This rollercoaster ride on the H-train!

[Ann]

I have had HSV2 for years; I thought I got it from an ex-boyfriend who had been cheating but then after I got divorced I realized it could have been my new boyfriend (who ended up as my husband for the next 10 years) because it turns out he was a chronic liar and cheater.

 

I was in denial for a while because since my husband had it as well it wasn't an issue. After we split up, I felt like I couldn't be with anyone else ever again unless I could happen to find someone else who had it and was attracted to me (I have had major self image issues my whole life so this was just another stone in that rocky wall that kept or keeps my esteem in the mud. Occasionally, I would meet someone I liked but I would just tell them I wasn't looking for a sexual relationship; I met one guy who seemed to like me and we would hang out and watch movies at his house.

 

One night it was late he said he had to be at work soon but wanted an hour nap before and asked if I would just curl up with him and hold him fully clothed no sex. So I gave in but then he decided that it meant more and didn't want to take no for an answer eventually I stopped fighting him and telling to stop and just let it happen (it had been almost 2 years since I'd had sex and I was on valtrex with no symptoms, hormones, hormones and more hormones! It was wrong on both sides because I should never laid down with him and he should have respected me when I told him No and told him to stop.)

 

Later he asked me to come over for movies and I told him we had to talk his response was "What?! But I thought you were a good person, I thought you were clean" I cried as he ranted and I told him that if he had stopped any of the 10+ times I had told him too that this talk would have come first. He later apologized for what had happened and for his reaction and wanted to see me again but I was so hurt by his reaction I couldn't bring myself to see him. I did confide in another friend who had H and was surprised when he cussed me out repeatedly for it; he said if I had just screamed "I have herpes instead of stop he would have stopped" Wow, double I had expected some lecture but not this.

 

After that I started telling people from the beginning that I had herpes, it was better to have them run BEFORE I became attached than after. I still struggle from time to time but I am in a relationship with someone who understands and loves me not it but accepts it.

[Kristin (breatheandletgo)]

Oh Ann! Your post just made my heart hurt.

 

Your friend who said you should have shouted out that you had herpes rather than just say stop kind of makes me want to kick some ass. Like you are a leper who's supposed to shout "Unclean!" I am so sorry those things were said to you. :( Truly. You did not deserve any of that. From the guy who needed to learn no means no and your ding dong friend.

 

Words hurt. And they are very hard to forget. I wanted to teach this lesson to my kids when they were small so I got them both giant tubes of toothpaste and gave them a big plate and said okay, squeeze the whole thing out. Go on! It'll be fun! Haven't you always wanted to do that? Just do it! Let the toothpaste fly. And so they did. They squeezed and squeezed and when they were all done, I said okay guys...put it back. And of course they both looked at me like I was nuts.

 

Then I told them, words are like toothpaste. Fun to squeeze out, but really hard to put back. And I had them both put the toothpaste in a baggie and use it for a week so they didn't forget. They thought I was a little crazy (I might be) and kind of gross and mean for making them use it for a few days, but they are two of the kindest kids you will ever want to meet. And they don't say mean things to each other or to me or their Dad or anyone else. Really. They are just stellar human beings and NO, I'm not prejudiced. I think that toothpaste thing was one of my few shining mama moments.

 

In fact, my son got in school suspension for standing up to a bully last year. He's a bit of a gentle giant. (Six feet one in the 9th grade, size 13 shoes!) And some boys were picking on this one kid and he couldn't stand it anymore. He just went over and stood between the chief bully and the small kid and said. "Dude, that's not cool. You need to stop." And the chief bully threw a punch (quite foolishly) at my son, and my son restrained him and placed him in a trash can very gently. :D But it was considered fighting, so my son got in trouble. And after I got through educating the principal on the error of his ways, I told my son that sometimes we suffer for doing the right thing, and he would have to do the time. But that I would buy him the most expensive video game he could think of while he was in the clink and when it was over, we would go eat ice cream until we couldn't move. And we did. Because my boy is a hero and deserved to be celebrated. And bullies are cowards who need to be stopped.

 

So having said all that, I am glad you are here. I am happy you are with someone who accepts you. I am sorry for reading between the lines, but I still don't hear you saying, I am a freaking goddess who deserves to be loved like it. I hope you will get there, because you are. And that has zero to do with whether you look like a supermodel (no one does...I'm a photographer...I know) and a whole lot with who you are on the inside. Forgive yourself for wanting to be held and touched. I want that. Everyone wants that. And bullies who say hurtful things haven't ever touched the bottom of the pool of their own fears and doubts about their worth. You are doing brave work.

 

Lots of love to you, Ann. Stick around and thanks for listening to me ramble. :)

 

Kristin

[Ann]

Thank you Breathe,

 

You are very kind and my boyfriend loved what you said about "a freaking Goddess who deserves to be loved" so did I. Your lesson to your boys was a great lesson and it sounds like they have a GREAT Mom! Thank you again for sharing and for commenting.

 

Have a great week!

Ann

[WhoopsiDaysi]

Kristin, you are amazing on so many levels. I love the lessons for your kids with the toothpaste. That is brilliant!! And I am so glad to hear you made sure your son knew he did the right thing and sometimes doing the right thing isn't always easy. I loved your kind words to Ann as well. It's so true. We do deserve to be loved and cherished. We are amazing people who have a tough gig but do the right thing. We make the decision to be honest and forthright even though we know we may be rejected. We don't put other people in jeopardy for our own selfish needs. We are light years ahead of a lot of other people. Thanks Kristin for stating all of that wonderfully! And Ann, I am so very happy to hear you have found someone who loves and cherishes YOU and the wonderful person you are. He is a smart man and lucky to have you! :)

 

Brenda

[Ann]

Thanks Brenda,

Yes Im very lucky but I did kiss a lot of frogs before getting my prince. I went thru the stage of not being able to talk about it all to calling "H" and a friend told the best way to have the talk..... I started out asking if they had been tested recently, then where and where they sure they had been tested for EVERYTHING? Then I told them that I take valtrex daily...... wait for it, wait for it.... and it usually went well. The few times it wasn't positive it usually wasn't harsh either most of the time. I still made good friends who respected me if nothing else. And of course one great guy!

Ann

[lelani]

I love all these posts!!! You are all definitely cool amazing freaking goddesses fully deserving of being loved! Your posts have me smiling...and that toothpaste tough love Kristin is the best!

[WhoopsiDaysi]

I am so happy for you Ann. You know, the more I come to terms with the fact that this is a skin condition, the more ridiculous all this anxiety and stigma seems to me. I am so glad you found a man who could see that Ann and who could see what a Freaking Goddess (thanks lelani!) you are. I like how you approached the whole thing.

 

And lelani, you are the Freaking Goddess who makes this site so much fun!! Thanks so much for being the amazing you you are! xo

[lelani]

Awwh thank you....yeah we gotta keep this amazing energy going and pass it on whenever we can. Love your posts too and one day we will all get together, will be amazing! And I want to get to a seminar...working out ways of making more money than my saving the planet job pays lol! Where there is a will there's a way...just may take a little time!