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Kristin (breatheandletgo)

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Everything posted by Kristin (breatheandletgo)

  1. Thanks WCS and Victoria, I am interviewing and trying to stay hopeful. Love to you both.
  2. Ashley, You are my new hero. Seriously. Wow. I don't even know what to say except you are love more than you can ever fathom and you are going to be on my heart and mind in these coming months. Please keep us posted here. You will beat this cancer and be more alive than ever. I know it. You already are! Much love, Kristin
  3. Hi Victoria! I'm so glad it made you smile. :) It did me too.
  4. hey victoriaxx and abc, thanks so much for your comments and support. :) Swimming in the deep end takes practice and work, unfortunately. And its not always fun. I wish time would change things. It doesn't. But you can change things. And you are in a safe and encouraging place here for you to practice and work on those things in yourself, thanks to Adrial. We can only love others as fiercely as we love ourselves. I never learned that, or how to do it. (Like you abc, I was very good at the other stuff.) It has taken a conscious decision to do something else instead. Because what if I really am worth loving? I'm here (and so are you) and that is the proof we need.
  5. Hi old friends and Hi to those friends I don't know yet. It's been 2 1/2 years since finding my soul friend Adrial and this place and learning that I had herpes. At that time I had just discovered my marriage of 17 plus years was over and I'd been betrayed by my childhood best friend, my first love. He was the guy who gave me herpes. It's been a journey. And in the last two years I've discovered many more betrayals, had three surgeries and been forced to change jobs three times. I've homeschooled my son through his freshman year while working full-time because he was deeply depressed and being bullied at school, and a couple of weeks ago I was down-sized again for the third time, so I'm looking for job number four. I was severely neglected as a child, among other things, so when I got married I gave my life to my family and put myself last because I thought that meant things would be okay. Like that was some kind of insurance against anything bad ever happening. I pushed down all of my fears and shame. Instead of facing them and working through them, I chose to learn about them and made lists of ways to be happy. If I felt scared or sad, I volunteered more. I thought if I made everyone else feel happy and loved, I would feel happy and loved, but life doesn't work like that. Our lessons are our lessons. We all have our own work to do, and sometimes that work leads you away from the things that make you feel safe and the people you love so you can do it. I have so many reasons to be thankful in spite of things. My son is back in school this year and doing so well and my daughter is healing. We are closer than we have ever been. I am learning and growing every day. I am healing and learning to love myself. I am learning how shame thrives in the dark, and since I hid myself and my pain from everyone else, my shame grew to be Godzilla-sized, and for a long time it stayed that way. It took a lot of courage for me to put a leash on Godzilla, leave my marriage. And that would have been hard enough. But when I changed my life I learned almost everyone in it was more invested in me staying as I was, than seeing me grow and heal. I'd chosen those people. I knew why once I'd left. I've since studied a lot about shame and if you ever read about shame you would have to read Brene' Brown, which I have and do. A lot. And I've learned from her what it looks like when people are dealing with shame and how I dealt with mine for so long and survived. Some people move away from others and withdraw...they hide and silence themselves and keep their secrets. Some people move against others, power up and get aggressive and fight their own shame by shaming others. Some people move toward others and look for ways to please them and appease them, and by doing that feel better about themselves. That was me. I couldn't love and serve everyone else enough and I hoped against hope it would fix my shame. But all that did was move me further away from myself. So what I do now is say it when I feel it. And right now I feel like shit. I am tired of looking for a new job. I am lonely and worried about everything and frustrated with the slow pace at which change is coming to me. I guess it isn't slow when you realize I did it another way for 40 years, but the last three have been long. LONNNNGGG. And I still feel so broken. But I'm not hiding or pleasing anymore. So that makes it uncomfortable. And I'm not letting shame write my story. What I AM trying to do is ask myself every day what the most courageous thing I can do for myself is, and then I do that. I think that's the way out. And so I'm doing it. And I am sharing that story with people who have earned the right to hear it and no one else. And that is only three people now, and you guys. The circle gets small when it starts getting real. So if you're wringing your hands about disclosing to someone, ask yourself if they have earned the right to see your vulnerable places and if they haven't, wait. If they have, tell it straight and be ready to do the next most courageous thing for yourself no matter how they respond. This is about you and your story. I will keep you posted about the Lifetime movie that is my life at the moment. grace and peace, Kristin
