Normal Reaction to Herpes?

[riverstyx]

OK, so I could really use some help here. I've been on the fence about whether I have H or not, but it seems to be coming to a conclusion soon. I will send out the Western Blot tomorrow, and my ex-girlfriend is getting tested tomorrow. I have a sinking feeling it will come back positive. But anyway, that is not what I want to talk about. It's my reaction to this whole thing, and it seems to be causing a lot of people in my family trouble, particularly my parents. It's been three weeks since this started with a positive blood test, which I took just because I was curious about my status. I was naturally terrified the first three weeks, and I have been looking up everything I can find on the internet trying to find answers, and trying to talk to people who will help me understand what is going on. Now, I just finished school for the year, and I am on summer break. I am looking to get a job, and applying online usually doesn't take a long time, I can apply to like 25-30 jobs in like an hour. But when I'm not doing that, or eating, or sleeping, I've been glued to the computer trying to get a resolution to this thing, or at least to try to find a reason why my two positive blood tests might not be true positives. I spoke to my primary care doctor, and I spoke to a therapist, but their expertise is not in this area so what they can tell me is pretty limited. I guess a lot of what I'm feeling right now can be pretty accurately described as complete denial. Denial since I've had only one sexual partner, and denial that this could happen to me, feeling angry at my previous partner, resentful at the perceived unfairness, basically things like that.

 

My family is sounding the alarm bells because they feel this near-constant preoccupation with this matter is completely abnormal, and that there must be something wrong with me. I live with my parents, by the way, and I did tell them about this matter. They are older, 73 and 74, and since I'm in the house they've witnessed my day-to-day ups and downs. I've had several conversations with them about this, but I think they're reaching the end of what they can tolerate. I've been encouraged at times, more often depressed and mournful at times, and I've reached out to them and my brothers. My brothers seem to tolerate it better than my parents. My parents constant theme has been how I am letting my life stop in the face of this, and that people "bounce back" in the face of adversity and difficulty. I told them it is natural for people to go through a period of mourning and anger and other negative feelings in the face of something like this, and they have continually asked "but how long? Three weeks is a long time." So naturally I don't know what to think. Is it me? Is it them? If I'm doing something wrong, what is it?

[HerryTheHerp]

You're obsessing. That's not healthy and I agree with your parents in that regard. Have we all been there with H? The vast majority of us go through a phase where it's all we think about. We Google and read, and obsess...then we just move on. I think you need to get your results, and then take the next step. If it's positive, well, deal with that then and we'll be here to support you. If it's negative, well, put it behind you and move on.

 

Again, I think you need to meditate, and if necessary, medicate. Your anxiety levels are going through the roof. That will impact you, your job search, your family, everything. It's no way to live life.

 

We all get sad and concerned. We all have our own way of dealing with a diagnosis. It's tough, but by obsessing about it and letting it impact every aspect of your life? You'll create far more issues than you'll solve. Believe me. Dancer listened to me bitch and moan about the possibility of having HIV when I got my HSV diagnosis. She was an absolute saint. She'll tell you just how obsessive and concerned I was. It was all I thought about. Put my life on hold for over a month waiting for the results. Wasn't fun. I speak from experience in saying that obsessing over it won't do any good, and in fact, it's counterproductive.

[WCSDancer2010]

@riverstyx

 

Hi friend :)

 

Yes, this is ENTIRELY normal... and 3 weeks is nothing....believe me...we have people on here who are months and even years along who are still struggling to some degree with it....

 

You are going through a kind of grieving...exacerbated by not having a clear diagnosis. So you are neither here nor there anyway...which makes is harder to go through the grief stages (seeing as you are obsessed with the internet, why don't you google "Stages of Grief" - it will help you understand it better and it will get you off the Herpes sites for awhile ;) )

 

Your parents are just worried about you and they just want you to feel better. And folks in their age bracket don't understand this "information age". In their day and age there was no information...so you just got on with life much faster. It's a different world to them.

