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My boyfriend is terrified to sleep with me... HELP

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So my boyfriend and I have been together for 10 months, faithfully, and I found out a month ago that I have genital herpes. He immediately asked if I had been with anyone else, and of course I told him no. He seemed to believe me and we just kept living. A few weeks later after my outbreak had cleared up I kept trying to be intimate with him and I got nothing. I didn't think anything of it for a few more weeks, until he said he just didn't care about being intimate... This broke my heart. We finally talked a little bit. He still has yet to be tested, I think he is scared of the results. Anyways he is terrified to sleep with me if he doesn't have it. I'm scared it over for us because it still seems he doesn't trust that I haven't been with anybody, I mean he does, but it's the what if... I don't know how to make him trust me... I am scared if he finds out he doesn't have herpes we will never be intimate again, and if we aren't how can we ever make it? Then again if he does have it I'm scared he will secretly blame me... This scares me, he is the love of my life and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. He swears he only wants to be with me and that he doesn't want to leave. I have given him an out, I mean I understand his being scared or whatever, but if I were in his shoes I know I love him and want to be with him forever and I would take the risk. I just don't know what to do, or how to handle this situation... Any and all input is welcome and needed.


Thanks in advance!


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Hey em!

Well this is a toughy...

i totally understand both parties here.


So first some questions,

1; how were you diagnosed?

2; do you know what type you have?

3 do you know *specifically where* the virus is gennitally?

These are important to know so you can help your partner be protected...


Secondly.... i would show him this site, or text him the links.

oral and vaginal sex arent to be considered dangerous if you are taking all the right precations.


For hsv2 gennital : there is a 4% risk of transmission (that yearly, twice a week statistics)

Using a condom OR being on suppressive therapy ( 1 pill of valtrex or acyclovir or famcyclovir) daily reduces transmission rates by 50 to 80%.

So now ur looking at 2% or less transmission rate.

using BOTH , lowers transmission rates by another 50%, leaving u with roughly 1% transmission rate.


For the record theres like a 2% chance that youll get hurt in a car accident in a year.


Heres some links...








I hsv2-g, my bf is h-, and we have sex and oral sex often. So far he is still h-

We dont use condoms as i am allergic to latex.

im also on valtrex 1 pill, 500mg daily.

Hope this helps a bit!

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@willow I was diagnosed by my gyno. I had a sore on my butt cheek/inner thigh, and I went to get checked out. She did a swab test and I'm not 100% positive what type of herpes I have, I was so much in shock when she told me, I just know it is the genital kind and not the oral. He said he was tested at a clinic just before we started seeing each other.


Do you by any chance know how rare it is for the virus to not show symptoms for 10 months or more? I'm not sure when I actually contracted it, I just know it's either from him, or from someone way before him...


I am currently taking the valtrex pill daily as well, and we have finally had sex once. He used a condom and kept his boxers on, it kinda took the magic out of it a bit. But he felt safe I think... I dunno...


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Just so u know... 50% of new cases if herpes comes from oral sex.

BOTH hsv1 (coldsores) AND hsv2 can cause issues on the gennitals.


As for symptons... 80% of people who have herpes dont know it because of asympotmatic shedding. That means someone can carry the hsv virus ( 1 or 2) and not even know it because they dont have o.b.s


You *could* have contracted it from a recent ex... or from someone back in the day.

if you show symptons 2 to 20 days after having sex.... its likely it was the most recent.

but @WCSDancer2010 knows people who have had an o.b. 20 + years into their marriage.

Its a tricky lil bugger...


Also when you go to get an std test, MOST places dont test for herpes.

stupid i know... so you should ask him if he KNOWS wether or not he was teated dor herpes as he may not have been...

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Em, I woukd give him time & keep the lines of communication open. Answering any questions he has is helpful as well as providing him with the resources provided here as long as he has an open mind & is interested. My Dr said I could meet with her & bring my boyfriend & she would explain it to him too. It's important for him to be tested.

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PS: I'm waiting for my boyfriends test results. I Don't know where we'll go if he's negative. But as my Dr said, it's unlikely that he'll be negative because we've been together over a year. If he's positive we'll never know who gave it to whom. Or maybe we both had it already. Either way as she said it really doesn't matter & we'll probably never know. Thsts the hardest- not knowing how you got it. Neither of us shows signs. Needless to say this came as a complete shock to me. I'm 67 yrs old; never had symptoms; was found when I decided to be tested as part of my OBGYN 6 month exam as they always ask & this time I said yes. It's turned my world upside down. Just found out that when you have a low number score there's a chance of a false positive, so I'm considering being re-tested with another test. But waiting for his test results is torture. I know what you're going through. Hang in there.

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