  6. Haven't been here in a while, but I loved this quote and thought I would share. Not all of the haters are jackasses, but when they are...remember the above advice from one of my mentors. peace, Kristin
  7. Miss you too, A. I'll email you. I could use a chat with one of my most favorite people ever. Love you, K
  8. I haven't been here in while, and I miss it...life has just been so challenging and exhausting so I've been taking everything a day at a time. I started a new job last week that will hopefully offer more balance for me. I am hopeful... Anyway, watched this video this morning and thought my friends here would appreciate it and understand how it applies to us. For those of you I don't know yet, Hey there!!!...and to my old friends...I've missed you and will try to pop in here more and let you know you've never left my thoughts or my heart. http://www.upworthy.com/a-4-year-old-girl-asked-a-lesbian-if-shes-a-boy-she-responded-the-awesomest-way-possible?g=2&c=fea Kristin
  9. Hi lovemyself, I have struggled with irregular periods much of my life and though I don't think herpes is causing your periods to be irregular, stress may contribute to the change or hormonal changes in your body. See your doctor and talk about it. Your periods being so close together may cause you to be anemic (low on iron) and cause fatigue which may lower your immunity which would hinder your ability to fight the virus. Hope that helps a little, sweetheart. Take good care. Kristin
  10. Welcome, Cam. Glad you are here. And by all means, get tested. No sense worrying about what may not be. But if it is herpes, it doesn't have to be a life sentence of aloneness and misery. Herpes does not have to get in the way of your dreams. It may be the path to you becoming your best self. It has been for me. I'm 42 and feel like I am just beginning to embrace myself fully. My herpes diagnosis led me to a lot of healing. It can be the same for you, even if you don't have herpes. Just this wake up call to becoming all you were meant to be. And I honestly think you need to see another doctor. I don't like his treatment of your concerns at all. He seems very disconnected from the anxiety you are having about your symptoms. There is a huge education gap in the medical community about herpes, so your experience isn't uncommon. I just think seeing someone new is worth considering. Take the handouts Adrial has put together with you. There are a lot of issues addressed there that will help you get answers and educate your doctor if needed. Love yourself, Cam. Take care of yourself. Speak kindly to yourself in your head. Get all the yuck out in a journal or open a word doc on your computer and start typing, but don't let the negative thoughts grow. I put sticky notes on my mirror and in my car to remind me to be grateful, know I am loved, that I have a purpose to fulfill in this life and that nothing is going to keep me from that. You have to train yourself to think in a new way and face down the shame you carry. We all have it. We all need healing. You can begin that journey now and whether you have herpes or not, your life will be better and you will be more alive than you were before. much love, Kristin
  11. I would encourage everyone to take these handouts to their doctor's office. I took a few to my gynecologist. I gave them Adrial's email for information about how to obtain more than those few. I hope at some point those materials can support this site, but for now, letting them know..."Hey, I found this website really helpful and they had these handouts that are something I could have really used when I was diagnosed. Would you be willing to share this information with newly diagnosed patients? I think it would bring a lot of comfort and hope." This is most everyone's experience at the doctor and we can change it one person at a time. much love, Kristin
  12. Hey sj, I have been in therapy and it has helped. Initially I felt like this herpes thing was so HUGE...but what I realized is that herpes just really brings up a lot of junk we've buried about ourselves and it's not really the herpes we're dealing with per se, but the deeper part of ourselves where we have shame. We all have it, and we all need healing. Herpes can be the catalyst for deeper healing if you allow it to be. You can learn to love yourself in spite of all of the things you see as flaws or broken places. I would give therapy a go if you can swing it. Find a therapist that feels right for you. It may not be the first one you see, but find someone you feel comfortable with who will ask you what your goals are for therapy. A goal oriented, skilled therapist can guide you through dealing with all of your emotions surrounding herpes and help you get to the deeper issues in your heart and soul. And like Brenda said, I would also highly recommend the herpes weekend seminar. Adrial is amazing and wise and experienced in walking hundreds of people get to the root of their shame about herpes and themselves. If you can get there, you should go. If you're struggling with getting there, email Adrial and find a time to talk to him. much love, Kristin
