I would have NEVER thought..

[Cali]

This is how it all started. This is going to be long; I know you guys understand. So.. I met this guy when I was 14, we were so close, best friends and started dating at 16, we were both virgins and had sex for the first time at 17. We broke up at 18 and didn't speak for two years... It was hard for me to get over him, especially the way we stopped talking but the way our friendship was we still spoke when we came in contact. I went out with some friends in July and saw him and like normally, we hug and catch up. That night I had a few drinks too many, I had just got back from a cruise that I enjoyed and had drinks everyday all day. So when I returned home I was still drinking like a fish. Lol Anyways, I told him I missed him he said call me, I took his number called him when we left and he told me to meet him at his house. When I got there we laughed and talked for awhile like normal. I knew what I came for but he didn't just go straight for the kill. I kissed him and he said you're so drunk and we laughed.. Minutes later, I'm giving him oral and he's not fully extended. I asked him "what's wrong" and laughed he says, "You were my first" I didn't know that until that night, he said it before but I didn't believe him. So that night I said "awwww, and look at us 5 years later". Eventually things got better, he put on a condom and here we go. We used 2 condoms and I laughed cause he had this HUGE bag of condoms, I guess the ones you get from the health department. I got up to use the bathroom and he yelled out "ARE YOU OKAY?" I'll NEVER forget that, it actually keeps playing in my head and I said Yes!??!. Not even thinking WHY would he ask me that. HE NEVER ASKS QUESTIONS LIKE THAT. Not in a situation like this (me not being aware). I came back into the room we start again this time no protection and everything is so wet.We fall asleep, get up the next morning talked for a while and I left. Funny thing is WE NEVER TALKED AFTER THAT DAY!!!!! I reached out to him twice. A few days after that day I called him to tell him my private was still hurting from the pounding to joke and laugh like he put it down!! I shaved within the next week and had a cut between my >cheeks< I'm thinking, I cut myself while shaving.. No biggie. Then it happened again. Shaving. No biggie. Then it happened again shaving but this time it didn't heal as fast. I made a doctors appt. I had an irregular discharge; didn't smell just large amount to go along with my "cut". Also from all the moisture I'm just thinking it's just a lot of girly things going on down there, I was aware of what everything looked like, I would have NEVER thought H!!! When I got to the doctor I explained, she took a culture this was a Friday, Monday the nurse called and my heart CRACKED. I didn't cry, I was more shocked than anything.. WHY ME!? I couldn't believe it. I talked, made jokes about my now ex friend about this, she was a nasty girl but now I see that you don't even have to be "nasty" to be betrayed. I trusted him, and I think someone told me he had an std before, I can't remember and I'm scared to ask my friends because then I might have to tell them. Lol I can laugh about it cause I'm not really an uptight person, I love laughing and smiling but sometimes when I'm alone I do feel elky! I feel ugly, I feel disgusting, I have felt like this was the end for me, I saw this website all the forums and I disclosed to my best friend and we talk about everything. It wasn't so hard we are pretty blunt and straight forward but I've NEVER HAD AN STD, STI, ST NOTHING BEFORE so this made me feel soooo degrading! It's only been a week but I beat myself up about it. I should have been smarter, but I trusted him and still cared. That was the problem. Now I'm going to need help telling other people close to me not that they have to know, but even a new guy... HOW!? I know I'm waiting on sex until it's well worth it. I have read A LOT of discussions and did research, I'm pretty hipped to it. I'm just mentally distraught! I NEED Hbuddies message me!!! &I just know it was him, I haven't been sexual with anyone since, I can go without it for long periods of time, I texted him the other day and said "YOU COULD HAVE TOLD ME" no response. I feel like he did it, didn't mean to "hurt" me, has to live with it and afraid to face me. It's not that I have H it's caring sooo much about the person that didn't care enough about me to tell me!! Ughhh

[Cali]

Same exact Post! Sorry..

[Jennie]

We all go through this and most of the time we do get H from someone we cared about. Not only does the diagnosis itself hurt, but so does the feeling of betrayal! We all think what if, if only, but sadly life doesn't have a rewind button. The world would constantly run backwards if it did!

 

You're sunny personality will be a great asset on the road to healing! I don't use e-mail much but you can always private message me on here and I use facebook a lot.

 

Also, you have come to the right place there are so many wonderful, compassionate, and knowledgeable people on here!

 

I feel like herpes is spreading so much because either people don't know they have it OR they get drowned in the stigma and are too ashamed or scared to disclose - and too selfish to abstain.

[WCSDancer2010]

@Cali

 

Hello and Welcome!

 

I feel like he did it, didn't mean to "hurt" me, has to live with it and afraid to face me.

 

I would guess you are quite correct there..... people buy into the stigma and the shame and each one reacts differently.

 

It's late - I have to get to bed, but I want you to know you will be fine. I've had H for 35 years and it's mostly been barely a blip on my radar after the first few years when I didn't know what that odd "rash" was (it was the 80's .. info was minimal then)... I've been married, had 2 children, divorced and 2 post divorce H- BF's. Life goes on.

 

We are here to help you figure your way through your first weeks and months. Come back whenever you need support, to rant, or to share your experiences...

 

(((HUGS)))

 

 

[forgivenessandpeace]

Messaging you...

[Cali]

Thanks guys! I try to stay positive.. I think about this EVERYDAY, like no one can see any OB's unless my clothes are off which they won't be so why am I acting like I can't go on Normal. I feel like I'm hiding! What can I do to think less of it? Also I was able to get it cultured, so did I have an OB? like those times I was shaving and thought I was cut, was it an OB? I haven't had any bumps or blisters. Only punctured skin, red and hurtful, stings, hurts when washing.. Was that an OB? it's happened 3 times over the course of 3 months...

[WCSDancer2010]

Normal will come with time .... be patient with yourself. As you learn to manage the virus and the OB's "normal" will return :)

 

Can't tell you if they were OB', ingrown hairs or shaving nicks. If they all occurred after something like your period, it *may* have been an OB but at this point you will never know... but if they keep happening after certain stressors (period, work stuff, etc) then you can assume it's an OB ... the only way you will know for sure is getting them swabbed though.