i need serious help, i feel like im dying slowly and painful

[avigail]

I found out I have genital herpes about 2 to 3 weeks ago and ever since my life has crash. I have only been with one person in my entire life, we have been together for almost 2 years and I have a year and being sexually active. I had a breakout so I went to the doctor and within a few days I got a call back and I went to the doctor and he told me I had genital herpes and I just burst in tears because all my dreams my life has basically been taken away, I'm only 21years old and I some day wanted to have a family and thats pretty much been stolen from me. And maybe even the career im studying for which is to someday become an NYPD, but who would want to hire someone who has herpes and I can't never have kids. I'm so hurt im in tears while writing this post. My boyfriend has been very supportive and hates to see me crying and its so ashamed that he was the one who gave it to me though he has no symptom and neither did I for the time that I have been sexually active. Suicidal thoughts have been in my head often and I don't do it because that would kill my mom and I don't want to hurt her. No one knows I have genital herpes other than my boyfriend and I couldn't dare to tell my family because they would feel disgusted by me. That is exactly how I feel about myself and I wouldn't want to bring more pain to my mother. I'm just so depressed I can't never have a normal life and a chance to have kids because I would never bring a child into this world with a risk of have a disease. Pleaseeee help me this is so painful.

[HerryTheHerp]

Hi Avigail,

 

Ok, take a deep breath. Close your eyes, and just breath for a few moments. In, and out. In, and out. Wipe the tears from your eyes and just focus on the next few sentences.

 

1. You're ok. You're going to be ok.

2. You're not damaged, dirty, or disgusting.

3. You're ok. You're going to be ok.

 

Now, keep reading those, and rereading those until it begins to sink in. You're going to get through this. Having herpes won't prevent you from having children or becoming a cop. It won't, and it's not even a question an employer can legally ask you.

 

Yes, there are precautions you'll need to take during childbirth to prevent transmission to your child, but cross that bridge when you get there years from now and you and your husband get there. Herpes isn't like HPV, Chlamydia, or Gonorrhea and there is no risk to your reproductive health. No risk at all.

 

So, you acquired herpes from your first partner at a young age. You're far from alone, and one of the forum's superstars is in the same boat; she got it at 17. She's had H for 35 years and led a full life, complete with marriage, children, and lovers. She'll chime in soon, I'm sure.

 

You don't have to tell anyone about your status. It's a nunyabusiness question to anyone you're not having sex with. However, I can tell you this, many of us have told our mothers, and while they have all expressed concern at some point, not one that I've ever heard of has shown anything but unconditional love for their children. Mom's have an amazing way of loving their kids no matter what, and I think you'd be surprised by how much she'd support you. My mom's heard so much from me over the years that she should have disowned me sometime in the mid-90's, but she still sends Christmas cards and calls me on my birthday. ;)

 

You have some things going for you. First, you've got a good boyfriend who loves you and is standing by you. He's feeling guilty, and you can help assuage that guilt. He's not standing by you because he's feeling guilty; he's standing by you because you are the love of his life. About 80% of people don't know that they have herpes, and it can be just as devastating to know you've given it to someone you care about and love. My advice? Get him onto this forum, because he's not the first person to have that happen. There are a lot of guys here who can help give him advice and support, and we'd be happy to help.

 

Second, well, you've found this forum. This is the best place on the internet to find advice and support. There are some truly amazing people here; all of us have been where you are right now, and we're all moving forward. We'll make you smile, make you laugh so hard you snort milk out of your nose, and we might even make you realize that having herpes really is just a small bump in the road of life.

 

Keep your chin up. Give your boyfriend a hug. Tell him you love him. Then remember to keep breathing...in and out...in and out.

 

 

 

[avigail]

Thanks herry, I was reading your comment and I burst into tears. I feel so emotionally damaged. I did a pap smear and it came out abnormal and the doctor told me not worry that at my age is rare for me to have a cervical cancer. But I can't stop crying I feel like my life is over, I seriously haven'tmeet anyone with herpes and kids. My life is over. I don't know what to do anymore, I feel so depressed. Thank you for taking your time to read my post. It means a lot because there are so many mean people in the internet that just made me feel worse and this site there are very good genium people.