  13. Sayywhatt, I call what you're doing emotional cutting. :( Doing things you know are going to make you feel bad about yourself later. It's a hard habit to break when you're feeling lonely and unattractive, and all of those things we feel when we have shame, but the aftermath isn't worth it. I have SO been there and know what you are feeling. It's a momentary feel good and a lot of feel bad afterward. How are you nurturing yourself and growing in your acceptance of yourself...forget herpes, but how are you working on yourself to become the woman you want to be? I wrote a letter to my 19yo self on a post by sjj238. I'm 42 now and I wish someone would have told me a lot of things I wrote there when I was younger. Check it out and see if any of it might speak to you. http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1110/does-age-matter#Item_2 And honey, if he has a girlfriend, this could end up being a very painful thing for you. I worry for you, sweetheart. Please take care of yourself. Do things that reinforce your sense of self-worth and make you feel proud of being you. I hope this doesn't come off as harsh...I really do understand where you are, have been there myself and want you to know you are valuable, important and loved. Kristin
  14. Hi SJ, I'm an oldie (42) :) so I can't speak to your particular age group, but I do remember being 19. I can't answer your question, but I CAN tell you what I would say NOW to my 19 year old self about men and sex and love and the whole dang thing. And there is a lot! So...I thought I'd write a letter to 19 year-old me, from 42 yo me, here for you to read. It will be what I wish I could go back and tell 19 year old me. Maybe reading that will help you in some way. I hope so. Sending you the biggest hug ever. >:D< Dear 19 year-old Me, You are such an amazing young woman! You have come through so much, and you have survived! Not only that, you are learning more every day how to take care of yourself in this scary, crazy world and working so hard to figure out the kind of woman you want to be. I know how much you look forward to finding that special relationship that will heal your loneliness, that guy who will make you feel like the only girl in the world. I know you long for the one who will be your best friend and lover. I know. But here's what 42yo me wants you to know. You will look back on this time in the future, after you've married young, at age 21 and borne two children, and wish you'd taken the time to know yourself, love yourself, and discover how to heal your own loneliness. You will wish you had spent more time thinking about what you need in a partner rather than how to get a guy to want you. You will wish you had waited until you knew this before you jumped in with both feet and set in motion a life you would eventually struggle to make fit. You will have hurt a lot more than you hurt now, waiting for a guy to like you. You may not be able to imagine it, but you will. So listen to me, ok? Because you are so much more than you realize. Spend more time with your grandparents and/or find other older people to talk with. Old people were 19 once, and though their 19 year old experience and yours are vastly different, they have perspective you need, especially when your heart aches. And they will be so cheered by your smile and by a younger person taking the time to ask them about their lives. Spend more time giving to others. You will wish you'd done it when you had the chance. You will know when you are my age, that serving others is a good way to connect yourself to the big picture of living in this world and in doing so, you will find yourself and your place in the story. Fill the empty, angst-filled nights you spend listening to Richard Marx wax poetic about love, offering to take a single mother's children for ice cream so she can enjoy a relaxing bath, or create some art or bake something yummy to take to a nursing home so you can brighten someone else's day. You will wish you had done that when you had the chance, because doing so would have revealed to you the incredible difference you can make in this world, just by being you. And having this knowledge would have given you the resolve not to choose a partner who doesn't know the same. Plan a cool trip with some girlfriends or even by yourself. Choose an adventure and do what it takes to make it happen. Because when you are 42, you will know that setting a goal for yourself, just to nurture and invest in yourself, is a great habit to develop. You will know that travel broadens you and opens you in a way nothing else can. You will wish you had found a way to see different people and places and cultures while you were so young, so you didn't feel like a small girl from a small town, but like the citizen of the world you are. I want you to know what you will miss by waiting for a guy to validate you or make you feel special. What you will miss is the chance to be extraordinary before your time. What you worry about is important to you, but it is less important than you realize, because here's the thing: the kind of man you want to create a life with will be there when you are ready. He will. And he won't care about the things you want to hide about yourself, mostly because there won't be many left. Please do what it takes to know and love and trust yourself. Don't wait for someone else to do it for you. The results of your efforts will light you from the inside out and draw all of the right people and experiences to you. I promise. Love, 42 yo Me
