Don't known how to move forward with my relationship/life!

[Aurora_Mae]

I had anal sex with my boyfriend, 2 days later I came down with a terrible fever, thought I was getting sick, noticed an itch in my bum.... After a couple days and a couple bowel movements extreme pain started to come with every bowel movement, and an oozing them smelled.... A couple days later I had the blisters around the opening of my anus and in the crack, I thought allergy from cream I was using, went to ER because the blisters got so bad and painful and guess what, herpes!! By that point over a week had gone by since the anal sex, I had a bad fever two days after the sex, then again during the week one day was so bad and I had all these shooting pains in my feet and pelvic region, and I couldn't get out of bed I was so achy with a high fever.

 

I've cried for days, I'm so scared, I'm scared of the risk for my future children, my dating life, my health. All the things I can't do, I love sunbathing!!!!

 

The worst is the guy that gave it to me, my boyfriend, had no idea he had it. His doctor told him there's no proof he even gave it to me, I could of had the dormant virus for years!! And any blood test he did in the past or does now would be inconclusive. He also said it CAN NOT be passed unless he is breaking out. His doctor was angry with him and said he's sick of people freaking out over it.

 

The doctor I dealt with at the ER said under these circumstances it is my first contact with the virus, the blisters are so severe that I would of had to of caught it off someone.... It is a primary outbreak. That anal sex is an easy/common way to contract the virus and he doesn't need to be breaking out to pass it. He thinks my boyfriend most likely gave it to me but had no idea he had it and may have never had a noticeable outbreak.

 

I'm so angry at my boyfriend, I know it's not his fault, he didn't know, but I can't help but feel he is responsible. I want him to suffer with guilt for what he did to me. I go through waves of love and forgiveness, to anger and resentment. I just don't known how to forgive and move forward with this relationship. At the same time, I'm afraid to leave because no one will ever want me again. I feel diseased and dirty.

 

He is a good boyfriend, he feels terrible and offered to pay for any medication I need and has taken everything I have thrown at him. But I'm still devastated, I feel like I need someone to blame. I feel ruined, destroyed. I'm a risk tommy own future children. I'm a risk to my family, to my friends who share clothing with me.... Im the diseased person you don't want using your toilet. What do I do, how do I move forward??

[WCSDancer2010]

Im the diseased person you don't want using your toilet.

 

Uh - honey. You need to calm down and BREATHE and get a grip. You are waaaaay off base with what Herpes is and how it will affect your life. Certainly, you can sit on all the toilet seats you want. I promise you won't start an epidemic if you plant your tush on the can at the next rest stop. ;)

 

He (BF's Dr) also said it CAN NOT be passed unless he is breaking out. His doctor was angry with him and said he's sick of people freaking out over it.

 

So - your BF's doctor needs to get up to date.... if you want to be mad at anyone, be mad at his ignorant Dr who is doing NOTHING to help with the education about this virus... in fact, he is making things worse through mis-information. I suggest that you print out the handouts on here AND this website from the CDC ....

 

http://www.cdc.gov/std/Herpes/STDFact-Herpes-detailed.htm ....

 

With this part highlighted and underlined ...

 

How do people get genital herpes?

 

Infections are transmitted through contact with lesions, mucosal surfaces, genital secretions, or oral secretions. HSV-1 and HSV-2 can also be shed from skin that looks normal. In persons with asymptomatic HSV-2 infections, genital HSV shedding occurs on 10% of days, and on most of those days the person has no signs or symptoms. [4] Generally, a person can only get HSV-2 infection during sexual contact with someone who has a genital HSV-2 infection. Transmission most commonly occurs from an infected partner who does not have a visible sore and may not know that he or she is infected. [5]

 

and tell your BF to drop it off with his doctor and then tell him to get a new doctor ... SMH :(

 

So - regarding blame ... a little Tough Love here friend. Its not personal. I just think you need a quick reality check

 

It's not going to help anything at this point. Seems he was truly ignorant about herpes ... JUST LIKE YOU. You BOTH obviously had no idea about the fact that it's not in the normal STD tests (did you even discuss STD's when you got together???). And obviously his Dr was/is clueless. So pointing fingers and blaming will just keep you in victim mentality ... Unless you go skipping hand in hand together to get tested and make sure you are tested for everything and then actually SEE the results, (which 99% of the population won't do) you are playing a crap shoot with every new partner.

 

I hit the jackpot on my FIRST sexual encounter 35 yrs ago.....and I'm here to tell you that I promise you can have children (naturally) and have a very normal family life with them. I raised mine before all the stigma was associated with it and didn't even think to worry about sharing baths and towels with them. Kissed them to pieces (and I have H1 orally from childhood) tho I made sure to not kiss them with an OB. Cuddled plenty with them. And they are both well into their 20's and H-free.

 

I'm a risk to my family, to my friends who share clothing with me.

 

Don't know where you got that craziness friend ... (unless, perhaps, you share underwear during a severe OB...... ewwwwwwwww...... ;) )

 

Look - your BF has obviously been carrying this for awhile. You have likely had plenty of contact with him before now and didn't get it. And none of his family got it from him. See where I'm coming from? Anal sex is the highest-risk form of sex for STD's because of the micro-tears that can happen and the fact that the intestine is DESIGNED to allow things into your system. You just plain lost the crap shoot ... (as it were... sorry about the pun!) and had anal sex on the wrong day when he was shedding the virus. That's all....