[HerryTheHerp]

Having an STD can be emotionally devastating, but it's not the end of the world. It really isn't. I know it sucks, but your life isn't over. It's just begun, and in time you'll discover that it's really not that bad.

 

Now, old man time...when I was in college, back in the days when horses and buggies were the way we got to school, uphill, both ways, lots of snow on the side of the dirt road, after we did our chores and churned the butter, my best friend was diagnosed with cervical cancer...at 18. It can happen. The fact you've gone in, had a pap, and have a doctor making sure that's not what's going on? You're going to be just fine and I'm willing to bet it's nothing at all. Lots of things can cause an abnormal pap. BTW, my friend has been married 15 years now, has 2 daughters, and an amazing husband. Having an STD like HPV or herpes doesn't stop you from doing anything with your life that you want to do.

 

You haven't met anyone with herpes and kids? Oh, I bet you have. 25% of American women have HSV2, and close to 80% have HSV1 by the time they're 40. You just didn't know that before now. You've met lots of women and men who have herpes.

 

The internet sucks. It really does. It's a place where people's true personalities come out. Stay away from the bad, stick with the good, and whatever you do, so help me, please do not post any cutesy little pictures of kitties, try and share cookie recipes with me, or offer to get me a great deal on a timeshare in Tahitti because I will stop responding. ;)

 

 

 

 

[Guest]

Avigail, have you met anyone who has herpes, period? There are 55 million adult Americans who have it and 800 million people globally. Do you imagine that none of them have families? Herpes does not stop you from having a family. It has no long-term physical complications. It doesn't harm fertility, you can still give natural childbirth. It sounds like you need the same perspective I've been trying to find lately. I'm probably not good for anything beyond what I just said right now, but there are people here who can certainly explain to you that life is not over because of this.

[Orngpeelmafia]

Are you sure you're thinking herpes? I didn't think a PAP smear was for herpes I tought it was for HPV which is actually a different thing all together...more common than even herpes.

 

Everything Herry has said is true...life goes on herpes is not a danger to your physical health. Life goes on you just gotta keep on keepin on :)

[Orngpeelmafia]

I almost forgot to add: we fear the unknown. You're freaking out because what little information you think you "know" is letting your imagination run wild. Breath and check out all the wonderful facts this site has to offer and you'll start to realize this ain't no thang!

[avigail]

I understand life goes on but im an emotional mess. I feel so hurt. I came here because people in here truly help because I was googling things that made me feel worse specially yahoo answer where people dont care about others. I'm just hoping theres a light at the end of the tunnel, because I feel like my world is crushed and all that I have study in college is going to be worthless now that I have herpes I fear that NYPD will reject me and I won't be able to have a kids. It's like im in a pool and im drowning. :(

[Guest]

The NYPD won't reject you because of this. Why would this make what you studied worthless? Why won't you be able to have kids? This doesn't stop people from serving in the military. It doesn't stop them from being Foreign Service Officers and living abroad. It doesn't stop them from doing the things they care about. Why would a skin condition make your education worthless?

 

If you live in NYC you're probably in the best place in America to have herpes. There are 12 million people in that city. Of the adults, 25% of them have herpes. I have several friends in NYC who have it, women, and they have had no problems with their sex lives. According to them, their male friends who have it have very little trouble meeting women. Apparently humans tend to be very forgiving and very understanding when they meet someone they think is special. I have yet to experience it for myself, but I hear it happens.

[HerryTheHerp]

Yahoo discussion forums are like the high school locker room. Everyone's in there comparing who has the bigger pinkie and lying about what they did with so and so behind the bleachers on Friday night.

 

Google isn't much better. If you want good advice and solid answers, come here or go to Medhelp Experts forums. Both places you'll find solid information from doctors and people living with H. There's no judgment, no BS, and no one is going to make you feel bad about going there for help and support.

 

Now, tough love time. How the hell does herpes affect your desire to study in college and become a cop? You want to be a cop, so here's a math lesson in case you go into forensic accounting as a specialty.

