Im going crazy

[Newtothis1]

Ive known for three months now. Its hard to talk about and I'm not sure how to feel. I found out in April. I also found out I gave it to my husband. I was exposed by my first husband many years ago and thought I had got lucky and didn't get it. Then I showed up positive. My current husband has been good about it but I feel ashamed and awful cuz I gave it to him. I just recently had my second outbreak and hid it from him. Im not sure what is going on in my head. We don't talk about it. Im losing myself and don't know what to do.

[whitedaisies]

OK, first of all, read the discussion I posted titled "reality check" that should help you get started.

 

Getting first diagnosed raises a lot of feelings in us and insecurities. They seem to bubble up to the surface when you are faced with something difficult.

 

Do not lose yourself, or should I rephrase, lose yourself to find yourself again. And your new self will be different and stronger.

 

Begin by telling your husband how you feel; don't let this build a wall between you. It can and it's easy to do. You need to cry in front of him, to hug him and tell him you can face this together, maybe go to the doctor together to get educated....there are lots of things you can do to become more vulnerable to eachother and that will create better intimacy.

 

Good luck.

[WCSDancer2010]

@Newtothis1

 

Hello and Welcome!

 

First - glad you made your way here... trying to deal with this alone just makes it so much harder .... and do know you are having a "normal" reaction to your diagnosis.

 

35 years ago I acquired H (my very first sexual experience no less) but I didn't know it at the time ... I just thought my rash was heat rash and hormones. My now ex hubby got it from me and that was when I got my diagnosis. The big difference between us is that back in the 80's, we didn't have the Internet (thus Google Images and the myriad of horrid websites to scare people to death about H). So we didn't have anything telling us how "terrible" it was to have an STD (especially H), and how it made you dirty or whatever. My hubby wasn't delighted about it (he had some rough OB's at first) but he NEVER blamed me or thought less of me for it. It was just a pain-in-the-ass thing that we both had to work around. And that was that.

 

Nowadays, we have Google which, while we can find great places like this for help, generally has a whole lot of really BAD information out there. We have the CDC who recommends that STD panels not include H because of the very few false negatives are so traumatically affected that they don't seem to stop and think of the fact that most new cases come from someone who didn't know they had it because they were not tested, so now you have TWO (or more) people who are affected like it. All of this has fed the Stigma machine that surrounds H. AND, you have the ability to CHOOSE whether you buy into it or not, because having H now is no different than when I got it 35 yrs ago.

 

No one wants to get H. But the reality is its' a nuisance skin condition in a really inconvenient place. You were let down by the medical system in that you were never encouraged to get tested ... so what use is it to feel guilty about giving it to your hubby when you had no idea that you had it and no one had educated you around the facts of asymptomatic viral shedding the possibility that you might have acquired it from your ex.

 

This site focuses recognizing the positive side to being positive. How we can learn from H. How it forces us to have those tough conversations we would rather not have (which give us the chance to be vulnerable with our partners and authentic in ourselves). How it gives us the chance to explore other ways to be intimate when we have an OB. How we can realize that no matter what, we are perfectly lovable, flaws and all ;)

 

You don't make it clear about why you and your hubby are not talking about it, but it's certainly something you may want to get help with so that you can both get to a point of being ok with being authentic and vulnerable with each other. Let H work to bring you closer together .... because it absolutely CAN do that.

 

Check these vids out - I think perhaps they will help you to get clarity about blame (ie, you blaming yourself) and shame and the power of being vulnerable

 

((HUGS)))