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Disclosing on dating profile and is it too soon to have the talk


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Hi everyone! I'm new here but have been lingering around reading all the great advice and info this site for a while. I wanted to share my recent dating experience. I was so devastated and ashamed when I found out I had herpes 2 ( I also have had cold sores since childhood). I remember crying for hours and asking why me? Socially people assume that because you have herpes you're promiscuous, a whore, or dirty; and yet it only takes meeting that one person who is oblivious or dishonest about their condition to get the Herpes gift. I've met people that are quickly offended if you told them that the blister/cold sore on their lip is contagious and is caused by the same virus (type 1) that causes genital herpes.

 

After so many years the shame has finally begun to go away. At first I was so fearful of being rejected that I turned to dating sites for people with herpes. I did meet/dated some pretty cool guys there but never a serious relationship. It felt pretty great not having to feel rejected or to have the talk but I've recently started to feel like I was limiting myself as if I was a leper. There aren't many people on those dating site in the city that I live in, and most people that contacted me were from out of state. I've reached a point in my life where I could careless if everyone in the world new I had herpes I am finally seeing it for the blessing that it truly is.

 

I think it was wcsdancergirl2010 that posted about disclosing on her profile page. I felt inspired and decided to do the same. I went ahead and disclosed my herpes status on my dating profile. I used to get tons of messages before and to my surprise I still get messages except they're automatically filtered ( with the exception of the picture surfers). What's the worse that can happen, I thought. I've finally realized that it's only a big deal if I make it a big deal. A lot of men that have sent messages state that they appreciate my honesty about my condition and still want to get to know me. Sometimes they simply message asking for more info and actually go on google and research it. I find it's easier for me to let my dates know ahead because I feel guilty giving they're hopes up if it's a deal breaker.

 

My issue now is that I have been dating someone for a month I met before disclosing on my profile and I'm fearing having to have "the talk" sooner than I thought. (I haven't gain much experience because since herpes I've only dated other people with herpes) Things are going pretty good, we have a strong connection and like each other very much. He's invited me to meet friends. Also His parents are going to be in town soon and he would like me to meet them. This makes me nervous and makes me feel a strong urgency to tell him sooner than I would like. Mostly because I feel as if I've been leading him on and I don't want to give his hopes up. I'm scared that the longer I wait the more feelings I'll have and I will be heartbroken if he rejects me. Is it better to disclose before things get really serious? Or is it better to tell him to lets take thing slow and wait longer?

 

Thank you everyone!

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Hey aquamoon!

 

Congrats on having the opportunity to disclose! ;) (So many people dread disclosure talks because of the potential rejection, but I like to see disclosure talks for what they are: Proof that you want to take the relationship deeper!)

 

The best time to have the talk varies from person to person, but it should probably be somewhere between the dating profile and having sex. ;) But the absolute best way to know when the time is right for YOU is to ask yourself if you trust this person you are disclosing to. Not just trust in terms of holding a tender secret, but trust in an intimate way, too. After all, if you end up having sex, you will be letting him inside your body, which is the most intimate thing you can do. This all requires trust. A deep trust. So if you can trust this man with your vulnerability in disclosing to him, then you can trust him later on when sex gets added in ...

 

Have you read the disclosure e-book and gotten all knowledgeable on the handouts? Super important to know all the facts and also the psychology behind disclosure before going into the talk.

 

Here's a link to the e-book + handouts:

http://eepurl.com/b4IPP

 

... and here's a video I made years back on having the herpes talk. I hope it helps you out!

 

Notes:

  • My mother is now in hospice with end-stage cancer, so I am at her house a lot these days helping where I can until she passes. Thank you in advance for understanding if I am not as quick to respond as I normally would be. This is a precious and bittersweet time …
  • This content is for informational purposes only. This information does not constitute medical advice or diagnosis. I'm not a medical professional, so please take this as friendly peer support. 

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Good for you for giving the "Full Disclosure" option a chance ... sounds like you got the same kind of reaction I have ... hell, if nothing else, we have educated a few guys and maybe helped keep someone from getting it in the long run... ;)

 

There's no "perfect" time to disclose. You have to figure out what is best for you...

 

I feel as if I've been leading him on and I don't want to give his hopes up.

 

Look - there are a LOT of things that people have to disclose ... not just Herpes ... recovering addicts/alcoholics, children who live with a crazy ex, mental illness, life-threatening illnesses, etc. All these are simply "deal breakers" for some.

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/disclosure-its-not-just-about-herpes/

 

The bottom line is you tell him when he DESERVES to know or when you feel you are ready - preferably when all your clothes are on and you are in a place to have a level headed conversation....

 

Herpes acts as a great Wingman for several reasons...

 

1) it makes us slow down and get to know the person and

2) Their reaction to our disclosure tells us a lot about them... not that it's "wrong" for them to choose to not date us...it's more about HOW they do it. Again, it's a deal breaker for some. Accept that. But those who can't run fast enough, well, thank your lucky stars you got them out of your life because that shows their ignorance and unwillingness to at least become educated before making that choice ;)

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/using-herpes-as-your-wingman/

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3309/successful-herpes-disclosure-but-not-for-the-reasons-you-might-think

 

Do it when YOU are ready. In the meantime, work on your talk - read all the Success stories that you can for ideas of how you want to go about it... and you will be fine :)

 

(((HUGS)))

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@ Adrial great video and the positive approach makes so much sense. I've loaded the ebook and handout. It will definitely help me practice :)

 

@ wcsdancergirl2010 disclosing on my profile felt like such a relief..Thank you for your post about disclosing. I've gotten nothing but positive responses and it really helped me realize that it was only big deal as long as a made it a big deal. It also help relieve the shame that I felt.

 

I like the wingman take on herpes. Especially after reading the discussion post you linked

Thank you! I'm so grateful for this site.

 

If I choose to disclose I will provide an update. :)

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