain, responsibility for their owns actions etc. like normal people. Sociopaths cant and never will. So maybe that is some form of acceptance of something.

I did get the "why" he lied over and over about knowing he had been infected with HSV 1 and HSV 2, not telling me and intentionally infecting me. Adding insult to injury, I will never be able to completely move forward,and close that chapter of my life from him. I permanently attached so to speak till the day I die. Believe me, there were moments in the last few months were he pushed me to my breaking edge and end with infecting me, altering me and my life forever. I failed a class in school which puts me graduating a semester later and stop working. The emotional, mental. and physical aspects have taken such a toll. the term I use is "Over-exhausted: just from trying to get a through a day without complete breakdowns,while school and work day in and day out without some sort of "day off". I'm still not able to sleep in my bed since this happened. Despite recently stripping my bedroom of everything that existed in and putting every new.

At this time, I cant say what saved me from going over the edge more than once. Maybe that answer will surface as time goes on.

I often ask myself why God if so loving would create human of such "evilness" as my ex and what in my life I could have done so wrong, horrible to be soooooooo cursed with him, the disease and the other lifelong chronic conditions caused by the hsv 2. He did took away more just my ability for just everyday normal things like sex, exercise, sitting,etc. by intentionally infecting me. While many others with this can move forward with something resembling normalcy. He took even that from me. So where am I in the healing, dealing, and acceptance journey? Good question. Maybe some of you may have that answer.

I know this is long, sorry. I guess I had somethings to share.

[WCSDancer2010]

Hey Aimee ...

 

Sorry you are still suffering ... it's not fun to be stuck and likely it won't be easy to move forward until the court case is finished... but I'd like to suggest that you see if you can find a weekend retreat that is specific to letting go of past hurts and moving forward ... there are some amazing things out there ... I did Landmark Education ... I know that Adrial has done other forms of this kind of thing ... all I can say is that Landmark turned my life around when I thought that I would never be happy again.

 

And of course there's the Home Study course.

 

(((HUGS))) Hope you find healing .....