 

So why don't you print this out and show it to them:

 

To Riverstyx's parents:

 

I'm WCSwingDancer - Forum Mom on Herpeslife.com and 35 year veteran of Herpes. I've seen and experienced a whole lot around Herpes and I counsel people every day about it.

 

I hear that you are worried about your son's "obsession" around his diagnosis. Take it from me, your son is going through a very normal reaction to his likely (as he is waiting on the Western Blot for confirmation) diagnosis....in fact, the unclear diagnosis makes it worse because it leaves one hoping that it's a false positive, and that just extends the adjustment period and increases the anxiety.

 

The bottom line is that any "incurable" diagnosis tends to leave a person feeling that they have lost their "old self" and that life from this point forward will be drastically different and more difficult. While this is not necessarily so, each person has to go through what is in effect, a grief/mourning period which can last anywhere from weeks to months or longer. Each person will go through it at their own pace...and 3 weeks is really nothing at all (remember that each person can live 4,000 weeks, so 3 weeks is a drop in the bucket ;) ). There is no telling how long it will take, but suffice it to say I'm not concerned about his obsessive researching for information just yet. It's very normal .... however, we DO suggest that people stay off Google and we give them sources that we feel have trusted information if they feel the need to research more. Your son is reaching out here and in a couple other places for clarity and support, and I am sure he will be just fine.

 

He's just had one hell of a shock.... and while Herpes really, truly is a nuisance skin condition in a really inconvenient place, the stigma that surrounds it (thanks to the ignorance and mis-information in this country around STD's) just plain adds to the adjustment period. Those of us who have had it for awhile truly get that this isn't a big deal ... it DOES make for some inconvenience in our love life...and sometimes in our regular lives, but it doesn't deserve the stigma that comes with it. But for someone who is newly diagnosed, well, it can seem like the end of the world. So be patient with him. And trust that he will come through this stronger, wiser, and with more empathy for others ... it's an interesting "side effect" of Herpes for those who choose to reach out to people like us ... we will help your son gain perspective, understanding, and clarity around this virus.... all he needs is a patient ear from you, and a big fat hug when he's down, ok??

 

(((HUGS)))

[Aimi]

I don't think you can put a timeline on your mourning. I think genuine and complete acceptance is more of a journey rather than something that happens over night. You'll have your ups and downs- & the downs are okay. You're human. But what's not okay, is never having ups, or letting the bad days outweigh the good. Like Herry said, that obsessing is not healthy. The more you become more knowledgeable about the condition, the more you'll realize that all that obsessing was a waste of time- time you could have spent learning how to love all of you and bounce back.

 

It's definitely not easy. I wouldn't/ couldNOT minimize what you're going through. That said, you're not alone. We've all been there in some capacity and that's why we're here. I can tell you for sure that the sadness won't last (((((Hugs)))).

 

Xo.

[Aimi]

Dancer- You are the best. Xo.

[riverstyx]

Thanks everyone *so much* for your help and support! Reading the comments on here has made me feel so much better.

 

I had a big argument with my family about all of this earlier, and I had to leave the house and am staying at a friend's for the next couple of days. We were talking about exactly the things mentioned in this thread...about a normal mourning/grieving period....I even used those exact same words earlier...but my mother was having none of it. Then when my brother came into the room, he said that what I had put my parents through over the last three weeks was an "absolute disgrace." Then I REALLY got angry, and that's when the tempers flew. But Dancer that letter was amazing!! I am going to send it to my mother, and hopefully it will give her some perspective.

[WCSDancer2010]

Hope it helps .... keep us posted...

 

Just do remember that at 70+, your parents perspectives will be VERY different from ours ... they were brought up in a no-information age... they just got a diagnosis and got on with it because you just took the "professionals" word for it and you had no other choice, and certainly nowhere to go to get more info. And as Peter Rabbit said, sometimes "A little learning is a dangerous thing" ... LOL

[WCSDancer2010]

BTW - you are not alone with "Parent Issues"

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3495/mother-issues-