 

And odds are you CAN sunbathe ... usually it's the direct sun to the area where you have your OB's so unless you sunbathe nude and get lots of sun where the sun *shouldn't* shine, you should be ok ;)

 

So... BREATHE again ... and get to reading all you can here. You will come to realize that we are all good, normal, beautiful people ... and so are you.

 

(((HUGS)))

 

[Aurora_Mae]

Thank you, and sorry for the multiple post weird computer issue. I am so mad at his doctor, his doctor flat out refused to give him a blood test, told him it's just going to cause him more problems, said i probably quote unquote "could of had it in my ass for years and not known" (yes, he said ass, not anus, not buttocks, ASS. Insensitive prick. He got really mad at my boyfriend. Told him i could of had a cold sore on my mouth that woke up down there... What the heck?!

 

Anyways, I'm trying not to be angry, but I am. I don't know how to not blame him for doing this to me.

[WCSDancer2010]

I don't know how to not blame him for doing this to me.

 

Because blame ASSUMES intent. Your BF never intended to give this to you and he's living with any "advice" from his Dr. His Dr is actually running a thin line with regards to Malpractice talking to your BF like that and possibly slander in that he's making assumptions about you that are entirely false. Again, I would take the CDC info to him (he can't deny something from the main US Medical Govt run health agency)

 

Told him i could of had a cold sore on my mouth that woke up down there.

 

This is soooooo untrue and sooo off the mark. I think your BF may want to talk to a lawyer .... this Dr needs to be given a good swift kick in the pants :(

 

Please watch these Ted Talks - Brene Brown talks about Blame and Shame ... I think you will get something from these:

 

Blame: A way to discharge pain and discomfort. Brene Brown

 

(((HUGS)))

 

[Aurora_Mae]

Thank you, I will check these out. And he said he is going to drop off that information from the CDC to his doctor. He is pretty upset and feels guilty. I guess part of the reason I am so mad is because we did discuss STDs and he got tested and told me he was disease free.... And yes, I was ignorant and so was he and didn't realize you have to specifically request a herpes test.... And from what I've read the blood tests are inaccurate anyway.....? Is that true?

 

Anyways.... Point being, it's been a week since diagnosis I know I need to come to terms with things and accept that I must live with this disease for the rest of my life.... The pain and discomfort, and also the stigma. I lost weight because the blisters in my bum were so painful I couldn't eat and had to take laxatives, then I got so depressed..... I have a friend who has herpes, and she told me her friend who has it got it in her bum and she deals with sores there on a regular basis.... That was disheartening.

 

She also said she doesn't believe in the drugs, because everyone she knows who takes them just gets the blisters back when they stop the meds....

She says best to let the body fight it naturally and build it's own antibodies. She is a microbiologist and had herpes for 20 years..... I'm not sure how to go about handling the lesions and the pain and what is best to do health wise. She recommends finishing the meds for my primary outbreak then getting a topical cream to fight the infection on the skin.... Let the body deal with the insides.

[Orngpeelmafia]

Everyone deals with herpes a little differently...I've been on suppressives for almost two years now (with a couple months off while I was single here and there just to see how my body reacted) just because if I happen to be put in a situation where I feel comfortable disclosing I want to already be on medication....so it's really up to you and what you will feel will be good for not only your body but tor peace of mind...I know the first year suppressives helped so much with me not overreacting to every little itch or ingrown hair.

 

It's a lot to take in...but once you shed that stigma life gets pretty normal. You're letting a stigma born out of misinformation become a catalyst for your negativity and self doubt...YOU ARE NOT A VIRUS! And your boyfriend is probably just as upset as you are going through all the same feelings :( take a deep breath....it's gonna be okay. Start reading the success stories on here...going through and reading dancers posts will help a lot she's an amazing woman full of strength, wisdom, and a hell of a lot of knowledge and she tells it like it is.

 

Everyone who has just been diagnosed will tell you their world is shattered...everyone that's had this for a while and started their journey of self acceptance will tell you that when they picked up the pieces, the picture they started to make was even more beautiful than the one they saw before :) make sense?

[WCSDancer2010]

Inaccurate? Well, a little of the answer depends on the test you get because there are several, but most get the Elisa Immunoblot or Elisa Herpes Select which is about 97% accurate for HSV 2 with a sensitivity of about 97%. If your result is 3.5 or below it may be considered a "false positive".... in which case I'd say re-test in a few months. You can print this out from the Westover Heights clinic... one of the foremost clinics in the country when it comes to Herpes... pg 12/13 are the pertinent info for your BF's Dr.

 

http://westoverheights.com/herpes_handbook/final_HH_for_2010_revision_1.pdf

 

Just because someone else had/has ongoing OB's doesn't mean you will. Many have 1 OB and never have another. Others may have 10/yr. You don't know which way it will go for you, but the better you get your stress under control and your diet and health as best as you can get it, the better chance you give your body to fight the virus.

 

As for the anti-virals - if you are having a hard time functioning, take them for now. Given the location, it may be a good idea while your body gets *some* control of the virus. After awhile you can wean off. I currently use them when I feel an OB coming on - take a double dose and treat the area locally and it's gone in a few days. I generally agree with letting the body get it under control, but I also know that *some* people get OB's that can completely debilitate them and keep them from working.....so you do what you need to.... if you can deal and you want to give your body a chance, then do it. But don't wait till the OB is so bad you can barely move (if that is how it goes for you). When it gets that bad, the meds can't do as good a job because the virus has the upper hand. Use your common sense about it ... your friend opinion is based on HER experience ... you do what you need to do for you ;)

 

(((HUGS)))