Do you feel your life was just about perfect?

[Ihaveittoo1975]

Looking back, do you guys feel that your life was pretty much perfect pre H, even if you didn't feel that way at the time?

 

I have always been a bit ungrateful for the life I've had and always been looking for what could make it better. I had a good childhood with a loving family, got to see the world early on in my life on nice vactions, went to good (public) schools, was able to realize my dream profession (still doing it, not always living the dream though), Many would kill for doing what I do for a living, I have stable finances, considered attractive by others, generally a good and easy going personality and my last long term relationship was with a very beautiful woman with a great personality.

 

Despite of all the good things in my life I was never fully happy or satisfied, something I now have come to realize over the last six months (even pre H, exposed and diagnosed two months ago) was stupid. Many would kill for my life. Although I don't necessarily feel like my life is over due to H, as I do have many good things going for me, I do get upset with myself for not appreciating the good (not perfect) life I actually led.

 

I do lots of traveling all over the world through my job and we often stay in interesting places and nice hotels. At the moment I am in Dubai where the party life is quite cool with lots of beautiful women running around. I used to quite enjoy a night out on the town, although the last few years there's been less of going out being married. Now when I have been out post diagnose it's quite depressing sipping on a beer and watching people really enjoy them selves, and thinking every time a pretty lady walks by thinking "she'd probably wouldn't give me a second look had she known my sexret".

 

I am fairly newly single after a nine year marriage, and it's giving up on that relationship which got me into this mess. Honestly I do feel I will eventually be able to find a good girl who will accept me for who I am, but it's still a constant worry in the back of my head.

That I won't. I am at the point in my life where I am ready to have a family, and although I am not necessarily old, the years are racking up and the majority of my friends are married with kids and which is adding stress to my life.

 

I'm pretty sure many here feel/have felt the same as I do. I just hope as time goes on that my thoughts and mood will brighten up. I definitely don't want to live like this for the rest of my life. Those of you who have had similar thoughts but are now back to enjoying life, how did you get back to that happy feeling? I'm guessing that when I meet someone new who likes me for me things will start to turn around.

 

Thanks for listening folks..

 

Btw, although I have ghsv2, I am interested to hear from all H categories.

[Ihaveittoo1975]

Thanks inka. It's good to hear that you feel that your life hasn't changed a whole lot due to H.

 

Again, I fully realize that overall my life is quite good and I have little to complain about. What really gets to me though is that I didn't appreciate it as much as I should have pre H. I know I can't beat myself up for mistakes made in the past, but it's sooo easy going back to those thoughts.

[Ihaveittoo1975]

My second, and so far last ob was caused after having sex for the first time post diagnose. That was a real mood killer as it seemed I could eat just about anything without it causing ob, but sex triggered it. I am hoping by time that will not be the case.

 

Once that ob had cleared I got a small zit looking thing on the tip of my penis head that just won't go away, no matter how many times I squeeze out whatever is in it. It's been three weeks now. I have been on the road for a month and have a couple of weeks to go so seeing a doctor has not been an option. At least it doesn't hurt.

 

To top things off I think I have a hemorrhoid growing, something I had once in my late teens. I am convinced all of this shit wreaking havoc in my body is caused by stress from the last couple of months. Up until H I have had very few physical problems, now it appears to be one thing after another.

 

All of this is starting to become very frustrating. I am just happy I am psychologically strong and can handle my emotions pretty well.

[WCSDancer2010]

So - it took herpes to wake you up that your life wasn't that bad after all. Let me suggest that old habits die hard (the need to have things to blame for what isn't perfect in our lives) you now have something else to "blame" for what isn't going right in your love life ... so perhaps you just need to work on self love for awhile. Because I'm willing to bet that coming out of a divorce and normal life knocks in dating and such had already put doubts in your head about how "lovable" you are and herpes is another thing to keep you from finding love.....

 

AND

 

I can tell you that those thoughts are just your mind f*cking with you. Don't believe everything you think ;)

 

Just a suggestion - think on it a bit .... ;)

 

My experience? I got H on my first sexual experience. Didn't know it until later, and had my "reality check" about dating when I got divorced. Yeah, a few guys walked (or RAN) when I disclosed, but to be honest, I quickly realized they were not what I was looking for.... and I've since had 2 three year relationships with H- men who looked beyond my H status and saw who *I* was ....

 

You WILL find love ... promise ... as long as you don't get in your own way with your thoughts ;)

 

(((HUGS)))

 

 

[Ihaveittoo1975]

Dancer, I too know that I will find love again. Problem is I have always been a "I want it now kinda guy". I can have extreme patience with certain things, but with other things I want it right away. I guess my generally good life has spoiled me, and having setbacks like this has mostly been absent in my life. I don't want to live my life alone (who does?), and I really want a family to put more purpose into my life. Career and money has prooven to not provide the happiness I for a very long time thought it would.