 

35,000 NYPD Officers wear the blue every day. Statistically speaking, 25% have HSV2, and 80% have HSV1. You do the math. And, if NYPD Blue and The Shield are to be believed, they're having a lot of sex. Like, every time they make a bust. "Hey, we just got the drug dealer. Cool, let's have sex." "Just collared that bank robber. Oh, you make me so hot, let's do it right here in the patrol car. I'll bring the handcuffs if you bring the nightstick..." Seriously, NYPD isn't going to care if you have herpes. In fact, having herpes, liking Tom Selleck, and having every episode of Hill Street Blues memorized is probably a job requirement.

 

So, again, relax. Keep breathing. Keep smiling. Keep studying.

 

 

[avigail]

Thank you guys both sooo soo much, herry I really appreciate the tough love conversation its really what I need because im very stubborn and you're right the NYPD can't care about that it would be discrimination. Im very stubborn and I tend to always hope for the worse. And I never expected to be going through this. You guys have helped me so much (herry and thisismenow). I will try to continue studying and achieve my dreams ♥

[WCSDancer2010]

@avagail

 

Hello and welcome friend.

 

So you are meeting someone right now who got HSV1 oral at age 3 (like many kids) and HSV2 genital at age 17. I'm 52 now. I've had 2 beautiful girls (one by Cesarean because the Dr scared me into it ... it was the 80's and things were different then) and one naturally. Both are H- ... I never worried about sharing towels, baths, or whatever and I gave them plenty of kisses ( just never if I had any suspicion of an OB). Yeah, it's been inconvenient at times, but it hasn't stopped me from doing anything. And I'm totally "out" about my H (I came out on FB ... and I have my status on ALL my dating profiles) and it's been a very "positive" experience.

 

And let me tell you something. I passed H to my (then) husband because I didn't know that the "rash" I had was Herpes. It made me feel crappy that I had done that... but thankfully he never blamed me, and we soon learned to just deal with it. It became a non-issue. You have to let him know that you will be ok ... that you BOTH will be ok.

 

And I'm glad if you really got it that the NYPD won't care about your status. In fact, they won't even know, because they can't ask about it. And as Herry pointed out, a whole bunch of them will also have it ... promise.

 

Now, quick thing - you have also had an abnormal Pap smear, which could be from H*P*V ... not H*S*V. The CDC says pretty much everyone will get HPV at some point in their life ... most wreaks a little havok on your cervix for awhile then it will go dormant and hopefully just stay there. Did you get an HPV test (the Pap smear is not good for an accurate diagnosis)? If not, you need to find out if it's HPV and if so, which one so they will know how to deal with it.

 

Only 4-6 of the 40 varieties of HPV cause cancer. The rest are just a nuisance. Even the ones that cause cancer are VERY VERY treatable. For now, you just need to keep an eye on it.... Folic Acid supplements help clear a lot of these cases.

 

And BTW, I had lesions on my cervix many years ago. I went to a Naturopath and went on the the Folic Acid supplements and some other stuff and it cleared up completely .... so once again, *IF* you have HPV, you are with the majority AND it's very treatable.

 

STD's in general are MUCH MUCH more prevalent than most people realize. Some are treatable so people get their meds and never tell anyone and you never hear about it. 1 in 5 has HSV2 ... 4 out of 5 have HSV1 .... 50% of all new HSV genital cases are HSV1 from Oral SEx (because people think that's a "safe" option) .. and nearly everyone will get HPV at some point in their life.

 

So why is there so much stigma around it? Because of crappy-assed sites like you found with Yahoo .... because the medical community has not recognized the emotional toll and doesn't address it properly ... and because WE have stood silent and allowed it to happen.

 

I keep saying this over and over ... "We’ve allowed others to create an unjust world for us…one where their ignorance is dictating how we should feel about ourselves." And it HAS to stop. Don't allow other people's ignorance to dictate to you how you feel about yourself ... EVER ... about any situation. OK friend?

