GHSV1 Destroyed My Engagement

[hawazin]

I have been engaged for over six months, our relationship was strong and healthy, and our love was mutual. suddenly my fiancee got a genital ulcer. She was informed at the STD clinic that she has GHSV1, and she became completely hysterical. She blamed me for ruining her life and her future, and decided to break off the engagement 10 days later. Adding that she "couldn't stand the thought of me touching her ever again". This was 2 months ago. I've never had any symptoms all my life. I did test and I got negative results, although it looks like 1 out of 10 people have undetectable antibody levels.

 

I am incredibly depressed and I do not know what to do, is this a justified reaction? Should I give her some time to come to terms with this thing? How much? Should I forget about her and move on?

 

 

[ShaeShae]

Let me be the first to say how very sorry I am to hear that. I was recently dumped after coming clean. He left me with the statement: "I cannot possibly bear the thought of having a disgusting sore like that on my face, let alone on my junk". . . Which, naturally, destroyed me.

 

To him I said: "You're not a man, you're a coward". And it's true. You and I have quite unfortunately been judged by our partner's eyes, not their hearts. And just like I am holding onto to hope by a thread that there is a real man in this world, willing to take me on, you too must hope that there is a true woman, worthy of everything you have to offer. Because the rest of them are shallow fools. I keep hoping, even when my hope feels utterly pointless. I hope anyway. If you need anybody to talk to, I'm here. I'm still new at this too but I can lend an "ear".

[hawazin]

I am terribly sorry about this ShaeShae. Thanks for your support, in my case I'm just dumbfounded because this is my fiancee who I was planning my life with, and who just 5 days before the incident was crying because she was simply contemplating life for one day being without me.

it's just bizarre. I think she (being extremely sensitive) did go into such a deep depression over this (which she blames on me) and I am just wondering if I should wait and contact her a few months later or what she did was inexcusable, just how long does it take for someone with GHSV1 to adjust on average?

[ShaeShae]

That definitely puts a different spin on things. It appears you are not exactly in the same boat as me. . . It's certainly a delicate situation to be sure. Have you spoken to her at all recently or has it been 'radio silence'?

[hawazin]

It started October 1.

She told me she wants to end things October 11.

She told me it's definitely over October 19.

and then she stopped talking. I've been trying to text her all this time, never a response. never picking up the phone.

then she blocked me on everything.

then I tried to talk to her mom November 14, and she told it's been long over.

at this point I gave her my ring back, and they sent mine just this Monday.

so now it's officially over.

 

But I don't know, I still feel knowing her, that she just needs time to accept this, but after this, will she be able to "forgive" me, she knows I didn't know, she's convinced I gave it to her though, even though my tests are negative.

[E9507]

Shaeshae how long were you dating before you were dumped for disclosing?

[caterpillarmonarch]

@hawazin I'm so incredibly sorry to hear your story. She seems to be reacting in a very irrational matter. I wish I had the words to erase it away, but please know we are here to support you

[ShaeShae]

@hawazin, I would give it a few months. Easier said than done, I know, but maybe she just does need time. I would give it a shot, because you never know until you try. Practice patience and take the time to work on yourself, activities that are healthy and diverting for you. Be the best 'you' that you can be. Then try again with a clear head and an open heart. There is no promise that it will work but then you can say you tried, if it doesn't work after that, that's on her then, not you.

 

@E9507 I was with him for several months. We had reached the point where intimacy was becoming an issue, wanting to take it to that next level.

[ShaeShae]

@inka - Truly insensitive and hurtful. And made more shocking by how attentive and real he was leading up to that moment. Made it all the more devastating because of that.

 

Thank you for your kind words and encouragement. I feel better every day that I am here on the forum.

[ShaeShae]

Hindsight is definitely 20/20 lol. I can think of a hundred other biting remarks I could have come up with :)

[WCSDancer2010]

@hawazin

 

Hello and Welcome!

 

Well, sorry to say this but you may have dodged a really big bullet. If she isn't willing to get educated and understand how you could have not known (or SHE could have carried it for some time asymptomatically) and she's just going to lash out at you and blame you, well, you are seeing a side of her that may come out again in the future, when you have a LOT more invested and it's a lot harder to break up. Herpes makes a GREAT Wingman .... believe me!

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/using-herpes-as-your-wingman/

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3309/successful-herpes-disclosure-but-not-for-the-reasons-you-might-think (Herpes Wingman example Mazedaze818 )

 

I would say let her go. IF you really want to make some kind of effort, I would say send the handouts and e-book (print it out yourself) from here and send it to her (maybe via her Mom?) and ask her to at least get PROPERLY educated about the virus.

 

Handouts + disclosure e-book:

http://eepurl.com/b4IPP

 

Herpes facts video

 

Beyond that, I would move on myself. I've ignored signs in other relationships in the past that came back to bite my ass later on ... and this seems to be a sign that she is not willing to learn about the reality of how she may have got it....

 

BTW, was she diagnosed via blood test or swab? If it's a blood test, with no symptoms, it's VERY possible she's carried it for some time unwittingly.

 

(((HUGS)))

[hawazin]

@inka

Thank you dear, yes I told her, but she did not respond.

@caterpillarmonarch

Thank you, I know. She always had an irrational temper, and you could never win an argument when she's like this. but she usually calms down.

 

@WCSDancer2010

Your words put serenity on my heart. I do feel like that sometimes and I realize logically it might be best, but after a while I begin to miss her again. She was my first childhood love, and I associate all purity and innocence to her, she still is innocent in a way, the way she loves and hates things irrationally. The thing is, I know what she's like. She is extremely sensitive and when she doesn't like something there's no consoling her until she calms down. It might sound bad, but to be honest it was never really a big problem as it doesn't happen often.

So I'm just wondering if one day, months later, if she will calm down, and if I can reach out then. or will it be too late then. It's this 'hope' that i have that torments me. Because I know that she loves me (she said that herself when she was breaking up with me)

She was diagnosed with both, and she told me it "came back positive", I am not sure which though, by the point I got more educated about herpes she was not talking to me. Her outbreak was painful and apparently has never happened before.

 

[WCSDancer2010]

She always had an irrational temper, and you could never win an argument when she's like this. but she usually calms down.

 

Do you REALLY want to spend 10,20,30, or 50 years with someone like that? REALLY? I think that if you get into a relationship with a woman who is BALANCED and RATIONAL. I think that right now, this "feels" normal and ok for you. Just wondering, is anyone in your family like that? We are often drawn to what feels "normal" to us. Think about it.... ;)

 

It's natural to hope they will come back later. Whatever happens, in the meantime, I suggest that you get out, enjoy time with your friends, and learn to love YOURSELF more. If you are as young as I feel you are (being childhood friends) it would be good for you to do some things independently and with no attachments. Take it from someone who got married at 19 ... as much as I don't regret my marriage, I DO regret not "finding myself" FIRST ... it wasn't until after my divorce that I found who I am at my core ;)

 

(((HUGS)))

[hawazin]

Thank you WCSDancer2010 for your words, they do make me feel better and more clear about what to do :) :) thanks to all the wonderful people who posted here as well