 

As far as feeling lovable it's actually the opposite. I am the one who filed and she still doesn't want us to go separate ways, despite me acquirring this gift while we have been separated. It's been tempting to stay with her as we still get along wuite well, but I still don't think my marriage would give me the happiness I am looking for.

 

As far as my possible developing hemorrhoid (another great thing starting with an "h") it is more than likely the stress I have put myself through since the diagnose, on top of a divorce, dad going through cancer treatment and a few stressful weeks at work and a messed up sleeping pattern for the last week due to jet lag. I guess the bright side is that stress does not seem to be a trigger for ob's for me. Gotta try to look for the positives in this mess.

[PositivelyBeautiful]

Hey Ihaveittoo1975, sorry to hear that you are having a hard time with this... First of all, I want to start by saying that I have been given every privilege in this world and more, from two very loving parents, who sent me to good schools and have supported me my entire life, in every endeavor. I am a beautiful, confident, driven person, with a job and life that most people would die to have as well. I have friends here and all over the world who love and support me. I have traveled extensively and pursued and accomplished dreams that some would never dare try to even realize. For all of this, I am grateful, and have always been grateful. My heart is throbbing with gratitude as I write this. I am 33 and have never been married, yet... but I have experienced great love and experienced great heartbreak because of it. Before H, I was on mission to find that guy, the right one. I never want to settle. I have been lucky to have met many amazing men, who so wanted to give me their hearts (the kind of men who likely love me regardless of my new H status), but I always walked away, because they weren't right for me. Some of them, I could have had a great life with, but I knew that I would have never really been happy, and that wasn't fair to them... If I wasn't happy, I could never have been able to make them happy. I was and still am going to keep looking until I do find that right guy.

 

That said, my life has always been amazing, and nothing has changed, it still is. But here's what I learned after H... I always got caught up in the physical side of the relationship, giving my body before my heart, before really getting to know someone. Many of the great (and awful) relationships I did have started with sex. I knew this before I got H, and was trying to do better... but I was always reverting to my old tendencies... I can't do that anymore. I can't give my body to someone without trusting them enough to open up the most vulnerable part of my heart. I can't walk into a bar, and fall in lust. But here's what I can do, put sex aside, get to know them, spend time with them, completely outside the bedroom, give them my heart before my body. The opposite was not working for me. I am 1000% certain, this will lead me to that right guy, and so, I am grateful to have H, for that reason. It has also made me more compassionate, and I love myself even more because of it. I always loved myself, or thought I did, but now, after feeling completely empty and working hard to build myself back up, I understand that I needed so much more love from me than I ever realized... and this will be vitality important to me moving forward in my life.

 

Now, what I took from your post above, in reading between the lines, is that you were happy, and probably grateful for everything in your life, except your marriage. Although beautiful in every way, the woman you married was not right for you. You chose to walk away, and I am sure that wasn't an easy decision for you, but even now, even after she is willing to take you back, you know it isn't right. Now, the events following that decision led you to this new diagnosis, and here you are, single after so many years of marriage, seeing beautiful women walk into a bar in Dubai... The old you, the self-declared "I want it now guy", pre-H, probably would have been all over those women, random hook-ups and fun experiences, driven by lust, that may or may not have led to anything fulfilling and long-term. You say want to meet that girl, that you want a family... but chances are that you would never have found it through instant gratification and lustful encounters... here's what I am getting at, perhaps the opportunity is similar to mine... H has in a sense stopped you from your care-free, impulsive tendencies, and forced you to get to know someone, deeply, before opening your heart to them... In a way, it has given you an opportunity to find that lasting connection, putting sex on the back-burner, properly courting a woman, until you are ready to go there. Because when you meet that beautiful woman that captures your heart, and you tell her, and she accepts you with loving and open arms, you'll know she's right. And you'll be grateful for every step that led you to meeting her, and loving her deeply and vice versa... and one of those steps, was getting H.

 

Anyways, all that to say, you will fall in love and meet that girl, and you will realize that H was never holding you back from that, but pushing you forward. I invite you to take a different perspective on this, and spend some time loving yourself in the mean time. I hope this helps... And here are some quotes for you:

 

"You believe that a lover will bring you love, but it is your love that will bring you a lover."

"Everything that you are going through is preparing you for what you asked for."

[Ihaveittoo1975]

@positive

 

As usual you write very eloquently, you have a great way with words! Thank you for taking the time to share your story.

 

I don't have much time to reply right now, I hope to be back shortly for a reply. Leaving Dubai for Siberia, and then straight down to the Maldives. Tomorrow it's time for Barcelona, and then back to the Maldives a few days later. A sample of my working life. No rest for the weary. :( I can tell you guys it's not easy keeping your body in a good condition all while dealing wtih H as one criss crossing the planet like this.

