Should I tell him? Recently diagnosed and seeking HELP

[taybny]

First, let me tell you about my story.

 

Last week I visited my college that I will be attending in the fall. I stayed with a guy friend (in a frat house at the school) who I don't really know very well but have been talking to for a couple of months. I went out with him and his friends to a bar and got very drunk. Once we got back to the house one thing lead to another (he gave me oral) and the next thing I know we're having sex (I was a virgin before this lovely night and told him I was). The next morning I felt sore obviously and felt like shit that I let that happen to me. Feeling embarrassed, I stayed with a girl friend the next night in a dorm and ran into a couple of the guy's "frat bros" who harassed me on campus and were saying how there's no way I was a virgin before him.

 

A day or two later I noticed that I was developing what looked like a cold sore and I've never had one of those in my life prior to this. Upon returning home after my visit I had two giant cold sores on my lip and felt terrible pain in my vagina. Obviously I was concerned so I went to my OBGYN and she scraped my vagina which hurt like a bitch and drew blood, etc. She then proceeded to tell me that it's vaginal herpes. I'm a 17 year old girl who just lost her virginity to a guy I don't care about AND I have genital herpes.

 

The main reason I came to this forum is to ask you guys how you think I should approach this situation. The guy who I'm almost positive that gave it to me has been in previous relationships and has hooked up with many girls. The last time I received oral from anyone was at least a month before I visited this guy. Clearly I couldn't even trust him to keep the fact that I was a virgin to himself so I'm worried that if I confront him about getting herpes he will make my college life a living hell along with his asshole fraternity brothers. I'm currently being looked at like a total slut by my entire family and am in a current state of shock, disbelief, and depression. I feel like a total idiot and cannot stop crying. Please help.

[Athena]

First of all, take a deep breath lovey. It's going to be ok!! I promise. Secondly, you did the right thing by having it checked out and knowing so that you can take the correct steps to heal and educate yourself. I'm so sorry that they were harassing you! That really infuriates me. Here's something I want you to consider though: If you tell him, and I suggest that you do, don't worry about him telling people and making your life hell. Think of how it'd make him look to his friends who already know that you slept together! It'd be obvious that he gave it to you and it would only make him look bad. If he decided to tell people it'd only backfire on him. Telling him in private face to face would be my suggestion. OR at the very least, ask him about his sexual history and if he's ever had any cold sores? He may just not know he has it. It will be ok. I promise. *hugs*

[taybny]

Thank you for taking the time to read my long post and giving me much needed advice @Athena ! This forum is currently the only support I have right now and it's keeping me from breaking down completely.

[WCSDancer2010]

@taybny

 

So let me tell you something. I got H when I lost my virginity to a guy I didn't care about over 35 yrs ago. AND, my life is beautiful and normal and H hasn't defined me.

 

It's unfortunate that the guy has a mouth on him that he thought it was ok to tell all his friends ... but sadly that's not unusual in the Frat world.... so consider it an lesson in the hook-up culture of college dorm life.

 

So - you can ALLOW him to be the "big man on campus" and get away with this, or you can call him on it, and tell him that if he says one more peep about your dalliance that you will tell the whole campus that he has Herpes and that he gave it to you, and that you have the proof. There is nothing to be ashamed of with H ... especially assuming you got HSV1 from him (which, given you said you got a sore on your lip is a pretty reasonable assumption)....60% of all young people have HSV1 by the time they start college. Once you talk to him, you can offer to educate him, or out him. If you confront him with CONFIDENCE that you have done NOTHING WRONG .... that you just had a dalliance that should have been a private thing between you and that it's not cool for him to tell everyone, I'm willing to bet you can get him to shut up about what happened. I'd be tempted to demand that he get his friends to apologize for their taunts too..... to tell them that he lied.

 

How you take this on right now will affect the next 4 years of your college life. You can become stronger from it, or allow it to define who you are on campus (slut, whatever) because young people can be ugly to anyone who displays weakness.

 

(((HUG))) friend. Find your inner strength, take control of the situation, and make it known that you won't let this define you...ok?

 

(((HUGS)))

[taybny]

Agreed @WCSDancer2010 ! It's comforting to know that I'm not the only one who lost their virginity to a not-so-special guy and subsequently got H. After getting quality advice I think I have the strength to confront him about it. Thank you so much for your support and help. I won't let this define me. I have so much to look forward to and work for in my life. I'm trying to look at this as a learning experience but it's hard when your family isn't supporting you and you feel like you can't tell any of your friends without it becoming public knowledge. I'm trying to handle this on my own but it isn't easy and that's why I'm so thankful for this forum and people like you. *hugs*

 

Taylor

[whitedaisies]

Well, then u need to surround urself w supportive people and that means finding new friends and using this forum too!!

 

You can do this!

 

My therapist has been a great sense of support and sometimes therapy helps too especially if u click w ur therapist. Mine is a Buddhist....wow why a great perspective she has.

 

Anyway, put boundaries up where people aren't supportive. It took 8 months for my parents to get to a place where they could support me....and they still miss the mark more than half te time.

 

Accept and love urself and the rest will come.

 

Good Luck!

[taybny]

I would love to see a therapist if they weren't so damn expensive :/ And yeah I'm hoping my parents will learn to love me again like they did before my diagnosis. Thanks for the response @whitedaisies :) I'm on the path to self love

[whitedaisies]

Wonderful to hear !!!!!

 

You are worth all the effort so u can love urself again....and maybe ur parents will never get to where u want tem to be and that's sad but don't let that stop u. You are an adult, u have lots of luv to give and lots of opportunity to receive it. Where some luv comes w conditions.....it is not pure and u need pure luv in ur life now. Don't settle and don't let it get u down, ok?!?!

 

U are not broken, u are whole and don't let others make u feel otherwise. Part of this journey is also self empowerment!!!! Embrace that too.

 

Good luck and lots of hugs.

 

 

[WCSDancer2010]

And yeah I'm hoping my parents will learn to love me again like they did before my diagnosis.

 

Honey, they DO love you like they did before. But they are in transition too. Because they just got a wake-up call that their baby is growing up and becoming a woman. And that can be hard... especially when our kids do something that can have long term effects on their life. So be patient with them. And tell them that you need them to just love you and not judge you. They may need to hear that from you too :)

 

(((HUGS)))