[avigail]

Wcsdancer2010, thank you soo much for your wonderful powerful comment because i tend to have a strong mind but i have my weak side in there is people criticize others and I don't want to be judged my the fact I have herpes, and I don't want to harm my family(mom) by telling her I do because shes a women that has gone through a lot and though I am far from perfect she puts me as an example and I don't and cant and wouldn't want to break her heart because shes not familiar with herpes and how it works. I find it so weird that in almost 2 years that me and my boyfriend have together I never experienced an OB till now, when i had the OB I was really stress like never before well until I found out I have herpes (haha). I want to have kids I just fear that maybe ill damage the child and I couldn't do that to someone. Maybe one day I'll grow older and wiser and be able to be as brave as you to tell the world you have Herpes, but right now I'm not at the place in where I can be as free as you are. Since I found out I have herpes I been living life just to live and wait for death and I don't want to continue living that way. I want that excitement I once had :( .. its just not that easy I wish I was stronger like I thought I was and like I showed my friends who have been to tough time I helped them get up and back on their feet but I can't even do that myself. I'm worrying so much about my future when I don't even know how im going to get passed the present. My gynecologist is a male and he wasn't so sympathetic over the news that i have herpes specially when giving me the news he made it seem as if it wasn't a big deal and even laugh and I just burst into tears and they had to call me a social worker to come talk to me. He assured me that people give herpes a bad name and people who have gotten chicken pops have the Herpes virus which later turns into shingles. Most people don't even know that specially in NYC where people are as rude as they can be.Most people at my age are still acting very immature another reason to why I want to keep this H secret between me and my boyfriend. Once again thank you for taking your time to read and response, you have no idea how your comment as help me. Sorry for not breaking it down in paragraphs im writing from my cellphone. Once again thank you ♥

[WCSDancer2010]

people criticize others and I don't want to be judged my the fact I have herpes, and I don't want to harm my family(mom) by telling her I do because shes a women that has gone through a lot and though I am far from perfect she puts me as an example and I don't and cant and wouldn't want to break her heart because shes not familiar with herpes and how it works.

 

The older I get, the less I give two shits about what others "think" of me ... especially if it's ugly or negative, because I, and the people who know me, love me, respect me, and DESERVE to be in my life would never, ever treat me that way. Anyone who does, well, they don't have to be in my life and their opinion doesn't matter. Certainly age helps with this, but I didn't even have any iota of this concept at your age .... so you can start NOW to learn that when people talk or act ugly towards you, it's about THEM and not about you. It's showing who they are, and they are doing you a favor because it's a big fat neon sign that you don't need them in your life.

 

And honey, I can tell you, your mom might be concerned and confused at first, but she may surprise you too... she may know more than you think about H. And if not, well, EDUCATE HER! Help her to understand that because the Health Care system as it is, doesn't screen for Herpes, your BF never knew he had it ... and that because of that, many people in committed, monogamous relationships are passing it on innocently and that having ANY STD doesn't mean you are dirty or immoral or whatever... it just means you got unlucky.... there are a lot of things like this that people carry without knowing it for many years because PREVENTION isn't as big on the agendas of the medical world as they would like you to think. And part of Prevention is better education, and honey, from what I am hearing, the Sex Ed classes are doing a really poor job of getting the real facts into young people's heads about STD prevention.

 

As for your gynecologist ... sorry he was so unhelpful but really, for him (and MOST OBGYN's, even females), it really isn't a big deal ... and they don't understand the stupid stigma that is attached to it at all...... it's something we are working on here to change, but we have a loooong way to go.

 

As for having a baby, if you make sure the Dr's know of your H status, then the baby should be fine. They will put you on an anti-viral for the last month of your pregnancy to make sure you don't have any OB's and if there is ANY doubt, then they will do a Cesarean.... which is actually quite rare...the biggest risk time is your first year after exposure. After that, with the meds there's a really good chance it will stay quiet throughout the birth. So please, stop worrying about having kids .... thousands of women with H have babies every year ... and the only time it's a problem is when they didn't know they had H and passed it on unknowingly during the birth. You KNOW you have it so you can deal with it accordingly.

 

Most people at my age are still acting very immature another reason to why I want to keep this H secret between me and my boyfriend.

 

True ... so I understand why you don't want to be creaming it from the rooftops, but I bet you have a friend that you can entrust your biggest secrets with. Find SOMEONE you can talk to .... you may be surprised that they know others who have it...or even have it themselves. One in 5 of your friends will have genital herpes at some point in their life ... and up to 60% likely have Cold Sores (or HSV1 Oral) right now and likely don't know they could pass it to another with Oral Sex. So you can help to educate your closest friends as you get educated and understand this better, so that they can hopefully avoid getting it and if they DO, they won't have to be as affected by the stigma because they will already know the truth.... ;)

 

(((HUGS)))