  15. Forever, you will find a new normal. In fact, this is a real opportunity to work on yourself, accept yourself and love the parts of you that feel ashamed or broken. What that girl said to you was unkind and she doesn't sound like a good choice for an intimate partner. Her rejection of you was about HER, not about you or herpes. Rejection is about the other person. Their preferences, their own issues. Rejection happens to everyone many times in life. It's just a part of being human. But if you learn to use it to grow, it will be an opportunity for you to tend to the hurts in your heart. What does her rejection touch on inside of you? Tend to that hurt. If you are deciding your future is bleak because of what she said, you are giving her a lot of power! If her reaction to a situation gets to determine your worth or how lovable you are or your future, isn't that giving her a little too much power? And do you really want to give her that? Should we all call her to see if we are lovable and have hope? ;) I am messing with you, but I want you to see how things can get so out of proportion in your head. Begin to do the work of learning to love and accept yourself as you are. If you do that, you won't ever give someone else the power to shake you to your core or change your view of yourself. You might feel disappointment or a momentary ache from unmet expectations after rejection, but your peace and sense of hope will come from within. You are only a lost cause if you give up, Forever. Don't give up on yourself. You are worth fighting for...so fight. Tell yourself the truth: this was one girl, one situation. Your anxiety will lessen as you practice taking care of yourself emotionally. And when you have done that, the sex issues will resolve themselves. I have no doubt with a loving partner you will be able to enjoy a satisfying sexual experience, condoms or not. Be the love of your own life right now. Journal and practice being grateful for the blessings of every day. Giving to or serving others in some way can be very healing too. Those are just ideas...you'll have to find your own way here, but there are lots of us with you on the journey. Stay strong and know your future is yours to create. Peace, Kristin
  16. So happy for you, my sweet friend! [Told you so!] :D Sending you so much love. K
  17. Hi NS...I don't have any words for you today. Just sending you a warm hug and wishes for peace and strength for you. Have you listened to the call How to Never Feel Rejected Again? (link up and to the right?) Adrial interviewed me and another member of our community. It was helpful for me even just talking it out. I had a painful encounter with someone I met online who HAD herpes. He was all up in my kool aid and psyched to meet me...so much so that he flew two hours to see me. We spent the day together and had a great time...or so I thought. Long story short...he called me when he got home and said he wanted his d**k to get hard when he kissed me and it didn't, so...he didn't want to continue to have contact. I felt really hurt, but then I came to my senses and realized he was a huge ass and I was glad things didn't go any further. Rejection is a part of life. What we have to learn is how to respond when it happens. We'd experience rejection even if we didn't have herpes. It is the story we tell ourselves about our herpes that causes us to hide and feel like damaged goods. But that story is a lie. So what is the truth about you, NS? What do you have to offer a woman in a relationship? I bet it is all kinds of good. Will you share a few things here? Stay strong, Kristin
  18. Great story, Optimist. You gave me some hope today. No matter how "well" you did it...you did it. That is what matters. Go you! much love, Kristin
  19. Time, Download the How to Never Feel Rejected Again audio if you haven't listened already. I so know how you are feeling. It hurts. I truly believe as you grow in self-acceptance the right man will appear. I try to view the situation like this...everyone is a teacher. What did this experience reveal in you? Make that your focus and you will be just fine.
  20. Joanne, I am also sorry you are suffering. :( Sending you a hug... Kristin
  21. Mummy, I have not had urine retention with H, but did after I had an allergic reaction to anesthetic post-surgery and it was miserable. When you get the catheter out it will be tough, but anything you can do to relax yourself will help. Have a glass of wine. (or three) Not only will the fluids keep things going but you will be more relaxed. Also, if you are sore down there, which you most likely will be, fill the bathtub with a couple of inches of warm water and urinate in there...I know it sounds gross...but it sure as hell beats a catheter and urine is sterile and you can shower afterward...or pour warm water over your girly bits while you urinate to relieve the pain. I am so sorry you are experiencing this...let us know how you are. Much love, Kristin
  22. I am so sorry to have missed this...I was all set to go...plane ticket in hand, but work interfered and I had to stay home. More than a little heartbroken. But it warms my heart to hear your experience, Brenda. I know how much it encourages Adrial to hear it, too. He pours himself into this experience for everyone there. Much love to all of you for making this investment in yourselves. Kristin
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