The Struggle To Move On..

[Bella]

I found out I had herpes early october..

 

I didn't know what was happening to my body or what was going on with me.. I would usually get this wax and after I got that waxing done I was in some pain because I was still a little tender a couple days went by and I was hurting when I went to pee and I couldnt sit down without being in some kind of pain I was so confused on why I was in so much pain then one morning i took a mirror and checked my area and believe or not I see all these blisters and right then I knew what I contracted and I started crying, freaking out because I didnt know what to do then....

 

To back track though about maybe 4 months b4 I found out I have herpes I was working at a club as a bartender at the time I was in a relationship but I met someone while I was working he seemed like a really cool guy and he was from jersey we talked and right away we connected mind you though i wasnt flirting or in anyway having the intention of cheating but i gave my number to this guy and lets just say his name was John. John was a good guy he was a little older then me but i didn't mind so roughly 2 months later i didnt see him for quite some time and wasnt in any rush to because i was in a relationship with someone i really care about whose name lets say his name is julian. Roughly in august me and julian started to have a lot of problems and arguments which took a toll on our relationship and was a gianormous stress on me i was about to be back in college but anyways to sum it up my boyfriend julian at the time was away late august to a trip to visit family and unfortunately i couldnt go due to me&his financial situation at the time but he got to see family and old friends.

 

I was starting to feel different about him and to say the least i felt like i was falling out of love with him I didnt feel happy and felt all this stress and weight on my shoulders. While julian was away i decided to go see john in new jersey just to take a little road trip there and to give myself a little vaca so i could relax but what end up happening and what im so ashamed and still feel so much guilt to this day was that i ended up cheating on julian with john. i didnt think about the effects it would do to me or julian i was just selfish at the time and thought about my needs. After that happened my boyfriend at the time julian came back from his trip and we tried to fix things between us and it didnt work and i started to turn cold and heartless and i would treat julian like shit literally and i dont why i was hurting him but i felt so out of love with him that i was done and i didnt want nothing to do with him. Sad to say but two weeks later after all that I began to fall back in love with julian but by that time i broke up with him I had hurt him so much by the words and things I would say to him he wanted nothing to do with me and wanted to move on and he said to hopefully maybe one day we could be friends.

 

I lived with him at the time because my family didnt wanted me living with them so I was living with julian and his family. i moved out late september by this time julian didn't know i cheated on him and i finally had to tell him when i found out in october about me having hsv 2 . He came over my new place to give me the rest of my stuff and i was upset and he clearly saw that i finally just spilled it out and i started crying a lot he had this look of disgust and left quickly after that. he told me about 3 weeks later he was diagnosed with hsv 2. Julian told me while being upset if i was happy that i gave it to him and he didn't want to talk to me anymore then he needed to and pretty much wanted nothing to do with me. His mom even txted me b4 he found out he had it, her exact words were "you were the worst thing that happened to my son if my son is infected god will curse you for the rest of your life"......

 

In the past two months it has been really hard for me b4 i got diagnosed with hsv 2 i was in school and i had to drop out because i got so sick and i was in so much pain. Then there is my ex who i live 10 minutes away from and it kills me everyday knowing he wants nothing to do with me because as stupid as this may sound and i may sound weak for saying it but i still love him so much and i miss him a lot. its been so hard to move on and i'm feeling so alone at this point and I'm struggling to get through day by day. In the beginning of me finding out about my hsv 2 and having to tell my ex I was even contemplating my own life... Idk how I'm living right now knowing i ruined my exs life and mine as well I haven't been able to full accept it and embrace it.. its been very hard and I'm only 19 living on my own and my family hasn't really been there so I've been struggling with this on my own. I want so much for me to wake up and it be a dream me having hsv and waking up to my ex happy. But its not a dream at all........

 

My ex and i have been through so much together and i guess thats why its just so hard to let go....

 

BUT BUT I've been doing my best to get through this the best I can and to eventually just accept my hsv 2. I still cry almost everyday thinking about me having herpes and my ex but its SLOWLY SLOWLY SLOWLY has been getting better. Through all this I've been doing my best to keep being optimistic...

 

Thank You for reading my story! I'm sorry if i rambled and I was a little too open but I'm not afraid to share this with all you guys...

[taurus_lady]

There really isn't anything I could consider being "too open" when people are upset, its better to open up and let it out.

 

What I will say first, you never knew about contracting herpes from John. Shame on him for not telling you he had herpes to begin with. People like that still make me ill. I feel for you, knowing that's how it happened.

 

Second, this isn't a death sentance, and your life surely isn't over. I promise you that. Don't you dare feel 'dirty' or 'diseased' over this. I know its new to you...but I promise things get better. Julian sounds as though he is pretty upset, but know you did not intentionally give him HSV2

Things may work out, or they may not. But no matter the outcome, life goes on.....and I know happiness can be found.

 

This isn't something you should end your life over, neither is it worth ending your life over a guy. We make mistakes, and we grow and learn from them.