[seeker]

No. all h did was make me think a little harder about who I was having sex with ( something I wasn't doing pre H very much at all) other than that life is exactly the same as it was pre H. same bills, same ex, same job, same weather, same vacation time, same prospects for relationships, same , same, same.

 

http://www.mtv.com/videos/the-kinks/1070370/predictable.jhtml

[ivoryrain]

At first I felt like it was over dating wise. I've been in a relationship for a year and my boyfriend didn't have any symptoms. I was scared that if he didn't have it, he would leave me even though he said he accepted that he would always have some risk of contracting it from me. He is positive, but I think that I was the one who gave it to him based on who is positive and who isn't, unless his ex gave it to him during our breakup. However, he was negative from a swab culture back in March when he had an abscess from an ingrown hair. That could just mean that he didn't have H in that sore, though. That just leaves two others who I may have got it from - one has not been tested yet and I'm sure as hell not contacting the other.

 

ANYWAY, I have my days where I wonder what I did that was so wrong in life to deserve to be raped (potentially where it came from) and then contract an incurable STD from either my rapist or the person I had sex with shortly after to prove to myself that I could have "normal sex" again. It just really adds insult to injury to know that I potentially contracted H that way, especially because I know some people will stigmatize me for something that wasn't my fault/assume that I have sex with anyone and everyone.

 

I never thought my life was perfect, though. In fact, I'm at a much better place now than I was this time last year pre-diagnosis. Needless to say, I was at an extremely bad place after being raped, and I also had a a rough life in general lol. H doesn't usually affect me, so I can say for sure that my life is better right now, even with it.

[Ihaveittoo1975]

Ok, so I have some time to kill between flights and figured I'd add to my posts.

 

First of all, when I say "perfect life" it obviously never was perfect per definition. I doubt many feel their life is perfect all the time. What I mean is, in hindsight, I really didn't have any reason to not be happy with my life. Sadly I often wasn't grateful for everything I had. Sure, there are things I miss in life such as having kids, which is one reason for my seperation this year which will most likely soon end up in a divorce and although I love what I do for a living it can be very frustrating at times, but in general I should not complain about that either. But all in all I really didn't have a reason to complain, and in many ways post H I still don't have a reason to complain. It could be a lot worse. Waiting for weeks to have my HIV test done post H exposure was probably the most nerve wracking thing I have gone through. Back then I was thinking more about the possibility of having HIV, than a life time with H. Once I got the negative HIV result I again shifted my focus on H, bringing down my mood some again.

 

What getting H has done to me is to realize that things really weren't so bad after all. And again, they could still be a lot worse. H has not brought on as bad symptoms as some here are going through, except that my only trigger so far has been sex. I got back into the sack too soon (six weeks post exposure) and should have given my body a chance to adjust. By time I hope having sex will be a non issue as far as ob's, if not it will be quite devastating. I mean, who doesn't enjoy sex? If I can stay relatively ob free I don't think my life will change too much, but, it will be tough if/when I meet someone who is ok with my condition as I really don't want to pass this on. I am sure all of you with a H- partner feel that in one way or another. Even now when I know 10000 times as much about H as I did two months ago, I can't say for certain how I would react if I was H- and met a woman with H. Something I actually feel bad about. I obviously don't want to be judged/rejected by someone for having H, but maybe I would do the same if I was faced with the same decision.

 

I think a big part of why I am having these thoughts is that I had initiated a life transition by moving back to my homecountry in Europe this past spring, and I had already planned for a move to a new country this fall. I am still going through with that move, in fact, that's where I am headed now to look for a new home. Since six months I have not had my own place and I have not really been able to live my own life. Getting H even delayed the start of my new life, which was frustrating. I was really ready to move on and explore a new and exciting city, and then I put H on my resume. I am still looking forward to my new life, but I obviously much rather would have done it without H. There's nothing I can do about it now, but I still think about how even more excited I would be had it not been for H. I realise the best thing for me is to try and forget about it as much as possible, but it's still a too new addition to my life for me being able to do so.

 

I know that with time everything will be just fine, but right now it's a bit scary not knowing how H will affect my life, physically and relationship wise.

 

This turned out to be mostly a rambling post and maybe not so much about a "perfect life", so thanks for listening.

 

Now it's time to get back to my drink before I get on the flight to my new city. Ciao!

[WCSDancer2010]

By time I hope having sex will be a non issue as far as ob's, if not it will be quite devastating. I mean, who doesn't enjoy sex?

 

Well, honey, if herpes had a devastating long term result on sex lives, there would be a LOT more cranky people out there! Again, be patient with your body. Let it have time to do it's job making antibodies and healing.... ok?

 

And happy travels!

[PositivelyBeautiful]

I read this and thought of you @ihaveittoo1975 - "Sometimes it takes a good fall to really know here you stand."