If you ever need to talk, I'll be happy to talk to ya :)

 

-Amanda

[Kristin (breatheandletgo)]

Bella,

 

I am so glad you opened up and shared yourself here. I can hear the pain in your words and wish I could reach through the screen and give you a hug. I know right now you really need one. So consider yourself hugged. ((((Bella))))

 

I also want you to know you are in a safe place here. So many of us have been where you are and have done the hard work of moving ourselves toward healing from our shame and started making better choices and living with integrity. Learning to love ourselves is our greatest work. It is out of that love that everything else flows. I am really learning this more and more...and I have a hunch I'm a little older than you are. ;)

 

Maya Angelou says it like this: “I do not trust people who don't love themselves and yet tell me, 'I love you.' There is an African saying which is: Be careful when a naked person offers you a shirt.”

 

For years I was a naked person offering a shirt to someone, anyone, in an attempt to get the love I so desperately needed. What I needed to do was clothe myself, and feel beautiful. Doing that work has been hard, but I am so proud of myself for doing it.

 

I feel the need to address this comment "Julian's" mother made...

"you were the worst thing that happened to my son if my son is infected god will curse you for the rest of your life"......

 

I want to tell you what she said is a lie. I want to stand in her place and say you are a blessing, you are here for a reason only you can discover, and loving yourself is step one. God does not curse...he blesses. God is love. So do not take that on for a minute.

 

Second, I think much of your personal anguish at the moment is because you went against your conscience. No matter what your guide is, whether it be the Bible or just your own personal code of ethics, when you violate that, you hurt. And you hurt so you know not to do it again. When my children were little I told them...I may only have time to tell you, hold my hand while we cross the street, but what I am really saying is...You are my treasure! If anything happened to you my heart would be broken! Please stay close to me so I can keep you safe!

 

Your conscience is your inner mom telling you...stop hurting yourself! You are a treasure! You are loved! Be good to yourself and stay safe! You haven't listened to that so you are hurting and you have hurt others. But there is always a way out...and that is through.

 

Start today to listen to your highest self and you will find your way forward. Stay here and keep posting. There are so many wise and kind people here. I would also add... maybe you need to write a letter to Julian and seek his forgiveness. I know for myself it would be important to make an effort in that direction. Even if he tears it to shreds, you will know you made an effort to bring peace to a situation when you have caused harm. It is up to him whether he chooses to forgive you or not. You can only ask. And then forgive yourself...and that work can be the hardest work of all.

 

much love,

Kristin

 

 

[Bella]

- Taurus_Lady(Amanda)

 

John knew he had it and came up to ny to tell me he contracted it from a possible ex... i wasnt worried about it because i felt no symptoms but roughly a week or more later that when everything happened and i felt symptoms. Surprisingly john was there for me and he did help me pay for my medication because i have no health insurance also he told me he would be there for me for support which i did need and i wanted someone to relate to because i had no one to talk to but shortly after that he changed his number and stopped contacting me. After a week later i got a letter also stating i contracted chlamydia from john which julian called me the next day saying he had that but didnt know about the herpes just yet... Pretty much finding that out i was like "well nothing can get worse then this at least chlamydia goes away but im stuck with hsv 2"

 

I had no way of telling john he also had that as well but he did call me 2 weeks later to check up on me with a different number and i told him he might have that as well and needs to get tested as well no surprise at all he changed his number AGAIN so i have no way of contacting which i prefer now....

 

I'm still in the process of accepting hsv 2 so i do feel like its a death sentence for me i feel diseased and dirty at that.. There are days i just don't think i don't have it and it doesn't bother me but there are little things in my life that its a constant reminder everyday that i will be dealing with this for the rest of my life

Julian is VERY upset and its understandable..

 

Happiness for me i hope can be found soon i would appreciate to really feel genuinely happy..

I passed that phase as to wanting to end my life because it is true its not something to end your life over or over a guy as well..

And I'm really learning from my mistakes BIG TIME...

 

But thank you for your advice and support it helps me very much

[taurus_lady]

I understand how you feel bella. I've had this fro almost 2 years now. I went through those similar feelings: dirty, unwanted, unloved. I contracted it from a guy who took advantage of me. He didn't understand what the word no meant. He completely denied he even had it, and went to make me feel like the one who was completely dirty. I believed that for such a long time. He went through on changing his number, and blocking contact with me shortly after. I should have pressed charges on him when I had the chance, but with my fear of being scoffed at, I did nothing. I even lost a potential boyfriend over it. I liked that guy a lot, and the rejection hurt more than I could say. However, I look back on it and take it as a life changing experience. I have found many people who could accept the fact that I have H. I have also encountered people who can't accept it. You will find both kinds of people. I know how you're feeling right now. But I do hope you will find inspiration from this forum. If not from my words, from someone else's words.

Take care sweetie.

[Bella]

thank you so much for your kind words kristin and i'm sorry for not replying earlier but i did read what you wrote and i broke down it really did touch me so thank you so much for reading my story and giving me encouragement and hope <3

[Bella]

thank you taurus_lady i totally know that and its so true i have noticed that there have been people that were able to accept me and others who couldn't for some reason. i was and still am hesitate on who i do share that i have hsv because if it is a potential guy i wouldn't want them to know right away and they leave me without even getting to know me so far it has worked in my favor and i can tell if its even worth telling the person because i'd like to know me and that person can have potential.. the guy i'm with now i have a story with him thats in my next discussion but knows my story finally has been able to accept me forgive me and is truly learning to love me but support me as well and i couldn't be any more blessed i'm finally becoming happy again :)